vestmoria

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2026-08-30 08:00:20 UTC

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thank you for your wall of text, I enjoyed reading it.
> His mother refused to visit. Old world “A mother shouldn’t visit her son, her son should respect her and come visit”. So he did. Then she guilted him into moving back home, giving up opportunities farther away. He is happy in the sense that he’s married and has kids and a fulfilling life, but he will always have the what if questions. What if his now wife and him had stayed, what if they had done this or that. I promise you, if you let them drive your life you will never be truly fulfilled.
Don't we all have those what if questions? Maybe I ask because I'm myself unfulfilled with some parts of my life.
I'm not sure moving them or the surviving parent closer to me would benefit them: they've living in GA most of their lives, are used to the way people act and speak, climate is warm, and I live in NY, where people move faster, speak differently and it's going to be cold... It would be easier for me but I don't think they would enjoy upstate NY much.
> The sooner you accept that their expectations of a “good son” will never be met, the sooner you can think more practically about how you want to proceed with life.
This is very good advice.
> I’ve just also done the “Mom I’m not doing the guilt trip today. Your feelings are your own, I’m happy where I live and if you have a problem with it that’s your problem to work on, not mine”.
Stealing this.
Thank you for your post.

2026-08-28 22:15:34 UTC

my parents live alone 800 miles away from me and are capable of living independently.
There might be a day they're not safe at home anymore and need to be taken care of.
I'm not a caregiver and while my father is flexible and can adapt, my mother is very strict with what she considers right and it's usually her way or the highway, reason why I would never live with her, let her live with me or take care of her alone. It would never work. My parents have a decent pension, no debt, and mostly love each other.
If it ever comes to me taking care of the administrative side of things 800 miles away, what does it look like? If you are in a situation like I described, how often do you visit?
Do you take care of them physically as well? I mean giving them showers, cleaning them, cleaning the house, feeding them, organizing their medicines, dressing them, answering 30 times per day the same question or old story because they forgot, because realistically I can do this up to 2 weeks per year, never on a permanent basis. I'm not a patient man.
I also want to live my life but where I grew up, small town in GA, the expectation seems to be I move in with my parents to physically take care of them, otherwise I'm not a good son.

2026-08-07 12:55:06 UTC

My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I don’t believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.
Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as you’re not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.
I wouldn’t mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I don’t call them. What for?
I’m better off without them and don’t have the bandwidth to deal with them.
Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family won’t bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I won’t attend a funeral with people I don’t like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldn’t it be nice…?)
My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him ‘sure, I’ll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much about’ and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasn’t born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because ‘we’re family’.
I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesn’t start feeling sad or feels I’m attacking him. It doesn’t feel right.
But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I don’t care about.
So what do I do?

2025-09-08 15:13:40 UTC

as said previously I'm a nurse, which means the overwhelming majority of employees are women. Gossiping, being unauthentic, cattiness and passive aggressiveness is a daily occurrence.
My current unit: there are 2 men that seem to be completely stoic (I don't know what word would describe them better): they ignore drama and jabs, even if directed at them, they are punctual with their pauses, I mean really, 30 minutes and that's it, and can ignore when other coworkers lazy around, even if it means they have to be the ones doing most of the work, extra work they don't receive any extra money or recognition for.
I am writing in awe, because as much as I'd like to be this thick skinned, I am not. The feeling of being treated unfairly rubs me the wrong way really fast. My strategy so far has been to lazy around so much as my direct coworkers, even if they're part of an established group at the ward I don't belong to. They're the ones supposed to be showing me around and teach me. If they don't work, why should I?
I believe this is a trait of mine, something nearly impossible to change, it would make more sense to change the setting than trying to change me, to change jobs. I don't know how to play this game where I am, in a workplace where most employees are women.
But my question remains to all of you who are this thick skinned: how? I don't understand it. Don't you find it tiring? Doesn't it make you feel like shit when you go back home? Don't you feel taken advantage of?

2025-08-28 14:57:01 UTC

and what would be the point of lying?
I applied to 2 positions and got one. On both counts I shadowed for a day and was sincere.
Job 1 offered me a position I took.
Why I think the second job rejected me: I was assigned to 2 coworkers who started prying inquisitively about my job experience and expectations. I told them I don't want to go back home with back or leg pain or feeling broken, I don't mind doing my pause after 7 hours of working and not 4 but I actually NEED my pause, one every day, I also told them I don't live to work but the other way round (this is nursing).
Apparently they told management all this because during my interview with the c suite they mentioned what other coworkers think about me.
I still believe if you need a job, please do lie because you need the money. I was sincere this time because a union member told me to clearly state what you want in the beginning, so there are no uncomfortable situations afterwards.
I'm also a terrible actor, so maybe this was for the better?
This makes me value authenticity even more because one of those suites, a woman, used the strategy of faking being close to you (smiles, modulating her voice...) so you believe she actually cares about you so you let your guard down.
even though I got the other job it still stings because I was rejected for being authentic. Am I wrong?
So, in the future, do I keep being authentic or do I feed management BS? Feeding them BS always worked in the past.

2025-04-28 22:31:14 UTC

I've seen several posts of people asking for advice on situations like this with so many answers suggesting OP to fight back, document and contact the union, but this seems too much work for an unconvincing result, because there is no way a manager is going to fire an employee or a clique for a "he claims she claims" situation.
Manager, employer, even the union, will listen to you, play theatrics and change nothing hoping you forget.
Walking away, while making you feel like a loser, seems to be the sane choice long term. Cliques are gonna clique.
Maybe you can think of a better way?

2025-04-14 22:25:34 UTC

on my last thread somebody wrote that unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
I'm guilty of this, I'm a nurse: after changing units an expectation was that the new one would be one where the physical workload would be evenly distributed. Another expectation and a promise from management was that my new unit would assign a nurse I'd shadow during my first days to get a grip of the unit. The third expectation was that I could do my job and use my downtime to learn.
None of these things are happening.
How do I stop having expectations?
ETA: A problem I see with this approach is: if every job turns out to be shit like this, why even bother? My new attitude should be go to work, work the least possible, fake it, play theatrics to do as little as possible, go home, get paid. No expectations = no disappointments.
But then, why even advance to ICU-nursing, get certifications or study medicine?

2025-03-30 11:24:22 UTC

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/2362831
> I don't know how extended this is, but apparently there are car makers selling cars with no keys. Instead you download a proprietary app and use it to access your car.
>
> I like being practical and talking to a car to turn the volume up or down, to open the door or to turn the temperature higher are things I don't need nor want. Give me mechanical levers, reachable stalks and no proprietary bloatware. I don't need a movie theater on wheels.
>
> Imagine an early 2000s car running on an electric motor. That's what I want.

2025-03-30 11:24:04 UTC

I don't know how extended this is, but apparently there are car makers selling cars with no keys. Instead you download a proprietary app and use it to access your car.
I like being practical and talking to a car to turn the volume up or down, to open the door or to turn the temperature higher are things I don't need nor want. Give me mechanical levers, reachable stalks and no proprietary bloatware. I don't need a movie theater on wheels.
Imagine an early 2000s car running on an electric motor. That's what I want.

2025-03-04 21:26:15 UTC

on one of my lasts posts, most of the people that answered agreed with the idea I'm on the spectrum. I don't know. I don't see anything wrong being myself.
I'd just like some serious answers from neurotypicals explaining to me why my question triggered my coworker so much:
Manager called me to ask if I can take an extra shift at a different unit because they're short staffed due to illness. I agreed.
Because that unit sometimes overfills and nurses there have to take care of more patients than the ratio agreed with the union I called the unit to ask how many patients they do have today, to have an idea if my shift tomorrow is going to be an easy or a difficult one.
The coworker started yelling and calling me an idiot and using some other choice words, so I said "ok" and hung up.
I didn't yell at her, I simply asked the question in a neutral tone, and I still don't get the animosity.
20 minutes later the same person calls to inform she called our manager and tomorrow I don't have to work at that unit.
All this stupid drama because I asked how many patients they have? I simply don't get it.
Am I really this autistic?