Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon - Rob Manuel reads your 100-400 confessions submitted a day and chooses what to post.

A https://b3ta.com production

Public Key

npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

NIP-05 Address

fesshole@mastodon-social.mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqstxgl34zv646g936yv33sk089w6sqqmj2a8cyqyfpnmyvumt0yygcpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerfw36x7tnsw43qz9thwden5te0wfjkccte9ekk7um5wgh8qatzgsj73u

Publishing to

relay.ditto.pub

relay.mostr.pub

Author Public Key

npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

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Last Notes

2026-10-27 08:25:05 UTC

Went to a weight loss meeting. A motivational speaker called Carol told us to listen to our bodies. I do Carol and that's why I'm here, mine keeps telling me cake and crisps.

2026-10-26 23:25:06 UTC

I work at a well established cake shop in my area, for the last five years we have used real inks instead of edible ones for images on cakes, prints much better and doesnt clogg the printer like the edible ones

2026-10-26 16:25:05 UTC

I am a doctor. I wish that I could prescribe dildos to people. We could in the Victorian era. The amount of people these days getting random household objects stuck in their arses is getting ridiculous. Please, you're an adult, just get a proper and safe dildo, for fuck's sake.

2026-10-26 11:15:51 UTC

Yes I'm using Fesshole to pimp my other project but I'm sure there will be some on Mastodon who'll get it. Written a joke book, by hand, entirely using the limits of the ZX81. It's absurd and a lot of fun. Please support it coz I've lost my mind making over six months: https://spelk.press/gb/products/81-jokes-for-the-zx81
#nevent1q…lgah

2026-10-25 16:25:06 UTC

I'm not gay, however, I do frequently purchase anal lube from a certain online sex toy shop and squirt it inside my arse in the mornings. Because it makes my afternoon shit later come out so much quicker, cleaner, and smoother.

2026-10-25 15:25:06 UTC

Company I work for has gone all in on AI slop. I've started to report everything on LinkedIn from them using the "this is AI slop" function. I hope it stops people seeing it and the company goes bust, I don't give a shit about it here anymore and want out, redundancy pay is good.

2026-10-24 13:25:07 UTC

I live with a sheep dog but in a city. She doesn't mind watching human focused shows, like Eastenders, but she prefers something relevant to her. So she watches reruns of One Man and His Dog that I torrented for her while I cook my dinner.

2026-10-24 07:25:05 UTC

My GF's meat sausage rolls got mixed with my vegan sausage rolls. Offered them to the dog thinking he'll eat the meat ones and not the vegan ones. Greedy Labrador bastard ate all 12 of them.

2026-10-24 03:25:08 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/493/747/409/198/453/original/08e3072f0a78aac5.png

2026-10-23 21:25:05 UTC

I enjoy taking my handheld radio frequency jammer to the psychic clairvoyancy events my wife drags me to. The panic on the "psychic's" face when their assistant looking everyone up on social media behind the scenes gets replaced with static in their ear is brilliant.

2026-10-23 12:25:05 UTC

Neighbour said my garden wasn't mowed. I said 'Yeah but I get lots of butterflies and you don't'. He's now posting photos of lone butterflies in his garden. Evidently butterfly envy is a thing.

2026-10-23 10:25:05 UTC

I got quite hammered one night and got out some Dreamies - which are cat treats that I'd intended to feed to one of the local friendly strays. I thought that I'd try one just out of curiosity. Turns out they're quite moreish and I ended up eating the whole pack. No regrets.

2026-10-23 03:25:10 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/488/085/196/924/684/original/2af829ab53af5166.png

2026-10-22 20:25:07 UTC

I am a university lecturer and it is a well known fact that at academic conferences people cheat on their partners and hook up with old flames. It's one of the few things along with the pension that still makes it vaguely attractive despite the management bullshit.

2026-10-22 14:25:05 UTC

Before every flight I take, I practice landing the plane in question on Microsoft Flight Simulator, you know. Just in case. And of course every time I secretly hope my moment will come when both pilots pass out or whatever. It never has.

2026-10-22 07:25:07 UTC

My husband has convinced me that we should both leave the living room when our cat lies on his back and wanks himself. I don't mind giving him privacy but I'd like to know whether he wanks claws in or claws out.

2026-10-21 22:25:05 UTC

I have a favourite teaspoon, it's different to the rest. I don't let it do horrible jobs like making coffee. Only nice jobs like ice-cream. Can't decide on a name for my spoon, help me. I'm a gym going middle-aged man who looks like a bouncer.

2026-10-21 21:25:05 UTC

My lad is gutted we didn't get a code for the Oasis gigs. Only just realised I forgot to check one of my email addresses, and lo & behold one was sat in the inbox. Think I'll take that one to the grave with me.

2026-10-21 17:25:08 UTC

More a snitch than a fess. I work in admin for a national courier firm. When you get those "how did the driver do?" feedback emails you are enabling their maximum profit business model by completing them. There are no area managers because you are doing the job for them for free.

2026-10-21 09:25:06 UTC

Ever since I switched from WFH to going back into the office, sex with my wife has improved. It's probably because I'm not home alone all day wanking.

2026-10-21 07:25:05 UTC

I retired today. My first project is to visit every tube station I've never used and have a meal at a nearby restaurant or café. First stop is Grange Hill, where I hope to eat a massive sausage.

2026-10-20 22:25:05 UTC

Wife and I have a thing, if one of us turns a light on the other will hiss like a vampire. Had to rein that in after we were alone in a lift when the doors opened to the bright afternoon sun and I instinctively hissed at the bewildered middle-aged woman stood waiting.

2026-10-20 13:25:05 UTC

Every time I have to give my email at a hotel or shop for promotions etc , always give the email add of my local Reform MP.

2026-10-20 07:25:08 UTC

When the kids were young, I'd do a slow mo run to the microwave, saying 'noooo' and stop it with one second to go, thus saving the entire planet from disintegration. They're all grown up now but when no-ones around, I still do it. You're welcome btw, me saving your lives.

2026-10-20 03:25:08 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/471/098/180/190/685/original/b2617f8c342de96d.png

2026-10-19 21:25:07 UTC

Uncle recently died. As a kid I thought he was quite a cool hippy type person. Just before his death he was saying that people in boat crossing the channel should be shot, plus other racist shite. The small inheritance I received gone straight to RNLI

2026-10-19 16:25:07 UTC

I put up a "beware of the dog" sign after we were burgled. Our Irish Wolfhound put her paws on the burglar's shoulders as he tried to get in through a forced window. She licked his face until he backed out again. Her tongue obscured his face, so the cops couldn't use the video.

2026-10-19 12:25:07 UTC

A band insulted me, the local audio guy, all day, literally threw stuff at me. Promoter was just absent. I may or may not have put a pitch shifter on the singers in ear monitoring. People walked out, demanded refunds at the door because it was so bad.

2026-10-19 08:43:59 UTC

I'm the captain of a navy warship, and my family, which has a proud history of naval service, thinks I joined to continue the tradition. I actually joined because I like Star Trek and this is the closest I can get to being on the bridge of the starship Enterprise.

2026-10-19 07:25:05 UTC

The "half your age plus seven" rule for maximum age disparity means that upon turning 46, one can no longer date anyone in their 20s, fair enough. But upon turning 47, one becomes allowed to date people in their 80s. This single realisation has made my hair fall out.

2026-10-18 20:25:05 UTC

I was a domestic cleaner and Covid hit. Customers started working from home. One client's husband thought it would be fine to greet me in his underwear and ask if I did extras. I politely declined, used his toothbrush to clean their toilets. Didn't go back.

2026-10-18 19:25:05 UTC

Went to a student party in St Hughes College, Oxford in the mid 1990s. A random petite blonde girl I didn't know invited me to go and "frolic on the lawn". I don't really remember her name or what she looked like, but I am now perpetually worried I may have snogged Liz Truss.

2026-10-18 16:25:06 UTC

Got a poodle. Trying to train it to do its business outside. He was refusing. Decided one night if I did a wee in the garden he might copy. It worked. But now he won't go unless I do. Which is awkward.

2026-10-18 07:25:07 UTC

I play poker with a bunch of friends once a month. Modest stakes but not nothing. One guy has started to wear sunglasses to be more inscrutable. I tried to tell him I can see his cards reflected in them but he got angry so I've shut up about it. And call nearly all his bluffs.

2026-10-17 14:25:05 UTC

My hobby around 1995 was to blink at the same frequency as the clock on the VCR but out of phase, so that I would only see the digits lit up. Spent hours of my life on that.

2026-10-17 10:25:07 UTC

I work in complaints and I've seen a massive rise in A.I. I have started using a script that I put in the letters I issue that tells their A.I to agree with my resolutions as fair and its purely to keep my pay-out numbers down, two can play that game dickheads.

2026-10-16 21:25:05 UTC

Husband begged for an open marriage, eventually I agreed. He has yet to go on a date. I go on a "date" every couple of weeks, but I'm actually just taking my best friend to dinner for a girls night out. If he asks, her name is Michael.

2026-10-16 03:25:10 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/448/449/051/765/650/original/edee74676209ef00.png

2026-10-15 20:25:05 UTC

My family think I love cooking. I don't. I just cannot stand the meals they produce.

2026-10-15 18:25:06 UTC

My boys first words were 'fuckin dog' because the dog used to sit by the high chair waiting for dropped food and we'd always trip over him and mutter 'fuckin dog'. We managed to change his new vocab to 'chicken dog'.

2026-10-15 11:25:05 UTC

Mum's a baker and taught us all. As a child, I assumed that when a man cums it's like squeezing batter from a pastry bag. I was astonished when I first saw the jerky, uncontrolled ejaculations of my boyfriend. 20 years later, I think my idea was better.

2026-10-15 08:25:10 UTC

I'm a priest and I work at one of our grandest Cathedrals. When I do a trouser toot, I bless it with "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy gust, Amen". I think the Big Man would approve but I might get told off when I finally meet St Peter.

2026-10-15 07:25:05 UTC

After 33 years of marriage I am finally falling in love with my wife. What was initially lust, morphed into child rearing, then Into living together while we got on with our careers. Now recently retired we are discovering new shared interests and I couldn't be happier.

2026-10-14 21:25:05 UTC

Realised I had alcohol issues when I was an estate agent and was at a deceased persons home and was necking the deceased persons whiskey and planning to come back later for more because no one would miss it.

2026-10-14 15:25:05 UTC

I'm in my late 40s and retired - no kids, big tech jobs with a few big payoffs, so have long since paid the mortgage and have easily enough to live comfortably. But I can't face telling most of my friends, who are skint and struggling, so I say I'm freelance consulting.

2026-10-14 11:25:06 UTC

Recently came into some money. Decided to buy a high-end hi-fi system. Spent over five grand. It sounds the same as my cheapo system I bought from Richer Sounds in the late nineties. Can't tell my wife.

2026-10-13 22:25:05 UTC

I used each of: kettle; microwave; drip coffee maker; stove top, to make each of: tea; coffee; cocoa. I can report that all 12 resulting beverages were drinkable. Use whatever workflow you prefer. Fess is that I did this experiment six times this year so far.

2026-10-13 21:25:05 UTC

I coach my son's U15 football team. I have been with them the last 6 years. I recently found out that the parents have a separate WhatsApp group and discuss my match day decisions and training techniques. Some parents can be dicks. Last season coaching.

2026-10-13 15:25:06 UTC

One of my motivations for dating and eventually marrying my hairdresser was because I knew I'd get free haircuts for life. A benefit that has also extended to our kids. No idea how much money has been saved, but I guess a lot. She knows this, it gave her a chuckle.

2026-10-13 08:25:05 UTC

Whenever I let my cats out at night I tell them "drive safe, drink responsibly, call me if you need a pickup". My family thinks I'm daft but if you have cats I'm sure you'll understand me.

2026-10-12 11:25:07 UTC

I'm visually impaired and use a white cane. When a car is stopped across a pedestrian crossing controlled by lights and I have the green light it's getting a few very hard wacks of my cane. Your paint isn't as important as my safety and hopefully you understand why.

2026-10-12 08:25:05 UTC

Office coffee grinding machine failed because it needs wifi to work, because enshittifaction. I have my own jar of instant coffee at my desk so it doesn't affect me, but I hang out near the machine ostentatiously and smugly sipping my instant while others pass by all forlorn.

2026-10-11 16:25:05 UTC

My father-in-law asked me to fix his phone. Without him knowing, I went through his YouTube shorts feed and blocked all those obnoxious far-right influencers channels. Then, I restarted his phone. Now there are only videos about capibaras on his feed and he's going mad about it.

2026-10-11 14:25:06 UTC

As a 17 y/o in the 1980s I had a Saturday job in the local library. Fancied a girl but was far too shy to ever do anything about it. Instead I used to waive her fines. I also secretly tripled the amount of books she could borrow, and increased her membership expiry date to 2999.

2026-10-11 13:25:06 UTC

Having an affair with a married colleague. Decided to guiltmaxx myself into quitting. Downloaded one of her happy-family pics from Facebook, cropped it to the background and made it my phone lock screen. This failed completely, but it is a nice lock screen pic.

2026-10-11 12:25:06 UTC

Sometimes my wife asks me to help her change the bed. I wait until she goes for a shower and go in and do it by myself. She thinks I'm being sweet. The real eason is I have changed it with her and she makes such a meal of it, it takes 5 times as long for exactly the same result.

2026-10-11 10:25:05 UTC

I've always had a bit of a problem with being slightly too honest and commenting on things I shouldn't. When I was 23 I told my upstairs neighbour that he consistently came before his wife, which might be why she was pissed off at him. He put in underfloor insulation.

2026-10-11 08:25:07 UTC

Rumours of redundancy and then the boss asked me to train new starters. I agreed until he told me I had to go to India to do it. Told him I don't fly as it's incredibly painful on my ear problem. It's not but I'll be damned if I'm training my replacements.

2026-10-10 21:25:05 UTC

In Australia on an academic exchange program, was instructed to keep the snakes away from the house by opening the back door at 6am and clapping loudly six times while yelling. I complied diligently. A week later, a neighbour informed me I'd been pranked.

2026-10-10 19:25:06 UTC

I had a fess published a few years ago about how I couldn't connect with my lifelong pals cos all they wanted to do was booze and take coke. I told them how I felt, turned out they thought the same and now we climb Munro's on Sundays. Lads, talk to your pals.

2026-10-10 17:25:05 UTC

Worked nights in a railway station in the 80s. I recorded on cassette every fart I dropped. Since then I've used minidisc and now voice recorder on my phone; I've got over four hours of farts so am getting them transferred to vinyl. Hoping to release it on Spotify too.

2026-10-10 16:25:04 UTC

When TV or movies do the "flashy thing to wipe your memory" bit I close my eyes in case it really works.

2026-10-10 13:25:05 UTC

I used to buy the motorcycle magazines in the 80s and 90s and hated the half naked girl draped over the bike, hiding the engine detail and the exhaust welds I wanted to really see.

2026-10-09 11:25:07 UTC

I am a funeral director with twenty years of experience. When I am transporting or preparing the bodies of the deceased, I talk to them as if they were alive to let them know what's happening.

2026-10-09 08:25:05 UTC

I met my wife while sabotaging fox hunts together. We started dating when we found out we're both furries. If the fursuits weren't so expensive, we'd be sabotaging fox hunts dressed as foxes.

2026-10-08 12:25:05 UTC

I (female) went on a 3-day hiking/camping trip with 3 attractive male friends, with a plan to invite a gangbang with me in the middle. First day, 2 of them discovered they were into each other, and the 3rd felt ill and went home. My plan failed. Nice scenery though.

2026-10-08 08:25:06 UTC

Bought a Casio F-91W watch from Amazon as I hate big flashy watches. To make up the postage I also bought some wire and connectors for an electronics project. It was only after I made the order I learned that the F-91W is the most popular bomb timer for terrorists. Hello MI5!

2026-10-08 03:25:08 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/403/150/440/190/982/original/000770733a29ec00.png

2026-10-07 09:25:05 UTC

Currently trying to sell our house. I have a couple of field recorders which I've strategically hidden to capture what's said during viewings. Would definitely recommend cos the feedback you typically get from a viewing is pretty useless.

2026-10-07 03:25:09 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/397/488/190/823/554/original/891d8c268471681c.png

2026-10-06 12:25:08 UTC

Aged 55, I decided it was time for a male midlife crisis. I don't drive, love my wife and don't play golf, so instead I got some bunny rabbits. The neighbours now call me 'Bunny Boy'. I don't give a toss. These innocent little creatures bring me huge joy every day.

2026-10-06 03:25:09 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/391/825/897/897/216/original/7cb8b755871060ab.png

2026-10-05 19:25:05 UTC

Mate got married in a no expense spared ceremony in 86. Despite the fancy hotel, church choir & flock of bridesmaids, all people talk about is the long juggernaut rattler of fart I squeezed out on the pew during the 'does anyone know' part; its the fart that keeps on giving.

2026-10-05 18:25:04 UTC

I managed an office that used anonymous surveys. They were truly anonymous. But the responses were so obviously attributable to certain employees, I was 95% sure who said what. And so was my boss. That's how people got on the radar. Anonymous doesn't equal unrecognisable.

2026-10-05 17:25:05 UTC

I describe my age as 'late 40s'. Nobody asks "how late?". I'm 59.

2026-10-05 07:25:05 UTC

IT admin. We have a device that can very accurately locate and identify WiFi/Bluetooth devices. We have detected not one, but TWO Bluetooth enabled sex toys in the office this month. Who is bringing these things to work??

2026-10-04 19:25:05 UTC

With the rise in AI taking over jobs in the tech sector, I have made massive changes to the systems at the company so that they rely far too heavily on me being there, effectively making me redundant-proof. Your move, AI.

2026-10-04 17:25:05 UTC

My brother is a competitive salsa dancer so I got to spend a good part of my childhood getting dragged around watching him dance. I started pretending that everyone dancing was desperate for a piss and it made it infinitely more enjoyable. Try it next time Strictly is on.

2026-10-04 13:25:06 UTC

Ordered food my body is intolerant to on a date because I couldn't read the menu and didn't want them to see that I need reading glasses. Went back to their place but farted so much they kicked me out. For the best, my underwear was a mess.

2026-10-04 11:25:07 UTC

Was bored with work, wanted to do something rewarding, I volunteer a few hours once a month for a charity. It's amazing. A boring Fess, but it is rewarding. Just do something good for someone, it will make you and more importantly someone else feel better. Do it, please.

2026-10-03 20:25:05 UTC

I've created a motivational doomsday device. After dealing with awful customers, I send them an email calling them all sorts of profanities, but I add a 5 year delay. It's to ensure I quit this crap job & pursue my dream move to Perth. Got 3 years left from the 1st email I sent

2026-10-03 12:25:07 UTC

I never learned how to touch-type properly. Three fingers and the thumb of one hand, plus one finger and the thumb of other other hand are the best I can manage, like an advanced "hunt-and-peck". But I'm fast and accurate enough that people have asked how I learned to touch-type.

2026-10-02 12:25:05 UTC

Needed to put up a shelf and instead of asking hubby I tried to do it myself with YouTube. Went to the shed to pick up the spirit level I've seen him use, and the shed has twelve loaves of pumpernickel bread and a toaster. And this is how I find out he's a bread fetishist.

2026-10-01 22:25:05 UTC

Mortuary technician here. Often take a nap at work by lying on a gurney and covering myself with a sheet. Haven't been accidentally autopsied yet, but have scared the newbie half to death when I started snoring

2026-10-01 20:25:05 UTC

I'm half-British and half-Thai. A random right-winger verbally racially abused me in the street for no reason at all. That same man was in my A&E ward a couple of days later due to a cardiac arrest. I was the doctor who saved him. There's a moral in that story somewhere.

2026-10-01 17:25:06 UTC

I once didn't hire someone called Caroline, who was probably the most qualified and seemed like a good fit for the team, because my boss kept singing her name "Caroli-i-i-i-i-i-ine" like the Fleetwood Mac song and he was getting on my tits. I hope you found a better employer.

2026-10-01 11:25:06 UTC

I have both a cat and a dog. I let the doggo stay in the room when I am nude, but the bastard cat looked at me very jugdemetally once and that's it, he's not seeing me without clothes again.

2026-10-01 10:25:05 UTC

Worked for a bank in a call centre in the 90's If someone gave any of the team verbals during the week, we'd keep a note. Just before we went home on Friday's, we'd block their ATM cards so they couldn't get any cash for the weekend.

2026-09-30 17:25:06 UTC

Reached the end of a PCP with £8k negative equity. Hid an AirTag in the trim, handed car back to finance company. Tracked the car to a dealer and bought it at the market price. Saved £7k and they washed and cleaned the car.

2026-09-30 10:25:07 UTC

Everytime we put the house up for sale, we see the sales photos and information, realise how much we love our house and take it off the market. We're on our 7th Estate agent in 15 years; I love to go through the old details and see how much the place has changed.

2026-09-29 08:25:05 UTC

I saw a news story about AI leading to a rise in complaints since they're quicker and easier to write with AI. As someone who responds to complaints in my job, it doesn't bother me since we use AI to reply to them all anyway.

2026-09-28 15:25:05 UTC

Big round of compulsory redundancies at work. I'm in IT and accidentally found I had write access to the big spreadsheet of who was for the chop. Edited myself to RETAIN and annoying co-worker in the other team to REDUNDANCY using my boss's credentials. Amazingly, it worked.

2026-09-27 17:25:05 UTC

Every time a coworker mentions using an LLM for work, I take the rest of the day off. Why should I do the work if they're not going to?

2026-09-27 15:25:05 UTC

Forever being accused of being a fussy eater. I'm not the fussy one, I can select an item from the menu in any restaurant in under a minute. The rest of the family spend half an hour deliberating on whether to have the fish as they had fish just last Thursday.

2026-09-27 11:25:06 UTC

Got a bit concerned that my piss was purple this morning. Called 111 to ask for medical advice. They asked me to go to the bathroom and open the cistern. Turns out my husband added one of those toilet cleaning pucks in there. God bless the NHS and their infinite wisdom.

2026-09-27 03:25:08 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/117/340/865/047/035/321/original/862ac950a8d32da3.png

2026-09-26 22:25:05 UTC

I never thought I'd be laughed at for saying I bookmark stuff on my phone for quick reference and use wikipedia daily for looking up stuff that interests me, but today, at work, I was. Imagine life never having gone down a wiki rabbit-hole. How utterly dull.

2026-09-26 21:25:05 UTC

Just had breakfast at a new BF's place for the first time. He microwaved a frozen Greggs sausage product and ate it dipping it in condensed milk before each bite. I know I should respect others' personal choices but are there any normal non-fash straight men left in this country?

2026-09-26 07:00:02 UTC

Ready to unburden yourself? Click to confess: https://b3ta.com/addfess

2026-09-26 03:25:08 UTC

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess
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