Belghast

Xennial • Widow • Petfriend • WASD Stan • Daily Blogger • Weekly Podcaster • Eternally Confused • avatar by https://gamepad.club/@ammosart

He/Him :heart_bisexual: :heart_pan:
CIS is not a slur

Belghast (npub1zye…xp2h):matrix.org

I assist in the operation of Gamepad.club, hit me up if you need help with anything.

🎮Now playing🎮

#Diablo3
#Diablo4
#FinalFantasy XIV #FFXIV
#Fallout76
#GuildWars2 #GW2
#LastEpoch
#PathofExile
#WorldOfWarcraft #WoW

#VideoGames #Gaming #Games #fedi22

Daily Blog: https://aggronaut.com
Weekly Podcast: https://aggrochat.com
Location: Tulsa, OK
Core Beliefs: https://aggronaut.com/core-beliefs

Public Key

npub1zye8glajry4xy6ag2f5ej0l4cemrzv7er8f80cm2cplufxgj0wysxexp2h

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belghast_at_gamepad.club@momostr.pink

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relay.momostr.pink

nostr.mom

nos.lol

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npub1zye8glajry4xy6ag2f5ej0l4cemrzv7er8f80cm2cplufxgj0wysxexp2h

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Published at

2026-10-26T18:19:16Z

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Last Notes

2026-03-18 00:47:45 UTC

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It sucks..., but at least I have a path, and this is more or less what I had been preparing myself for. I get my chemo port installed on Thursday in an outpatient surgery, and then I believe I will start Chemo on the 31st, but meet with them on the 23rd to set up the schedule.
Time to push through it friends and get to the other side.

2026-03-18 00:45:56 UTC

So I finally got the news from the surgeon and it has progressed enough that the "surgery only" route is off the table. Supposedly the best path is chemo for four months, radiation for two months, then surgery. I could do surgery first, but would still have to do same chemo and radiation so... might as well go with the route that is supposed to have the highest chance of remission if I have to do chemo at all.

2026-02-21 20:30:48 UTC

There is a whole-assed coffee table, but Gracie decides to stand exactly on top of the book my mom wanted me to buy for her...
Thankfully, she didn't do anything to it.
#Caturday
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/116/110/512/213/962/881/original/5c4549d22241577f.png

2025-11-20 12:23:09 UTC

I saw a baby bunny on the way home from getting donuts this morning, and I immediately thought "I can't wait to get home and tell my wife", then kind of lost it once the realization hit that I can't do that.
So I cried while driving home and mostly got it out of my system by the time I pulled into the driveway.
I miss her so much, but this is the sort of flurries that are happening these days. I want to tell my wife something, then realize I can't and break down for a short burst

2025-11-16 14:13:19 UTC

Mostly posting here so I will have a place to link it to a friend...
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/115/559/784/068/925/585/original/3ec362c7642be8f1.png

2025-10-14 13:44:42 UTC

Not widely syndicating this one, but since I have folks who are extended family here... the kind you choose. Figured i would at least post it as a private/cw post.
https://aggronaut.com/2025/10/14/ineffective-cosplay/

2025-09-18 20:50:25 UTC

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extremely cute

2025-09-15 13:34:26 UTC

Good Morning, Folks! Right now is the perfect time to dive into #GuildWars2 because there is a hyper-overwhelmingly generous Fractal event going on that is giving away tons of gear and even a few legendary items.
Instant Fractal Groups
https://aggronaut.com/2025/09/15/instant-fractal-groups/
#ARPG #MMO #MMORPG #VideoGames #Games #Gaming #GW2

2025-08-13 15:47:27 UTC

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my sis in law made me some zuchinni bread so I have been eating on that for the last few weeks.

2025-08-13 14:44:31 UTC

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chocolate chips or blueberries?

2025-08-05 16:11:43 UTC

It's a hard day because it would have been the forty-ninth birthday of my wife. I am fighting against this by having enjoyable meals. Sure, it is excessive to get delivery for breakfast and now lunch, but fuck it... I live in a society that has such things.
I will have mundane things tomorrow, I am sure.

2025-07-26 00:00:47 UTC

I have good days and I have bad days. Right now, I am having a very "all of the light has been drained out of the world because I miss her" day. Turned that way about halfway through the day. Took a mental health day and took a nap... but neither really helped.
Mostly, I am just accepting that I feel miserable knowing that eventually it will pass.

2025-07-23 18:36:43 UTC

Other things that I have listened to a ton lately...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Sj-FmI5JfA
I desperately want the full album that goes with this, but sadly, we have to wait until September

2025-07-18 12:06:02 UTC

I've decided that the best indicator of my mental health state... is that I am still getting up every morning and making the bed

2025-07-14 14:36:18 UTC

My first EAP appointment is now set for Thursday. I am terrified of it. I've had a really bad experience with therapy in my past. I know I need this, or will need this... so I am brute forcing my way into attending.
We will see how this goes. I have three sessions for free as part of this program which seems really limited. However I think from there they either refer you somewhere or it goes off your normal insurance.

2025-07-14 12:53:30 UTC

Morning Folks. I am fighting between two emotions right now... the fear that grief and loss are becoming my personality... and the guilt over the fact that I am attempting to move on with life.
Games are a distraction, but a mostly ineffective one.
Grief As A Personality
https://aggronaut.com/2025/07/14/grief-as-a-personality/

2025-07-10 14:36:19 UTC

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all the video games have just sort of felt like noise right now. I may go down and watch a movie or something.

2025-07-10 14:33:10 UTC

whelp... I had attempted to start trying to harvest some family contacts from my wife's phone... and that is not a thing we are going to be doing today.
I got a few down, and it is just too hard to unintentionally read her conversations right now while trying to find the numbers.

2025-07-10 13:31:36 UTC

Hey #Blaugust friends. I am not running the event this year because quite frankly... with everything I have been going through there is no fucking way.
However one of the coolest bits of a great community is that it can function when the person who started it needs to step away. All of those great mentors I have gathered throughout the years... are stepping up and helping me.
My friend @npub1jlw…56ms posted about the event this morning. Check it out.
http://nerdgirlthoughts.game.blog/2025/07/10/blaugust-2025-is-coming/
#Blaugust2025

2025-07-10 13:20:20 UTC

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I came to the realization that my halfass is more sufficient than some folks wholeass

2025-07-10 13:01:31 UTC

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if I had been thinking... I would have brought and used the physical recorder that we use for his sermons normally so I would have a good clean copy
I just had too much shit on my mind

2025-07-10 13:01:00 UTC

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We had two people recording the service, so I am hoping one of them has decent audio from the pastor

2025-07-10 13:00:37 UTC

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at some point... I am just going to make the damned video that should have played and give it to the family.

2025-07-10 12:39:43 UTC

Yesterday was the funeral and I survived more or less, but am just bone-weary exhausted both mentally and physically. Everything that could have gone wrong... went wrong... to hilarious levels.
I talk about this and begin the third phase of my life.
https://aggronaut.com/2025/07/10/the-quiet-begins/

2025-07-09 23:22:59 UTC

I survived the funeral. It was a comedy of errors, but my wife would have laughed at the foibles. I will probably write about it in the morning.
I am safe, I am home... I am no longer wearing "people clothes"
I feel like a weight has been lifted from me since I was so focused on trying to get to this day.

2025-07-09 12:11:20 UTC

I think I have arrived at the reality that I am a writer... and I am going to need to write my way through this pain.
Yesterday was the visitation and I talk about that... and how damned hard it was to watch so many people I care about finally arriving at the pain that I had been dealing with since last Tuesday. Yesterday, it became real for them.
Aggressive Hugging
https://aggronaut.com/2025/07/09/aggressive-hugging/

2025-07-07 13:14:46 UTC

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that is one of the long-term goals that I have. I have so many lifelong friends now who are nowhere near me. I hope to get to a point where I can go visit them here or there. I know the few that I have met in person, it is like any walls and pretense falls immediately because we know each other on a more fundamental level than physical interaction.
I never did much of that because I never wanted to inconvenience my wife or we were always dealing with the school schedule

2025-07-07 13:10:20 UTC

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that is a pretty brilliant analogy because like... I still feel periodic moments of crushing grief for like my grandmother... I will see something, hear something, think something... and it all comes rushing back in a wave but also passes over quickly enough to not truly devastate me.
I think the passing of this grief is just too big right now and i know, given time, it will shrink, but it will always be there.

2025-07-07 13:08:05 UTC

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you are always welcome, you have always been a dear and precious friend. I am thankful we both abandoned Twitter around the same time because I got to know you a lot better rapidly. We knew each other and had for years, but it was different, I guess.

2025-07-07 13:03:22 UTC

I should probably not loop into threads from previous days... because it just ends up pinging the old stuff.
I am not used to "quiet public" sad posting, but like... I have not been able to bring myself to blog, and I am using this in a similar relief valve manner. Both thanks and apologies for reading these.

2025-07-07 12:46:23 UTC

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I think maybe I have flipped into the anger phase of grief because the longer that conversation sat with me... the more it enraged me.

2025-07-07 12:45:45 UTC

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more than that... he moved down the fucking street from her. He can technically still see her at any time he wants.
I mostly kept my shit together during this call that drug on for fucking ever, and I am thankful I had the grace to do so... but holy shit was that a fucked up discussion. I kept trying to get off the call and he kept saying "but it helps to talk about it"... fucker while I have known you for two decades we are not close, you are not the person I am going to.

2025-07-07 12:43:25 UTC

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I am going to be petty for a moment. Everyone has been well-meaning, and my logical brain understands that. My emotions, though, are a bit raw and will be for years.
My boss is awesome and has been trying to cover for me and keep people from reaching out to me. One of my employees, however, called me yesterday and then tried to do the whole I know what you are going through. His wife left him... I watched mine dying in front of me. We are not the same.

2025-07-06 12:36:12 UTC

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I am in the process of nuking shit from my facebook. I never used it really, at one point I had my blog syndicating to it, and apparently at one point I had twitter posting there too.
It is fucking weird how much happier 2015s twitter was.
Mostly Facebook is the thing that my wife's family uses for everything, and I feel like I need to at least have a presence now. She used to be the one who kept tabs on things for me so I didn't have to.

2025-07-06 11:54:19 UTC

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So much of my life has been doing a thing and then telling my wife about it... so I had the overwhelming desire to message her to tell her how sweet they were.
It's like my brain cannot rewire itself around not having her. I know it is going to be a long time, but it is like all of these instincts are built in after almost three decades together.

2025-07-06 11:50:21 UTC

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I didn't really expect to be going by today, and honestly... that order is way too much for just me. They were worried about me and would not let me pay for what I got. Pretty much everyone who worked there came to the window to check on me.
I did not realize that I mattered that much to a donut shop. It was very sweet.

2025-07-06 11:49:09 UTC

I got up and went to get donuts mostly to do something normal. We used to have a standing donut order that they would have prepackaged and ready for me, and I cancelled that as one of the many strange things I did over the last week because I did not want them to be out the money. Its a small mom and pop donut shop and I did not want them to lose that product.

2025-07-05 11:17:18 UTC

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I hate that I am somewhat proud of myself for eating what was effectively the second thing resembling a meal in three days

2025-07-05 10:49:25 UTC

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I don't actually want donuts... I just want some sliver of normality even though the illusion faded the second I got home.

2025-07-05 10:48:50 UTC

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Mostly continuing to thread this so that folks can mute the thread if they want to be rid of it.
I went out for donuts mostly because it was part of my weekly rhythm. The only place that was open is someplace we never go. I did not remember why, but they were out of apple fritters which is my go to Saturday order. Instead I ordered a pinecone, which is my wife's traditional order. It looks nothing like a pinecone... which I guess explains why we never went there.

2025-07-04 23:09:04 UTC

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Dad brought over a bunch of photos for me so I could scan some of them. This one was delightful and probably made me smile more than anything to this point over the last few days. I have no memory of this.
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/114/797/475/299/698/776/original/c73ca375c68c3046.png

2025-07-04 13:48:14 UTC

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I was always so cautious when I posted about my wife online, because I was always scared that one of my half-baked takes would blow back on her as a teacher in a red state. It always felt so odd that I was leaving out this massive part of my life and only really talking about her in general terms.
This is a photo I am not including in the slide show, but I love it. From when we first got together back in 1996.
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/114/795/269/105/627/973/original/015bf42884fd282d.jpg

2025-07-04 11:12:08 UTC

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My wife was phenomenal. I knew this already. However, I spent some time this morning going through her social media accounts to pull photos for a slideshow video... and it is staggering just how many lives she touched out there.
Like I border on being a hermit, she was a world traveller. We were the thing each of us was missing in the world, and it is very noticeable right now.

2025-07-03 22:52:15 UTC

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The worst part about all of this is that not only did I lose my best friend... but I now have to make countless decisions on how best to pay her homage... on a very short timetable.
I am running on adrenaline mostly. Food seems like the worst idea ever. While I know this week is hell... I think it will be even worse once things calm down.

2025-07-03 12:17:50 UTC

Last night, my wife passed away. It was sudden, unexpected, and I am not okay.
I doubt I will be around for a while. I am not even sure what to say.

2025-06-24 13:33:04 UTC

I am immensely annoyed that Death Stranding 2 is a PS5 exclusive. I want to play it, but I'm not going to give them my money until I can play it on PC.

2025-05-07 18:15:37 UTC

Josie butt has been hanging out with me all week. We've had a lot of big storms, and I think the thunder has caused her to seek out protection.
I am not complaining, I love all of my kiddos but Josie has a special place in my heart.
#Cats #CatsOfMastodon
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/114/467/909/670/183/088/original/d06d742bc142000e.jpg

2025-04-25 19:11:04 UTC

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buzz buzz

2025-04-24 16:18:29 UTC

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my only real hope is when Sams Club gets their allocation, because they require you to have an active membership to purchase anything, so it stops most of the bots.
Either that or the Nintendo lottery.

2025-04-24 16:10:12 UTC

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the game gear was a freaking beast, I bought one once I got a real job and went through my "buying the stuff we couldn't afford as a kid" phase. I had an adapter that would let me play Master System games. That was the best. Much Zillion was played.

2025-04-24 15:44:40 UTC

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Since someone boosted this message, it was through GameStop, since I did not say as much.
A friend is waiting in line at a store and they said 80 total units available 52 bundles 28 console only.
So you might have better luck in meatspace.

2025-04-24 15:38:41 UTC

whelp... I briefly had a switch 2 in my cart but before i could finish the payment info it errored out with a sold out status

2025-03-31 15:04:16 UTC

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look a part is just a part >.>

2025-03-31 13:13:37 UTC

For awhile now I have had this intrusive thought about using a ball float valve from a toilet tank... to build a self filling keurig.
Seems like someone has beaten me to this path of madness.
https://www.instructables.com/How-to-Fill-a-Keurig-Automatically/

2025-03-27 21:12:42 UTC

My friend Cyl shared this with me over Steam... and it is amazing. I have no idea what the original source is.
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/114/236/446/772/948/646/original/b79f609d362056c8.png

2025-02-27 16:14:37 UTC

I am really hoping that Dragon Age Veilguard gets the respect it deserves when this becomes a PS+ freebie.
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/114/076/731/700/294/855/original/d5a63d10bc651832.jpg

2025-02-19 21:31:12 UTC

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it is just so different that it looks refreshing for lack of a better word?

2025-02-19 21:23:05 UTC

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I also like 1 the best, but 4 is pretty great too

2025-02-05 16:57:25 UTC

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so now I am wondering... where does that shopping button go? and is it a site that still exists?

2025-01-29 23:34:20 UTC

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her "eye liner" is the part that kills me every time... she can basically get anything she wants by looking cute

2025-01-29 22:20:41 UTC

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if cottagecore starfleet uniform was a thing, it would be this

2025-01-29 22:18:25 UTC

When I put together the shelving unit beside my monitor, I reserved the one closest to me to make a little area for Gracie.
She mostly hangs out there while I record the podcast on Saturdays but occasionally like right now she comes to visit during the work day.
#Cats #CatsOfMastodon
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/113/913/957/343/384/001/original/e3351c0c83de3518.jpg

2024-12-10 19:11:50 UTC

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I've invested a few points in the tree and several items, and only have something like 36 life per second regen, which is outrageously low when I am used to getting like 300 off single items and 1500 to 2000 per second total.

2024-12-10 19:09:55 UTC

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regen technically works, it just works at a much much smaller magnitude than I am used to in POE1. It is harder to stack a decent amount as a proper defensive layer.

2024-12-05 22:28:22 UTC

If you have never played #GhostofTsushima you should absolutely check it out. In my pre-POE2 Wanderlust I decided to fire it up last night. I had originally started it on PS5, but picked it up a while back for PC on sale because I greatly prefer this type of game with a mouse and keyboard. If you were a fan of the #Witcher3, this is definitely in the same sort of wheelhouse... but feudal Japan and Samurai.
#VideoGames #Games #Gaming
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/113/602/564/684/011/302/original/fcddea4705e1c213.jpg

2024-12-04 14:37:57 UTC

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yeah I should be around Friday night to get folks in, will post my character name whenever I get one created so folks can ping me for invites.

2024-12-04 14:34:46 UTC

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absolutely me, but unfortunately I am going to have to recreate the guild since it does not carry over to the new game.

2024-12-04 14:25:55 UTC

This morning is a mixed topic of various bits of #PathOfExile II news. They released the full spoilers for all of the ascendancies, so I talked a bit about my plans. I also talk about the preload announcement, and the Twitch drops video.
Path of Exile 2 Acendancy Spoilers
https://aggronaut.com/2024/12/04/path-of-exile-2-acendancy-spoilers/
#ARPG #MMO #MMORPG #VideoGames #Games #Gaming

2024-12-04 00:08:57 UTC

Seeing the news that XDefiant is shutting down...
I had to google to find out what XDefiant even was >.>
As someone pretty plugged into video game news... that might be their problem right there.

2024-12-03 16:41:41 UTC

The thing about leaving Twitter early, is that while I lost some good people along the way... I also jettisoned a lot of bad people. Not evil necessarily but bitter, hateful, judgy, and generally toxic.
A lot of the good people are showing up over on Bsky so maintaining an account there to hang with them, but also seeing some of the bad ones, but better prepared to just block and move on with life.

2024-11-14 12:25:20 UTC

We had one of those weird over night deliveries... and I unpacked it this morning and got busy doing something else and before I made it back to break it down... Josie had claimed it. This is now where she lives.
#Cats #CatsOfMastodon
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/113/481/288/749/422/209/original/f18ad6d360bcf0f6.jpg

2024-11-09 19:17:27 UTC

I think the single best thing going for folks right now is that every time a single party controls the executive branch and both halves of the legislative branch...
They no longer have an oppositional other in power to rally against, and they start fighting among themselves and factionalizing within party boundaries.
This combined with Trump's short attention span... is pretty much the only thing that might save us.

2024-11-05 19:12:25 UTC

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if it happens multiple times it might be a better sign so... best not to assume anything

2024-10-31 18:53:58 UTC

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yeah... this is what ends up creating console players heh
Like I am always going to be here playing on the PC and jumping through hoops to do it, but I get the appeal of just hitting play and not giving a fuck about much else.

2024-10-25 21:40:24 UTC

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Of the two of those I liked FO4 much better, but also didn't have any issues with it that caused me to bounce so I might just be wired to enjoy it.
13 I never finished because some of the fights annoyed me.

2024-10-21 16:50:02 UTC

Lifted from Reddit, but this is now one of my favorite Player/Dev interactions heh
#PathOfExile
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/113/346/431/089/022/252/original/74aefe4b21e2f8e9.jpeg

2024-10-18 18:19:50 UTC

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wow that is rather picturesque

2024-09-27 15:25:45 UTC

Morning Folks! I'm a bit later than normal this morning because I took the day off and I have been sidetracked.
This morning I talked about how effective my chicken farm has been in #Minecraft and how it is making me contemplate sending the cows to the big farm upstate to free up room.
Additionally, I talk a bit about what I have been doing in #LastEpoch.
Unlimited Chicken
https://aggronaut.com/2024/09/27/unlimited-chicken/
#ARPG #VideoGames #Games #Gaming

2024-09-25 13:10:33 UTC

Good Morning Folks! I've long lamented the loss of Toys R Us, not necessarily as a place to get things... but as the foundational memory that it represented as a child. This morning I share a bit of a YouTube dive into a store that is attempting to recapture that magic in Jasper Indiana called Duck Duck Blue.
https://aggronaut.com/2024/09/25/duck-duck-blue/

2024-09-16 13:27:53 UTC

Morning Folks. It seems like the longer I am sick... the more likely I am to eventually retreat into #Minecraft. This morning's post is yammering about a new survival world as well as me linking a playlist of my very first world back from Alpha.
Block-Based Nostalgia
https://aggronaut.com/2024/09/16/block-based-nostalgia/
#Games #VideoGames #Gaming

2024-09-09 01:54:33 UTC

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I'm pretty sure at this point anet might be the only thing that is still profitable

2024-09-08 23:24:54 UTC

It isn't like I have never used a Tear of Purity before in Path of Exile. If one drops while early in the campaign I might throw it on... but given that I rolled a Ruthless character recently and got this... I have a whole new appreciation for how broken it is to have Purity of Elements early on when you have no other auras.
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/113/104/507/008/881/081/original/189d6fd612730b6e.png

2024-09-04 12:40:27 UTC

well.... shit. I thought this felt worse than your average generic cold. Thing is this also means my wife had it because it is not like I am around a lot of people on the regular.
Tis the season I suppose. This is my first verified case, thought I suspect I have had it before but just either tested too late or too early.
https://media.gamepad.club/media_attachments/files/113/079/322/937/970/162/original/e1c0fd5f68c4110a.jpg

2024-09-01 03:05:40 UTC

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look I've found my tv remote in the fridge...

2024-08-27 18:48:53 UTC

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heh quite the quick change there

2024-08-21 22:21:26 UTC

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I've never been asked, but also I think it is a genuinely thoughtful thing to ask.
I mostly just deal. I have a weird thing about food textures, but I've pushed past it just not to be a bother to people.

2024-08-05 16:07:50 UTC

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Yeah I figured you would be able to leapfrog the progress you had already made on your standard character.
Holler if you end up needing anything specific.

2024-07-31 16:39:12 UTC

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we have a discord where folks chat during the leagues along with various other games so you are more than welcome
https://discord.gg/cCeHpZBQ5p
There is a roles channel that lets you flag which games you want to see info from.
Also if you have any specific questions I am always happy to field them. The game is "a lot".

2024-07-31 16:27:05 UTC

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I wrote this post a while back when trying to help onboard another friend of mine. It might have some nuggets of information that are useful.
https://aggronaut.com/2023/07/24/getting-started-with-path-of-exile/