Nicola Elle 🏳️‍⚧️

Older trans woman, academic, teacher, researcher. Former engineer, former analyst, former administrator. Avid cyclist. Occasional woodworker and leatherworker and coffee roaster and beer and mead brewer. Trying to be a writer, both academic and non. Love sci-fi and fantasy.

Posts will be auto-deleted after three months.

Pronouns: She/Her

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npub12hhrt3ueyhvnhp6undjqh5zhzfpdu2zngjxqz4jyhzpltwdrdvus6v2ukk

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nicolaelle_at_chaosfem.tw@momostr.pink

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Last Notes

2026-06-06 12:24:16 UTC

It is Day 6 of Pride.
Long before you were born, LGBTQ+ folks were changing the world. We sang hymns to Inanna, and danced for Cybele. We were pharaohs, Caesars, emperors and empresses, kings and queens. We won wars and waged peace. At times, we fought established power; other times, we were established power.
When something seems difficult, look to our history. Wisdom and inspiration may be found from those who have come before.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#pride #lgbt

2026-05-31 19:35:21 UTC

For reasons, I decided to analyze the Iran war under Just War theory, just to see if there was anything to what the administration was saying. And, well...
um...
You know it's a bad decision to go to war when you analyze the Iran war under "just war" theory... and realize it somehow fails ALL FOUR criteria.
Legitimate authority: Congress is supposed to declare wars, not the president.
Just cause: It’s been shown that pro-democracy demonstrations in Iran were astroturfed, and - in part because of earlier strikes - Iran was nowhere near a nuclear weapon.
Right intention: It is very clear that ulterior motives were involved with this, most notably Iranian oil.
Finally, Peace. I'd laugh at the possibility that this will promote peace in the Middle East, if it weren't so tragic.
I expected corruption and incompetence. But analyzing it... I didn't expect it to fail EVERY CHECK BOX!
🤦‍♀️
#iran

2026-03-31 20:44:59 UTC

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Maybe they didn’t go to the financial branch. It’s not just one Office, after all; The Gay offer a wide range of services, including medical, éducation, and social services. 😁

2026-01-18 18:34:03 UTC

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I noticed this rather interestingly when it came to the 2024 presidential election.
For a long time, I'd been paying attention to the Iowa Electronic Markets, which have been operating for decades. Normally, the values in the IEM reflect probability; that is, the values at which events trade - such as the election of one candidate or another - roughly reflect the probability of those events happening, with the numbers acting like probabilities, i.e. the probabilities of either/or events equalling one.
That wasn't the case for the 2024 election - not even close. The values were inflated, with trading values far above those that would be associated with probabilities. In other words, something was significantly skewing the results. 🤔

2025-11-08 06:57:55 UTC

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The problem is that it’s so hard to represent higher-dimensional spaces on a 2-dimensional surface.
Which is why it’s best to refer to it as “wibbly-wobbly, gendery-bendery stuff.”

2025-10-06 20:18:40 UTC

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oh, yeah. Even the toilets are amazing, as we saw yesterday:
https://chaosfemtw.files.fedi.monster/media_attachments/files/115/328/185/258/264/044/original/f02deca41d18939c.jpeg

2025-10-05 23:45:55 UTC

A quick note to my #trans siblings.
If you ever find yourself with the opportunity and ability to care for or even visit a trans friend or family member post-surgery, do so. It is one of the most magical and healing experiences we can encounter.
Thank you, @npub1psr…ufr4 , for sharing a time, place, and spirit with me. The last two weekends were amazing. I love you, girl; I am so glad you got to experience this, and that I got to share this time with you.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:

2025-10-03 03:08:08 UTC

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Seriously. Lucy absolutely wore me out. I thought I had insane-energy after my bottom surgery; Lucy's running rings around me.

2025-10-02 18:32:09 UTC

Realizing today just how broken the concept of heaven and hell makes people.
You start with, “Follow these commandments. If you do, you end up in the spiffy place. If you don’t, you’re going to end up in eternal torment.”
The idea of following rules because of eternal torment becomes more important than actually developing one’s own sense of moral duty, of questioning right and wrong - something that only comes from facing difficult choices, Morally ambiguous choices.
The ultimate result of this is whole swaths of the population who’ve never developed their own morality, and would gladly sell their souls and everyone else’s lives if a two-bit swindler convinced them it’d give them a ticket to the spiffy place.
#religion #christianity

2025-09-29 16:48:03 UTC

Community is what helps us.
This weekend, a very good friend ( @npub1psr…ufr4 ) reminded me to be myself, that I need to be more myself, that sometimes I need reminding to be myself. I loved the moments we shared this weekend, and will hopefully share again.
This morning, for reasons, old traumas hit hard. So, I remind myself who I am, parts of me I neglected in pain and anxiety, and take care of myself how I can.
More friends came in to help, even if they weren't there. I find myself calming to tea I received as a gift from a lovely marrying couple, and think of the beautiful moments they shared with us.
Hold to community, in light and in darkness. This was a middling-to-bad day, overall, though nowhere near as bad as pre-transition. Really bad days get harder, when community is needed most of all. And good days... well, celebrations are meant to be with community.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#trans #queer #transgender #lgbt

2025-09-23 21:13:00 UTC

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Honi soit qui mal y pense.
Shame to those who think evil of it.
And I'm so happy for you that everything has gone so well. ❤️

2025-09-23 18:05:36 UTC

Note to self: Next time evangelicals start claiming the Rapture is coming soon, buy a bunch of human-sized balloons and a canister of helium.

2025-09-22 16:42:04 UTC

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Tacos. Of course. Good to know you're well versed on tradition. 😉

2025-09-19 14:26:37 UTC

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Small update; heard from Lucy's spouse.
Mission accomplished; all done, everything went well.
Congratulations, Lucy. You made it!
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:

2025-09-19 13:50:25 UTC

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Congratulations, Lucy. :QueerCatHeart_Trans:

2025-09-17 16:36:09 UTC

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Quite aware as to how intense things are for you right now. 😁
And you're probably right.
Sorry if gratitude has been on my mind of late. I am currently trying to balance the actions of what has been with what is to come. As such, I find it useful to think in terms of gratitude, for the life I have, for getting up in the morning, for the people that have helped me here, but there are times when gratitude for good actions from others is suddenly weighed down by, frankly, not-so-good actions.
I was Catholic. It's interesting seeing things from the other side, from a distance. I stopped going to church regularly because I couldn't help but wonder if some people in the pews wanted me dead. Finding out about the degree to which the Church and Catholic organizations spread transphobia, well... that was just the last break. I am grateful for the positive things Catholicism gave me - it encouraged a love of learning and scholarship, gave comfort and succor in difficult times, and provided at least the basis of a moral system - but I am not grateful for the patriarchy within it, and the rotten fruits of that patriarchy, and how that has damaged and threatened myself and so many others.
If Catholicism was the only hierarchy I had to deal with, then things would be easy. But it's not. I think of my family; like many families, it has its share of liberals and conservatives. My little area of the family was largely conservative, until events split the family politically, such as the rise of MAGA pushing out other flavors of conservative, and the coming out of family members, myself included.
I love my family; I am grateful to my family. They've given a lot of love and support over the years, even (especially) during my transition, and I can't ignore that or put that aside.
But I'm wondering if it's no longer safe to be with my family, to visit my family. The location is the worst of this; they reside in Texas, and, well... 😬 But beyond that, sometimes conservative family members will say things that just leave me cringing.
So. Gratitude is tested.
And yes. Sometimes gratitude is not enough.

2025-09-15 15:32:12 UTC

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I am reminded of a quote I heard, oddly enough from a former football player:
“There is only one true sin, and that is ingratitude.”
I find myself thinking about this a lot.
We show gratitude to the world, to creation, to the air we breathe and the water we drink and the people who rejoice with us and help make the world a kinder place to live for all.
Those that don’t, those that would make this a harder, harsher place to live… an unliveable place to live for others… have shown their ingratitude.
Some would try to justify their ungracious behavior by citing some Creator. What kind of ingratitude does it show to a Creator to actively support destroying Their creation?
So the argument is made. One sin… ingratitude. Any thoughts?

2025-09-08 21:41:15 UTC

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You made it, Lucy. Cherish that.
As for survivors guilt… and what you’re doing is survivor’s guilt… we’re all survivors of a sort. Some of us reach that apotheosis, and we fight like hell for the rest. :QueerCatHeart_Trans:

2025-09-06 00:25:24 UTC

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Oh, I am so for that! Sign me up!

2025-09-05 18:14:55 UTC

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They know their history - at least, a whitewashed version of it. The whitewashed version of it had the Nazis taking away people's weapons as part of the process of seizing power. And, frankly, given this administration, if it succeeds with us, the NRA knows what's coming next.

2025-09-05 17:59:34 UTC

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Oh, wow! This sounds fun!

2025-08-21 16:33:36 UTC

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That to me is the interesting thing about this.
They're trying to bring on the end times, but to get a reward at the end, they're literally doing the opposite of what they were commanded to do.
"Love Y-hw-h with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and Love your neighbor as yourself. On this are all of the laws and all of the prophets based."
"Love one another."
And, of course, in their actions, they're doing the exact opposite of that. They're going to their deity and saying, "Hi, we want a fast-track to Hell. Can you help us with that?"
It makes about as much sense as lobbying for a Nobel Peace Prize while plunging the world into war and chaos.

2025-07-20 00:05:56 UTC

In my time in the queer community, I’ve been to a few Prides. I’ve been to some of the smallest and some of the largest; I’ve nearly collapsed from exhaustion at Nyack, NY #Pride, I’ve partied with Equality Texas in Austin, and I’ve marched to massive crowds down the streets of Washington D.C. during #WorldPride this year.
That said, there is something about hometown Pride that’s different.
To understand why, some understanding of the queer ecosystem in a fairly large city is needed. It’s a community with neighborhoods, though not in the same way as the cis would understand the term. Many of the social structures and outlets of cisheteronormative society are tainted by the assumptions cishets demand, so we built our own. There are queer choirs, there are queer bands, there are queer dance troupes. We have queer football teams (both American and association - and, I suspect somewhere, Canadian and Australian and rugby), queer baseball and softball (and a shoutout to any queer cricket teams out there), queer basketball, queer hockey, queer cycling, queer roller derby. We have groups for LGBTQ+ kids, for those just coming to terms with being LGBTQ+, and for senior citizens who’ve been through decades of this. We have queer groups for just about every ethnic and religious group imaginable.
In other words, within any large community, there is a queer community within, which (like the larger community) are designed to explore almost every interest imaginable, in an environment far more welcoming than cishet society provides.
And the one place where all of those groups come together is Pride.
It is the gathering place - the queer community, in all its beautiful and quirky glory. The point is inclusion rather than exclusion; all of us are excluded from areas because of who we are, so the point is to be as inclusive as we can. It’s as close to a general assembly of queer community as exists.
It is a family reunion, in the best sense of the term.
And no matter where we’ve gone, it’s always good to come back home, to our found family.
Can you dig it?
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#queer #trans #lgbtq
https://chaosfemtw.files.fedi.monster/media_attachments/files/114/882/607/822/894/085/original/066d58107ffe938c.jpeg

2025-06-10 14:37:42 UTC

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Kind of felt like that for me for months, to be honest.
My problem is that I want to write a worthy post, a worthy reply. And sometimes I just don't have it in me.

2025-05-30 22:26:56 UTC

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There is an orchard in Upstate New York, near Medina, that I love to go to in the fall. The orchard has a pick-your-own area, where you can go and pick straight from the tree. Part of this is composed of varietals that will never see a supermarket: varietals that for whatever reason never caught on, or were once popular but then nearly vanished. I love to pick from these areas, to experience all the different ways this little fruit - this apple - can exist.
I did not know about the wild apple forest. Reading this, the orchard I love now feels kind of like the Smithsonian - a remarkable place, but one that has its own ancestors, far more impressive and ancient, elsewhere.
I've tried Gros Michel bananas; there's a place in Florida that will sell them in season. They are quite good, and easy to see why they were the dominant banana variety into the 1950s. Ironic that it's likely that the Cavendish will follow the Gros Michel into near-oblivion in the next couple of decades, and for the same reason.

2025-05-20 12:51:17 UTC

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A thought, with regard to neurospicy hobbies and how they relate to capitalism. (A friend of mine bought a lathe a couple of days ago, and I got to geek out with her.)
Most of those neurospicy hobbies I have came about because something didn't meet my specifications. I wanted alcohol I could stand the taste of. I wanted a pen made in a particular way and wasn't some cheap plastic thing. I wanted a cup of coffee I could stand the taste of (see a pattern?). And, to a large extent, capitalism, which should in theory be able to satisfy these needs (hey, supply and demand! We have demand, people...) couldn't.
They have to appeal to the masses. I am a mass of one. And that is the limit of capitalism - it supplies to the masses as though the masses were a mass of people.
On the other hand, good craft production satisfies. I know others like the coffee I roast, like the pens I make. But, in both of those cases, that is secondary to making something I can live with.

2025-05-15 14:38:08 UTC

A random thought.
Imagine if you were to take an American evangelical Christian from, say, the year 2005, and send them forward in time to the present day.
What would they think of the full-throated fatted-calf idolatry of Trump and MAGA so prevalent in evangelical circles today?

2025-04-17 19:29:41 UTC

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First, congratulations!
Second, I'm laughing a bit, because this sounds rather familiar... playing Duolingo while mentally not here is a remarkably frustrating trip.

2025-04-15 01:35:46 UTC

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Glad the operation was done; hope you start feeling better. :QueerCatHeart_Trans:

2025-04-10 03:08:26 UTC

My message to you, on this day.
Find a way.
Any way.
Survive.
You must survive.
Too many enemies would delight in your death.
Don't give them the pleasure.
Find a way.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#trans #transgender

2025-04-04 19:31:11 UTC

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I think the latter would apply. We don't know. And when we do look, it ends up being discouraging.

2025-04-04 18:53:12 UTC

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I love something you said here.
"because he played a businessman on reality TV".
THIS EXACTLY.
He has never been a businessman. He's been a con artist who's masqueraded as a businessman.
Which brings me to my term for this, for @npub1psr…ufr4 's amusement.
This is smash-and-grab kleptocracy.

2025-04-03 18:26:03 UTC

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That reminds me of the fun story how the WarGandhi came into being. Basically, in Civ1, Gandhi's initial aggression was set at a bare minimum because, well, it's Gandhi. Problem is, over the course of the game as various political and social discoveries were made, aggression would decrease - which, given that it was represented as a 0-to-255 number, would loop around to 255, leading to WarGandhi. It became such an institution in Civ that they kept it.
(And yeah; does explain a lot, doesn't it?)

2025-04-03 01:47:04 UTC

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Love the look, Lucy! ❤️

2025-03-31 16:38:14 UTC

:QueerCatHeart_Trans: Happy #transdayofvisibility , everyone!
We are here. We will always be here. We're not going away.
I'm Nikki. I'm a college professor here in Upstate NY. I started transitioning in 2019, and publicly came out in 2022. Right now life is interesting, but the last couple of years I wouldn't trade for anything.
I'm me. I'm finally me. :QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#trans #transgender
https://chaosfemtw.files.fedi.monster/media_attachments/files/114/258/014/737/437/869/original/22db073e549447df.jpeg

2025-03-26 03:19:30 UTC

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And, just as an aside and so that you all know who your mod team is, I'm @npub124l…p555 .
Hi. 👋

2025-03-19 14:23:12 UTC

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Nah, that’s not the part that got me hot and bothered… the line that said “Trans persons can have the warrior ethos” had me imagining an army of trans people on a plain of battle, dressed in hoplite armor… 😳

2025-02-27 16:45:02 UTC

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Feeling you on this. Okay but not okay.

2025-02-11 21:30:45 UTC

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When the people in charge are batshit crazy, satire is dead.
And, frankly, I'd rather have those high schoolers in charge of things. Who knows, they might actually be decent human beings.

2024-12-30 20:55:29 UTC

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The perfect cup of coffee.
A cozy locally run coffeeshop to enjoy said coffee.
Friends to spend time with in that coffeehouse.
If no friends are there, a good book to read while drinking that cup of coffee.

2024-12-23 20:39:30 UTC

Wow. I’ve never been cursed by a fortune cookie before.
https://chaosfemtw.files.fedi.monster/media_attachments/files/113/704/064/087/485/424/original/c3789567cd0d33e0.jpeg

2024-12-16 12:19:07 UTC

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If it's not, it should be!

2024-12-01 15:47:07 UTC

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Dissociating… yeah, a lot of us did that. Or, perhaps, a lot of us had other things to worry about. We learned what many of our friends and family really were like, how cheaply they would sell us off, and by extension how cheaply they would sell themselves. It’s meant living months and years in the span of a few weeks.

2024-11-24 12:20:30 UTC

Yesterday, November 23, is Doctor Who Day.
Five years ago yesterday, I started taking estrogen - and my own regeneration began.
Best decision I ever made.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#trans

2024-11-21 02:08:22 UTC

As #TDoR begins to fade, and as my energy and consciousness begins to fade, a few thoughts.
To my #trans siblings... it has been a rough year. It's been a heartbreaking year. We hurt. We grieve.
Hurting and grieving is what TDoR is for - to remember those who have fallen, to speak their names so that we don't forget. A shared pain is lessened, so we gather to tend our wounds, to cry for our fallen. We grieve together, we hurt together, knowing that, together, we can stand before the darkness.
Tougher days are ahead. Those who would destroy us will use everything in their power to separate us, to pull us apart, isolate us, drive us to despair.
This is why we must stand together. We are stronger together than we are apart. Together, we shine; together, we rise.
Say their names. Remember those gone. Cry if you must - rest if you can.
And know, my siblings, no matter where you are, no matter the darkness you face, you are not alone.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
#transgender

2024-11-15 18:39:52 UTC

Never have I rooted so hard for a seagull in my life.
(Don’t mind me, just doing a little shitposting…).
#cybertruck
https://chaosfemtw.files.fedi.monster/media_attachments/files/113/488/424/096/614/375/original/c13292f2b2a5ad0b.jpeg

2024-11-04 00:58:52 UTC

I knew this weekend would be a mess with regard to the upcoming election and all, so I decided it was a good weekend to travel. Went to various parts of New England, and got a chance to visit with some beautiful and awesome people for a bit, first with @npub1kgh…yzv8 (who I unfortunately didn't get a selfie with) and then with @npub1psr…ufr4 (who I did get a selfie with! Here's the two of us having a little fun on the beach.) Was a beautiful time all around, and I'm glad I got a chance to finally meet you all in person.
:QueerCatHeart_Trans:
https://chaosfemtw.files.fedi.monster/media_attachments/files/113/421/956/539/841/448/original/2238864a0ba70b4e.jpeg

2024-10-29 22:32:14 UTC

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My drops:
Common: Blahaj, Estrogen pills, Doc Martens boots.
Uncommon: Leather satchel
Rare: Custom Fountain Pen

2024-10-28 20:16:37 UTC

As someone who once claimed to be "Pro-Life" and who recently saw a very silly post regarding abortion, some words I think are in order.
The Republicans are distinctively NOT "Pro-Life". Someone truly Pro-Life, who sought to protect as much life as possible, would also support abortion, birth control, other forms of family planning, universal healthcare, universal childcare, gender-affirming care, funding for school lunches, funding for education, help for immigrants, housing and counseling for the homeless, opposing the death penalty, opposing genocidal wars, and fighting climate change, among many, MANY other life-saving policies.
In summary, a person who is truly Pro-Life doesn't make abortion illegal to force a mother to give birth and raise a child. A person who is Pro-Life makes abortion uncommon by giving the mother a welcoming place to give birth and raise a child.
#abortion #politics #maga #election

2024-10-28 11:53:55 UTC

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Mourning happens. In some ways, mourning has happened. When you went no-contact, that meant mourning the relationship broken.
With them dying, there is mourning what could have been. Mourning the conversations you wish you could have had.
Take time to mourn, in your own way.
(hug).

2024-10-25 22:47:00 UTC

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The management professor in the room is left to ask:
What do I do, then?
🤷‍♀️
Seriously, I get it. I started off as an engineer, and it was expected I would go into some other area, such as sales or management, within a decade or so. Part of the problem is that some tech-based skills, such as those within engineering, have a shelf life, but the skills that don't degrade - problem solving and critical thinking with engineering, for example - are extremely useful for management.

2024-10-01 23:29:56 UTC

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Happy Birthday!

2024-10-01 01:58:58 UTC

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One of the problems with growing up in a Christian household is that there's this tendency to want to see now as The End Times, with Someone Not Liked Politically as the Antichrist. Even after walking away from the church, It's a tendency I have to actively fight against, because the walk to that rabbit hole is already a well-worn path.
That said, I am tempted to keep this one at the ready for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, just in case a conservative relative goes all Conspiracy Theory at the dinner table. 😁

2024-08-12 15:03:33 UTC

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Better Living Through Chemistry.

2023-03-09 02:12:37 UTC

New #introduction.
I’m Nikki.
I’m an #academic living in #UpstateNY. Love #teaching, need to do more #research.
I’m #transgender, and #transitioning.
I’m a #geek. I love #reading, need to get to #writing again (both academic and non), love #scifi and #anime and pretty much anything to do with #learning. (For some reason, on a #philosophy kick right now.)
For exercise, I love #cycling, in particular distance cycling.
Everything else right now is nebulous.
#trans