kasdeya on Nostr: I slowly withdraw my hand, my cheeks burning with anger. How could I let Afi see me ...

I slowly withdraw my hand, my cheeks burning with anger. How could I let Afi see me fall apart like this? I take a few deep breaths to steady myself.

Afi is silent for a long moment, and I can tell that she's holding something back. Eventually she says: "Right now it will respond to 'muse' or 'doll'. But... would you like to name it? ... Or... name 'her'?"

I say the name "Sarah" before I can stop myself.

The doll bows happily. "This one is delighted to receive a name from its owner! Please let Sarah know if it can help in any way."

I fight back tears, hating myself the entire time.

Afi seems at a loss for words. "Ah... maybe we can talk to Sarah more another time.", they say eventually. "Do you want it to go away for now?"

I nod, not trusting my voice.

"You can do that by looking at it, and consciously choosing to end its processes. And you can bring it back anytime by looking at a space nearby and choosing to speak with it again."

I slowly turn to Sarah, and it simply disappears. I let out a slow breath.

Afi pauses awkwardly yet again. Eventually they say, "There was one more thing that I wanted to ask you, if that's okay. Since we're talking about names."

I turn to them, but don't reply.

"Would you like to choose a name for yourself, too?"

"I'm Mary.", I say automatically.

Afi fidgets uncomfortably. "Yes, um... you're Mary Thirteen, right?" They glance at my still-breathing body, where the number 13 is tattooed on both of my shoulders. "It seems that all of the refugees from that asteroid are named Mary."

I give her a confused look. Of course we are.

Afi slowly and carefully chooses her next words. "On this station, most *people* choose their own names. They want a name that represents who they are and what they value, personally."

I stare at her blankly.

"Okay - for example!" She says, pushing through her own awkwardness. "I chose the name Afi Serwaa. It's a Ghanian name. That's because when I was young, I idolized an Autonomist hero named Awo Serwaa. She was an infugee from old Earth, enslaved by a Martian hypercorp, who managed to escape and free about six hundred of her fellow infugees, destroying the hypercorp server farm in the process, and establish an Autonomist cluster hab that's still around today."

"Serwaa Station", she says with tear-filled eyes. "Awo means that she was born on a Thursday, so I chose the name Afi, because I live in the tomorrow that she helped create."

I don't reply.

"Um... anyway,", she adds, fidgeting awkwardly again, "I thought you might want a name like that. That represents what you want or love or value. Or who you are. Something personal."

"I..." I'm not sure how to respond. "I don't know. I don't know how you could have made a decision like that." I reply honestly. "I've always been Mary. I don't know how to be anyone besides Mary."

"Okay.", says Afi, surprisingly quick to accept my answer. "I guess I'll call you Mary for now then. And if there are multiple Maries around I'll call you Thirteen. Would that be okay with you?" I nod, so she continues. "Well, that was all that I had planned to help you with today, Mary. Is there anything that you wanted help with, or that I can explain, or anything else that I can do for you?"

I shake my head.

"Okay! In that case, I'll talk to you later. You can always message me or find me through your muse if you need anything."

I approach my sleeping body and gingerly pull the palm rectangle out of my pocket. "Follow the indicated path to return to home 524." I brace myself for the nausea and pain as I step outside, but it doesn't come. I look numbly at the art and flashing lights, and listen to the electronic screeching that is still playing, seemingly from every direction at once. And I simply step painlessly through it, until the doors of home 524 close behind me and instantly end the sound.

Acting on autopilot, I crawl into the bed recessed in the wall and pull the blankets around me. Then I curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably.