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Total Solar Eclipse 2026. What a wonderful time! Let me tell you ...

2026-08-17T09:24:46Z

Total Solar Eclipse 2026. What a wonderful time!

Let me tell you the story behind this most amazing photo I was ever part of:

On december 15th 2025 I created a Signal chat to invite all of the friends I knew from TROM (mostly) to experience together a very unique and rare event in Europe: A Total Solar Eclipse.

I have been preparing for this for 1-2 years now. I bought a telescope around 2014 or so and since then I’ve dreamed about seeing a total solar eclipse with it.

Thing is the total eclipse would only be visible from here:

That purple band, just a patch of Spain. It was going to be in the middle of August. Super hot, super full of tourists. So preparing 1 year ahead of time was a must.

I was looking for places with Sasha to see where we can all camp. Somewhere where we could park the motorhome and others can rent some places. Oh I so loved when we planned for this!

If you told me in 2014 that in a decade or so I will go with my girlfriend, my telescope, a motorhome and many amazing friends to see the eclipse I would have said is impossible. This is too good to be true.The traumatic start.

A year before the eclipse shit hit the fan for me and my family. My father had 4 strokes in 9 months. I had some weird abdominal pain that lasted for more than a year, and my sister was diagnosed with cervical carcinoma.

Same period of time something else happened to me. For 2 decades now I was able to willingly blind myself about something and then I opened my eyes.

What something?

I knew and learned, I learned and knew all I could about reality. From quarks to quasars, from society to science. I am not busy with a job or anything else. So these things are a daily part of my life. And in the back of my head I started to realize that fucking shit if I ever take this thing too seriously I will loose my mind. Cells, atoms, death, far away stars, quantum silliness, evolution…then combine with the stupid and silly world humans have invented: jobs, social classes, brands, money, countries, papers….and it makes no fucking sense to me. I was HONESTLY worried I will loose my mind over this at one point in my life. Because it is too much for a human brain to handle. There is this guy I see when I go for a walk here in Estartit where I live, he sits on a bench and talks to himself and I always wondered what happened to him and if I may end up like that. This is a terrible thought I have at times.

So the world my parents, friends, or I knew, is just a human fantasy and has almost nothing to do with the real reality. Almost like you wake up one day to realize that all you know is a computer simulation. How can you sanely handle that?!

But I managed to keep myself willingly blind to this clash of worlds in my head, by being busy with TROM. Books, discussions, documentaries, projects. That was like a pair of solar googles over my eyes to protect me from being blinded by looking at the Sun directly.

And for the past 1-2 years I kinda lost those googles. Since TROM was fading away as a project, then seeing even those close to the project being eaten alive by the society, I lost hope and motivation, and thus I was not as busy with TROM and had the time to look directly at the Sun. And it was awful. Because I started to realize my own mortality and how nothing will make sense in the end. All of the struggles, all of the friends and projects, all will have no meaning in the end. This society is a blackhole that eats everything, so my work for the project seemed pointless.

For the first time in my life I felt lost. So lost Sasha was really surprised to see me like that. I felt like I should not even create anything, no content, no projects. I was wondering why I even wake up in the morning. What is the point.

Sasha wasn’t anymore the Sasha I knew when we met, and that broke her too. Because she had to work and also seeing this shithole world, she also lost her way. That broke me so much to see. We were both broke I guess…

So that combined with these other problems with me and my family, put me in a nightmare mentally.

My only hope was Sasha at this point, and my relationship with her. Because I thought at least we have each other despite being broke, and we go through life together. We will find a way, is ok. Every time I felt like suffocating I thought about our relationship and that calmed me down.

Despite all this I managed to work in parallel on new TROM content and was seeking for a path out of this mental horror show. I was making some progress.

A month before the eclipse and when I was finally finding this path out of my head-problems, Sasha comes back from her Iceland trip and tells me she cheated on me and she wants to break up with me. No point going into any details since I wrote a big post here, but this was the hardest clump of sounds a humans has made and my ears and brain had to deal with. Some noise, traveling through the air, reaching my ears, and then my brain. That’s all it took to destroy me totally.

My life with Sasha was over, and so suddenly and unexpectedly, just one month before the eclipse. We already had plans together, we booked things, we … we had to go there together to see this unique event. My only hope in this world vanished in a few minutes.

A good friend told me that for him breaking up from his girlfriend of 7 years was a lot more difficult than dealing with his father’s death. And that stuck with me. From afar you may not think that I am dealing with the death of a loved one now, but in truth it may be a lot worse. When someone dies it is a closure. It is nothing you can do. If you get over it, then there is a path forward for you. Maybe. For me, with Sasha, is always that “hope” that maybe we can fix it. She is not dead, she is just not with me anymore, or does not want to be with me anymore, plus the cheating part…. But for me is like she died and I can talk to the dead. I can talk to her but never bring her back. That’s how it feels. And is so frustrating.

I am sure only those who’ve been through this understand how terrible it feels for me now. I feel like I have a cold that does not go away. I feel like this since she told me the bad news. Or you know when you are a kid and you do something really bad and realize it, and your parents are angry at you, and you have this awful feeling inside that is hard to describe….like even when you wake up in the morning and realize that you fucked it up…and feel like absolute shit. A mix of anxiety, sadness, being afraid or frustrated…and you want to make peace with all and yourself, so this is over, because is so hard to handle. Despite me not doing anything bad, I feel like this. I met with Sasha a few times since then, we talk, and idk how to find that “peace”. At times I wish she said “please forgive me and let’s try to fix this relationship because is such an important one”, at times I wonder if this would happen would it be a terrible idea and we could still not make it work!? Can I still trust Sasha? Can her solo-hiking life be compatible with any relationship? I do not know if there can ever be I and Sasha again. I wish it would…at least I wish we both tried and failed to make it work, and have a friendly closure.

In any case, for me to find happiness now is a lot of work. To be depressed it takes 1 second. One thought and I am down.

This was us when we were planning for the Eclipse in December:

How the fuck it went so horribly!?

So, needless to say, a month and a half before the eclipse I was in such a bad state mentally that I wanted to die. I honestly was ok with that. I felt like that’s it I want to go swim into the sea as far as I can until I get tired and then I will float, close my eyes, and wait and disappear. I had such intense burst of sadness and feeling lost that I felt like physically suffocating and needing to get “out” somewhere.

I saw a video with a guy who was attacked by a bear. He survived and was recording himself in the aftermath. Half of his face was missing, the shoulder was shredded, he was so shockingly damaged it was weird to see him alive and even able to record himself with bits and pieces of his body hanging like a movie prop. This is what happened to me emotionally that period of time. Emotionally savaged. Pieces missing, scars, suffering. Like that guy, I will never fully recover. There is no way. But I survived, still, and I need to deal with this now. Need to recover as much as possible. And is going to be hell for me.

Maybe I should also mention that my telescope broke just 2 weeks before the eclipse. And the motorhome did not pass the vehicle inspection BS just because the solar panels were not “certified” . I fixed the telescope a few days before we had to go for the meetup, but 1 day before the meetup I had to cancel my reservation since I could not legally take the motorhome.

My sister’s “boyfriend” also ditched her for the eclipse. The good part was that there was a free bed in her room so now I could stay there.

So you can imagine a few days before this amazing meetup both me and my sister were trapped in the blackhole of problems and stress. We were really fucked up mentally. My sister had to get the results from hospital to see if the carcinoma has spread, and that would be after this meetup.

Any-fucking-way, does everyone agree that I was anesthetized by problems? Good!

So we were unsure how my father is health wise and how to help my mom with this, my sister was waiting for some really important results from the hospital, I was a mess emotionally and now no motorhome. Everything was ruined for me.

I simply want to mention that we had 5 meetups so far. 4 of them were very problematic. Always some health issues or something bad happening. This last one simply blew them all out of the water.

BUT. But. BuT. but.Friends are coming.

Aaron, Hanna and Joe came a few days earlier to Estartit where we live.

We spent some really good time together. At the pool, snorkeling, having fun conversations. We really needed some people around us to distract us from our problems.

I love this photo of Aaron with the rainbow reflected in the window. It fits his warm soul so well 🙂

We packed our stuff and decided to take my sister’s car. We barely fit but at least we had AC in the car. So hot in August in Spain. We had to drive 4-5h to reach Beceite. The campsite where we will all stay.We are all there!

We were staying like this:

Like a community of awesome friends :). From top left and circle clock wise:

Benji and Lenka
Me, Georgi, Hanna and Aaron
Guil, Noah, Alexio, Clara, Basti, Joe
Roma, Natasha, and Roma’s parents

It was fabulous to all stay together in a camping like that. We would visit each other, like neighbors :). From the first day I forgot about all problems. I did not feel lost or alone anymore.

So cool to be in these mountany region, surrounded by nature.

Guil’s dog Betty was such a nice creature and we all loved her:

Lenka has a cool 4×4 converted into a living van basically. I loved to see that, I love these things:

I met Benji for the first time now, but for the past month or so we kept in touch closely. We had really interesting discussions and to me, Benji is such a discovery recently :). Like I feel so comfortable with this guy and I feel like we get along so fucking well. I think we could spend days talking and not get bored, maybe slightly hungry. We will continue to call each other but I hope he can permanently stay in Europe in the next few years so we can meet up again – more easily and faster.

I already met everyone else except for Basti, Noah, Hanna and Clara. Such nice people honestly! New faces, new minds, new people, new friends? 🙂

We went to a natural pool just 10 minutes away where the water was so fucking cold, but refreshing:

With a small waterfall:

We even tried to get Betty in but she did not like it 🙂

We got to see Aaron doing his joggling balls magic 🙂

And we mostly met at our place that had an amazing view:

We arrived on the 9th and the eclipse was on the 12th. Then we had to go back on the 14th some of us. So very few days. But we really made the best out of them.

Such wonderful discussions, we laughed a lot, had so much fun. We even went out to see the meteor shower and took some night photos with the Milky Way:

You could see the milkiness of the Milky Way with the naked eye even better than in these photos. So fucking cool!The Eclipse!

Ok so what I realized 2 months before this eclipse is that we cannot see it from this camping. The totality was at 20:30 and from the campsite you can only see the sun till 20:20 or so, then disappeared behind a mountain. I spent some time to find a good location using this shadows maps that Guil sent me. Basically to see where around that area we can stay up to 21:00 to see the full eclipse. The eclipse would start at 19:30, full at 20:30, and be done around 21:00 when it was the sunset.

Found a field nearby on the maps, some 6 minutes away with the car. We drove there a day before to test it.

It was PERFECT. And nothing and no one around.

We started to test our gear:

We had binoculars, a small scope, and a big main telescope.

Here we are making filter holders for them:

That was the night before. Next day I tested the telescope one more time because the big telescope I decided would be used to record and stream the eclipse in real time for all to see.

You basically need some binoculars to see an eclipse. Sure, with a telescope everything is more clear, but is not a must. And I made a big mistake when I tested it…

Will tell you more, but now is the time. 18:00. We go to the location. Several cars, some 16 people.

I used my 50 Euros tablet on a tripod next to the telescope to stream the Sun. We had chairs. We had food and water. We were there to stay! 🙂

Alexio and Noah would play chess in Crabik’s shadow (Lenka’s car):

And so it started…

I can see the Moon starting to get in the way of the Sun. I press record and I get an error: No SD Card Available! FUUUUUCK!

When I tested the telescope that day I took the microSD card from the telescope camera and put it in my laptop to test stuff. And I forgot it. It was at the campsite. Fuck. We started to ask around heeey who has a microSD carddd???

Guil broke his phone case to try and get his. Eventually Joe had one in his phone. Gave it to me, I inserted it quickly into the camera, and pressed record. Ouuuh that was close!!! So much preparation and would have sucked to not be able to record.

In the meantime a Spanish car pulled close to us because they saw us many and with “professional” gear 🙂 so they thought likely this is a good spot to see the eclipse. Was a guy and his family likely. He spoke english. He is a chemistry teacher. So nice and friendly. They joined us.

Here is me taking a selfie with everyone from our crew 🙂

From here on we spent almost 1h to see the eclipse unfolding to totality.

Like a black hole eating cheese:

We were getting ready because at totality you can take your filters/googles off and observe it for a minute and a half directly.

Then here it was!

WOW! The black disc! So astonishing. And no photos can do any justice. To see the totality live through a telescope/binocular is totally different. We could see a GIANT red flair from the sun, it was soooo surreal!!

Even with the naked eye the sight was beyond this world:

The colors of the sky, the stars, that fucking black thing covering the sun!!

It was too short! I wish it was at least 10 minutes long. It was over. We applauded and screamed. Success!!! Such a unique event! Now we would observe a fabulous sunset of the Sun and Moon saying goodbye to each other.

And so it was going behind the trees…

So so wonderful….But this was not all!

Same night grains of sand would rain down on earth from a far away comet, shining like shooting stars. We call that a meteor shower. It was the peak that day. Our plan: spend the night in this amazing place and look at the outer worlds!

I have no photos to properly explain to you how wonderful the next hours were. We had the telescope and binoculars, we spotted the Andromeda galaxy and discovered a few other nebulae. We could see a bazillion stars with the telescope and plenty of thousands with the naked eye.

To me this was even better than the eclipse. To spend time with your best friends, under the night clear sky, shout when you see a meteor, show others when you spot Andromeda, lay down on your back and talk about the Universe. It was like the best playground to me. So many people, so astonishing. THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN to me!

I almost cried at times thinking how STUPID, how STUPID that Sasha is not here. I wanted to be with her too, share this astonishing moment. We planned for this together and she was the one I wanted to share this moment with the most. Yes, there are other total solar eclipses you can chase, but some are more unique than others because of friends, location, etc..

We stay up to 3am or so. I could have stay my entire life there with these people. Sure, the night sky is always there, but to me sharing the experience with your closest humans beats staring alone into this abyss of wonder. At least that’s how I feel now emotionally.One more day.

Next day, despite being kinda tired, we went for our last hike together to a nearby place that was really really wonderful. Here are some photos:

Same day Georgi got the best news she could get. The results of her cervix carcinoma came in. She was clear! They removed all of the damaged cells and could not find any carcinogenic ones at the edges. That was a MASSIVE RELIEF and a HUGE POSITIVE news for all of us. Wow. Considering the hell we all went through lately, this was a fantastic news!

We spent the last night together talking till 3am. I could have stayed all night. 🙂Goodbye!

Time has come. A few of us had to leave a day earlier than the rest. Felt quite heavy to leave for me and I think or everyone else.

Is like your emotions boiling inside of you and you try your best to hold that steam in :D. We all had such an amazing time that I think it hurt a lot for everyone to leave. These are my best best friends on Earth, such interesting creatures, and it feels awful to only be able to spend a few days a year with them.

If feels so unjust!

This is clearly the best meetup so far. So eventful, all worked great once we arrived there. All of the preparation was 100% worth it. From the campsite to the telescope setup. Here is a video I made about our meetup:What now?

We are all back and I am a bit scared of the future. I am still messed up emotionally because of Sasha and I do not know how to let this 7 year old relationship go. Is like your parent, or best friend, or yah partner would just stop talking to you and move on to a different life. Or disappear. A sudden change you have to face without a person that was closest to you. It is a death for you, and it takes time to adjust. Some cannot. And I am unsure how I will move on.

I realized I have so many amazing friends. I think is rare to have so many wonderful people around you. This is my biggest help hands down. It is true tho that these friends have their own lives and are far away. But we also have the Internet and we can call. I created a Friends Friday Signal group chat and we try every friday to meet and talk, like friends.

But here’s the thing….life is short and a unique event, so we have to DO something to be happy. I saw everyone be so happy when we met, and I saw this before with other meetups. We should try to make these meetups more often, or do some radical changes. My wild idea is this: a bunch of us to buy a piece of land somewhere in Spain maybe, and make it almost like a motorhome parkup combined with a garden. And we have motorhomes and come there as often as we can. We have solar panels, a garden, water, a place for us to stay as long as we want, but have the freedom to take our motorhomes/vans and go explore other parts of the world. But have this as a home base. So that we can live more cheaply and happily. And that to allow us to volunteer, create events, content, etc..

This is my dream! I am partially there. I have a motorhome and I can go places. So many wonderful nature spots in Spain and elsewhere. I just need to learn to live on my own first. To be happy being alone and explore. To go meet friends and organize events. To do good in this world and be happy. I am inspired by some of the people I know who are alone and are fine with that. They are happy and ok. I want that too.

But for now I have to deal with living without Sasha, or if Sasha somehow changes radically the way she sees our relationship and think is worth giving it another try, we may give it one more chance. But I am unsure if this will work even if somehow we end up doing this. I wish this was 2 months ago, and we were together, and we did all of this wonderful meetup as a couple, as friends, and then decide if our lives are incompatible to split ways in a decent way. I wish….

I have several medical appointments the next weeks to figure out why I have abdominal pain. At least I have little to no such pain anymore so I am not stressed about it too much. Just the fact that I have to go to the hospital. I have to deal with the car and pass the vehicle inspection. Maybe I have to go to Romania a bit to help my parents. I also need to figure out how I will manage it all financially. It all sucks I don’t like any of it.

But I URGENTLY need to find my way in this world. Find happiness somehow. Find something that keeps me going. Without that I am like a zombie floating in an ocean. Is going to be so tough for me the next months, I hope I can manage it. I will for sure use this meetup and this article as a motivator, to remind myself that I have the most wonderful friends on earth, and perhaps the next months I should start to organize our next meetup!

Yes in the end all of it has no meaning. We will die. All will die. But these experiences that we just experienced, are worth for what they are. Momentary awesome feelings. The more you have of these, the less you may be concerned about the far away death of it all. Enjoy now! And so will try! If I can or not will see.

But regardless I had the most fun these past days. I needed that a lot! I felt happy again and forgot about most problems, be it just for a few days. I need more of this!And guess what???

Last night, a bit triggered by Benji :), I looked into the next total solar eclipse more. I knew it was in Spain but this time very much into the South so I thought is not the best place to be in August 2027.

And then I looked closer and I realized no….I’ve been here with the motorhome before and there are mountains around there too. You know what else? This eclipse will last almost twice as long as the one we just saw. THAT’S IT! I go there no matter what!

Already told my friends about it and some were on board right away. I even found an amazing campsite in the middle of a natural reserve, surrounded by mountains, trees, rivers and natural pools. I am contacting the campsite and reserve a spot for me as soon as possible. This made me so happy. I want the opposite of swimming till I cannot anymore and float until I sink, I want now to be happy and chase these events because they are the most amazing on Earth. Alone or not, I will go. But I bet I won’t be alone.

So yah, I was so excited last night I could barely sleep :). And that’s great! At least I have something amazing to look forward for the next year, and in the meantime I will try to keep myself afloat and do more for TROM and myself. I want to go this winter in that area in Spain anyway and “test the waters”. Yuhuuuu!!!

This should give me enough to keep myself okeish for some time now.

What’s love? Not that song, but actual “love”. I always ...

2026-07-31T13:22:05Z

What’s love?

Not that song, but actual “love”. I always hated that word for some reason because I thought it is shallow. But for the past years I used it a lot and got used to it. The dictionary says this:

A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship.

I made a post about my girlfriend cheating on me and dumping me, so you can read it in full. That made me think about what this “love” is, since is a word we both used in our relationship often.

When you have a kid, and you love your kid, love means a lifelong (perhaps) feeling of care and appreciation towards that creature. The kid will smell, poop, yell, be mean, but also kind, smart, funny, cute. You won’t “divorce” your kid just because he poops his pants. No? Love is when you are able to overcome challenges in order to maintain a relationship that matters to you.

If you have a pet, say a dog, and after 3 years you think “fucking shit this thing shits 3 times a day I am done with it” then you are not someone who was prepared to have dogs. If you love your dog, you will put up with these things.

In a couple love should mean the same. If you decide to have a long term relationship with someone you must understand that problems will arise, attraction will decrease, annoyance can become more common, and overall the journey is long and you have to be strong.

If you are in a relationship with someone because “I saw that big boobed girl with a great ass and I love fucking her” then this is not a great start for a long term relationship. Physical attraction is in fact a bad way to start a long term relationship for the simple fact that people get old, they fart, eat like animals, can be annoying, and so forth. You have to change and see the other as your partner, not a sex toy.

If you manage to move from being in love with someone’s looks to also be in love with his/her personality, then even better, but both change, so regardless you have to put a lot of effort to keep a relationship working. Grey hair and getting fat are part of how the cells change over time, but so is the behavior of people. That’s also cells no? So there is no way around this other that adapting, making compromises, helping each other.

Of course all relationships are complex. And if the relationship does not work perhaps is better to move to separate ways. But there is NO longterm relationship that does not have to work like 2 friends helping each other. No way. Time is too long, friendship and helping each other will be far more important to keep you together than big boobs or a 6-pack.

So when my girlfriend said that she will break up with me because she found a better life for herself (solo hiking – adventure), and she also cheated on me (found sexual “freedom”), it made me think a lot about relationships and this idea of “love”. You see when we met she was very attracted to me, both physical and mental attraction. Then physical attraction faded, and mental one idk maybe still there? She ended up wanting her old lifestyle back that made her happier. On the opposite side I did not feel any physical attraction to her in the beginning, but loved her character and her as a person. I ended up feeling physical attraction to her in time, and kept my appreciation for her as a person. She found love and lost it. I grew love and kept it. Maybe that was the difference. That’s my guess.

I hate my parents sometimes. They drove me nuts over the years. But I love them overall. I like their company sometimes. They are there for me and I am here for them. It sounds like a ridiculous idea perhaps to give up on your parents, or kids, or pets, or siblings, just because you found better and more “fun” parents, kids, or pets. But in couples relationships this is normal and people can just give up on their partner after years of being together just because they find “something else”, a better and more “fun” partner, or a better and happier life. I am unsure if anyone can understand this, but in my head this is bizarre. Because if you let this feeling dictate your life you will always have to change relationships and lifestyles, since everything “gets old” metaphorically and literally. If that lifestyle suites you, so be it. I see things differently.

I saw my relationship with my girlfriend similarly to other relationships with my family and friends. Something that needs maintenance and management in order to work. The better you do these, the better the life will be for both of you. Countless times I was not attracted to her – is normal – but I bounced back and found happiness again. Attraction engaged, we are back on track. New ideas, experiences, talks, plans, internal thoughts are part of what can bounce back your relationship. Same way that a beating heart is not only beating but resting after the beat, something easily overseen, a relationship will normally pulsate.

I would find it heartbreaking if I were to find a more “fun” life and suddenly cut ties with my best friend, or my parents, or my sister, or someone very close to me. I would try to have both if possible.

In this Trade Based Society we all grow up looking for immediate fun and rewards because of ads, supermarkets, Malls. Wow that new car is lit! That cool new phone! Clothes, holidays to exotic places, delicious foods, consume, eat, fuck, drive, rinse and repeat. But in my view the wholesome of life comes from what you do in time with the things and creatures you interact with. That “cheap” car you have, you will love it more the more you use it and take care of it. The laptop, the gadgets, the technology that allows you do to important stuff, you will love it for that and get to appreciate its true value beyond the “looks”. Holidays are not important, you enjoying your time is, regardless of the place. Food is not just about taste you realize, else you will eat all of the crap, but about keeping yourself healthy as well. The value of things and relationships comes from deeper inside of them, not the package they are wrapped into.

If you do not appreciate these then your new phone is just a more expensive device that you use to scroll the same TikTok shit daily; your new shiny car is the same box that gets you from point A to point B, and you keep it parked for 95% of the time – but now is more expensive. And if you eat the food based on how it tastes and don’t think much about your health, you end up fat and with diabetes. On top of that your holidays and happy moments will only be that on your Instagram if you chase the exotic more than you chase the good time spent with your loved ones.

To drive a Lamborghini, fuck a supermodel, get your hands on the latest tech, go to exotic places, have expensive clothes and branded watches, feels enticing especially in our shallow consuming driven society, but in time you realize these things are momentary fun experiences and many times empty ones for that matter. Almost like a magic trick. I think sexual temptation is a hell of a feeling and is created by our consuming society in part or a lot (sex sells and that changes values), but so is the temptation for other exciting things, and we know very well that if you do not have control over this temptation, you may end up a sort of junkie that gets to tastes from all and each, something that gets tasteless quite fast. We all try to put our temptations on a leash, else our lives would be a mess. Some are better at this than others. It all matters “what gives”. Is it worth fucking a random guy and get the thrill of it at the expense of a long term relationship with another human? Is it worth eating fast food because is fast and tasty, at the expenses of your health? Is it worth spending so much money on an expensive car at the expense of using that money to have more stability in life? For some people is worth it. For some is not.

And so is with long term relationships when people decide to find more attractive and fun lives/partners somewhere else (the new), instead of finding that excitement and happiness in their long term relationship.

So to me love is this deep feeling of care and respect for someone, that survives the test of time and problems. And when you have love you can also achieve fun. But when you have fun, is going to be a lot of work to achieve love. Because love comes with time and a lot of challenges.

So the word love is shallow the way is used by many people (I think), unless it stands for something deep that keeps a relationship working and thriving.

Now that song 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs

What do I do with myself? 2 weeks ago Sasha came back from her ...

2026-07-13T09:49:30Z

What do I do with myself?

2 weeks ago Sasha came back from her Iceland solo hiking and told me she hooked up with a guy there, and is not about him or anyone, but she wants us to break up because she found happiness in her solo adventures. There were no warning sings this would happen, at least not now or this way. For the past months we had quite a good relationship, even when she was in Iceland as I will explain.

I felt like falling into a sinkhole mentally. I felt like suffocating. First days were awful for me. I cried, something I don’t remember doing for decades now, I had some panic attacks, I felt like I have no direction. Is like being trapped in a cave that became so narrow and dark, and your way back is blocked by big chunks of rocks that just fell behind you. You feel like you are fucked. That’s it!

Since then I had days when I felt ok. And I thought is a progression towards getting over it. But a few days ago I again felt trapped in this dark and narrow cave with no way out.

How come we ended up here with this relationship and how come I am in such a terrible mental state?I am different, abnormal, unadaptable to this society.

Since highschool I started to see the world differently, very much so, from the rest. I started to realize how humans live in an imaginary world of religion, money, jobs, statuses, borders, etc.. And I took this seriously.

I started to write on my blog about it and eventually made the TROM Documentary. 14h long. About why this society sucks and what we could do about to fix it.

This is me working on the TROM Documentary in 2011:

These years I felt very motivated because there were projects like TVP or TZM, followed by hundreds of thousands of people. And these projects were pretty much on the same path as my “weird” worldview. I was living with my parents and my sister. No friends. No girlfriend – actually I do not think I had any girlfriend in that sense, ever. I had that “oh I’d love to also have such a relationship” feeling in the back of my mind. But I was so focused on my online activism.I found my tribe and then I was dumped by it.

I teamed up with TVP and I felt so happy because I was not alone. Thousands of people were working in the same direction. I was getting enough financial support for the first time in my life, to allow me to move in my own rented apartment.

I put my soul into these projects.

I was INSANE! I was watching so many documentaries, reading, writing, producing….you have no clue. I worked from the moment I woke up till I went late at night to bed. People who knew me online were shocked I am one guy doing all of these.

2015ish in my first rented apartment with my parents and my sister:

I worked so much producing the TVP Magazine, the official Venus Project Magazine, that at times I had to fill up the bathtub with warm water and put myself underneath it with a snorkeling tube. On my back looking at the ceiling from under the water. It was just too much work and that made me feel relaxed.

Anyway, reached many people, lots of engagement, comments, feedback, financial support.

Then it all DIED.

My relationship with TVP went very cold and I can only blame them and Roxanne. We broke up and I detailed that in my blog post here. Basically Roxanne surprised me one day and told me she wants us to split ways because the Magazine is basically mine and I do my own thing there not listening to her. Please read the post as this is pure insanity. I was the most collaborative person and had a lot of patience and listened. This is why it was such a shock to me when Roxanne said what she said, since I had a good relationship with her and the TVP teams….

But there is a pattern that you will see repeat in my life: Roxanne and TVP did indeed do some weird things like not putting the magazine on their main website, not talking about it, and so on. Ignoring me and the magazine, while at the same time in private telling me how great the project is and that I do a fantastic job….

I guess people are very bad at communicating their true thoughts and they let things be dragged on in confusion and suffering. The breakup was hard for me, since I was always open to fix the things that do not work, if there were any. After all TVP was bragging about how communication is key to solve our differences, and yet they behaved like any other emotional human entity from this society. TRUE DISAPPOINTMENT!

I felt so lost..

After so many years of putting so much effort into building something together with TVP, so many written pages, I redesigned their entire website, so much effort…and is all being thrown into the garbage bin from their perspective. Just like that.

This was also a time when most such activism projects were about to die quickly. The trade society is too insane and infertile for good and radical projects emerge and then grow.

I remember I felt like suffocating not knowing where to go next since my whole identity was this online Tio who is a name attached to so many projects and content for TVP. I had many online contacts, but my offline life was the same. Moved back with my parents since I could not afford to support myself financially.

All of this time my sister was my closest ally. She is the only one who knows these things. She got excited and depressed with me :D. Helped me a lot to talk to her about this situation. I rebooted myself.

So it was I and my sister basically, going for walks in a small town in the north of spain, bitching about the world and thinking about new ideas, projects….what to do. But wtill no friends, still nothing changed in my offline life.

Somehow I managed to reboot myself. Took all of the TVP Magazine articles and transformed them into TROM Books. It was all about TROM now. I went through a bit of hell mentally to detach from TVP, but after a year or two I felt great to have my own shit on my own website, no one to stop me from being me.

I wrote more for TROM and did a bunch of new projects for it with a bunch of new people.

Eventually we made our first TROM Meeting and till now this is the most fantastic moment of my life, when people I worked with came to visit me in my little town.

I felt like something important may happen now.Meet Sasha.

There was a girl who was interested in my work and contacted me. She had an interesting website. I was curious to browse through her content. She was traveling around the world with just her backpack for so many years. That was impressive. But what was surprising and impressive for me was that she was aware of me and TROM. And she was impressed by my work, my books, me?! She was also heavily involved with TVP back then as a point of contact for their biggest team, the Russian team. I was impressed by her values and drive.

Sasha organized some english learning classes/meetups in Russia where she would use TROM as a way to both teach english to some people and present the project. I also love this presentation of her life and TROM from 8 years ago. I saw this video back then and I was so curious about this girl. Wow, someone who understood these things and is so involved and wants to tell others about it all?! Fuck! That’s amazing. Honestly I want to meet that Sasha now!

She would do some livestreams called TROM Discussions where they would take bits of the TROM Documentary and discuss. I remember one time I was at the beach watching live and I felt so happy to see that.

She and I got in contact somehow and kept in touch over email.

I was working so hard on a core book that would redefine the TROM Project. The Origin of Most Problems. And I remember I did not have enough money to stay alone in the winter in Spain, because every year my family would go back to Romania for the 2-3 months holiday time and I usually would be dragged along, having no money to pay for the electricity, food, etc. in Spain. So this amazing Sasha sends me some 1.000 dollars to be able to stay and finish the book. I was mind blown. Even now I get goosebumps. My god this girl is something. I thanked her so much, especially since she didn’t have much money at all.

Thank you Sasha! Truly!

Since this Sasha was also part of TROM now, I of course invited her for the meetup.

She came. She fell in love with me and she was very…how to say….inserting herself quickly into my life. I was going through some health issues back then and overwhelmed by meeting so many like minded people. So I do not remember how we ended up together. Maybe she drugged me idk :)).

Truth is I was not attracted to Sasha physically. I was attracted to her as a person. To her mind. But I knew that physical attraction is something that changes and is learned from the environment. Truth is I saw these things different by that time. Not like “wow a hot chick”, but I looked at the person first. I have such a strong allergy to normal people that I cannot have a relationship even with the most beautiful human female on the planet because I detest so much the normal values of people.

I am so “abnormal” that even if a cashier/seller tries to get friendly with me in this town I lived for so long, because they see me often going to this shop, I then avoid going there. Idk man…I just don’t like people. I feel like almost all are crazy motheruckers living in their own fantasy land and I feel uncomfortable around them.

This is why this TROM Meeting was such a fantastic thing for me!

And now that Sasha inserted herself into my life I thought this is beyond fantastic and I have to make sure this relationship works. I started to care a lot about her and see her as cute, sexy, beautiful too. It worked! Of course. But I had to use my brain and not my hormones as a starter, in order to have a fully satisfying relationship, both mentally and hormonally/emotionally.

Sasha, I and my best friend Aaron decided to rent an apartment together. It was easier for us financially and we wanted to try a new life.

Sasha also wanted to finish a book about her life so she needed to stay in one place for a bit longer. I was wondering….this Sasha is so amazing and involved with these projects, but her lifestyle….is so wild compared to mine. I thought she won’t stay here for long…

But I wanted to try something new and this was an opportunity I thought I will never have.A disjointed but great 7 years relationship.

We went through a lot. A few weeks after we moved together Sasha had to go to UK for 3 months because her Visa would expire. In the following years it was a mix of trying to deal with the papers for Sasha to be able to stay in Europe (we even got married), to her struggles to finish her book. I remember she went through a lot of awful moments mentally not finding the motivation to finish the book. I was always there to help her motivationally and with anything she needed help with. I even rebuilt/redesigned her entire website.

I cared so much about her and this relationship that I was ready to do all I can do make it work, despite being reminded at times by Sasha that she may not like this lifestyle when she complained and said she feels like in a prison in this little town. I felt maybe this was a result of her struggles with the book too, not just a dissatisfaction with “this” lifestyle, although I understood her previous lifestyle was widely different.

So whenever she said that I seriously told her that if she really wants that lifestyle back I will be very depressed about ending up our relationship BUT I will help her move on….and we have to help each other move on. Be smart, let’s do it sanely.

However things moved on, she worked on the book, a bunch of friends visited us, we had a kayak, learned to cook paella, we had a very good relationship overall I would say. Actually people looked at us and thought we are the perfect couple.

A bunch of “TROM friends” moved in the same town but nothing really fructified…idk why really. I was always busy and engaged but is not easy to build stuff together. I was very open to making videos, some events, etc.., but idk what did not work.

People are different, have different lives, want different things…idk. These friends left.2020 I felt the most hopeful.

2020 was the pandemic. For most peopke it was an awful time, for me it was a great time. Of course not the deaths and all of that, but the fact that things were calmer and I started to also work on TROM II. Sasha helped a lot with the recordings and when I had to record her she was fantastic. A true powerhouse! She also helped with making the captions after the release. At the same time she was still working on her book.

Took me 3 years to finish the documentary. We were talking about who can release first, she her book or me the documentary. But for me this was a magic time when we both were very active and engaged with our projects and each other. Moving with my parents.

In 2021 I and Sasha decided to move with my parents because we had little money and we wanted to also save to buy a motorhome. It was an idea we both talked about because a motorhome = cheap house + adventures + stability.

Sasha wanted to go hike for 2 months in the Pyrenees to think about her book and finally finish it.

I went with her for the first 3 days as we planned :). Truth is for me is not easy to do these hikes even for a few days. This is Sasha’s world…but I wanted to try it…

I felt sad when we split after those 3 days because by this time I was getting very attached to Sasha. Before her I was emotionally sealed. But she unsealed me. I learned how great is to hug, cuddle, kiss, have someone so close to you. So I felt a deep sadness when we split ways and she went by herself through the mountains. First time I truly felt that for someone.

I supported her fully and was excited for her. We kept in touch, she would send me photos, info, etc..

I was so happy to meet with her again when she came back.

In this meantime I was working on the documentary.Sasha had to work.

In 2022 Sasha found a summer job in diving in this town we lived in. We needed money. Unfortunately.

But she also found new friends. Very good people! And she even pushed me to get my diving license. Experiencing that was mindbllowing for me and I crave for diving again with her….I really do!

Thank you Sasha!

Fuck I miss that 😀

But this half a year work also changed Sasha and us.

In these years Sasha had to work for 6 or more months a year in diving. I felt so bad that she has to do this…those months she was so tired. She was not her anymore. We had no relationship when she worked. We barely saw each other.

I tried to help with whatever I could. I always tried to make sure she has food to eat, cold water to drink, I was there when she came for the break, even opening the gates for her :D. I felt so guilty that she has to work. I talked to her several times about what we can do to support ourselves financially without having to go through this, or come back to a certain place. My ideas like she could help me find more websites to make, were not something she would like. Truth is she also enjoyed diving. Also the people she worked with. So it was not just work, but also the experience of diving and friends.

But we were pushed and pulled between Sasha’s job, paperwork about her residency, lack of money, and staying with my parents. At times friends visited us, even Sasha’s mom with who I got along so well. Such a nice human. I liked that Sasha’s parents were not, you know, the kind that you have to “put up with” and go meet and feel uncomfortable. Were the opposite. I never met her father directly but we said Hi through Sasha and a few times via a video call. Good people!

These years there were some tensions between us but nothing unusual for any relationship. Sasha still craved from time to time about her previous backpacking lifestyle…but I was always telling her if she really wants that we should talk and deal with it like sane humans.I released TROM II in 2023 and…

That same period of time I finally released TROM II. I was so happy with the end result. It is the most difficult project I ever made. But….it got no traction…yes I got some amazing feedback from my closest friends, but other than that almost no one watched it. I put so much effort into it – perhaps I burned myself out…and now no impact, I felt like trapped in a blackhole of depression.

We had another TROM Meeting in 2023:

It was really cool. Got me a bit out of my depressive mood. I so love these moments! This is my tribe! And I am sure Sasha also feels the same. We all cared about each other and were decent humans with each other.

But Sasha had to go work again after the meetup was over.

I went to Prague to give a talk at the last TZM Meeting event.

I felt amazing there. For the first time I was “out there” with my ideas. I worked for weeks on that presentation and I think it went really well.

But then I come back….Sasha is working, we have little money, but we were doing our best to save for the motorhome.

I was doing my driving license classes. We were busy as always.

But here’s the thing…for me at least this was part of a relationship and we were still together, a team, I and Sasha, and we were trying to do something together. Despite the struggles, shitty lifestyle, at least I felt like there is a path forward….let’s get the motorhome, let’s not have to come back here and you to work, let’s release your book, let’s…together.

But I started to feel like Sasha lost her affection towards me…I felt like we distanced. At times I too lost that towards her, but I always fixed it internally.Sasha’s book.

Sasha managed to release her book in 2024. Took a LOT longer than she or anyone else expected. 5 years! I am telling you, and Sasha knows this too well, this book challenged our relationship a lot. Sasha went through a lot of ups and downs, and so many times I was there to help her. At some point because she dragged on things I found irrelevant (going through thousands of fonts for months to pick one) I felt like I was ready to let go of this relationship because I felt too stressed. It is so hard to explain but trust me it was BAD.

I helped her to design the cover and that too was a lot of stress.

I didn’t like that she would let silly things like font types or some small design changes make our relationship stressful. I told her semi-jokingly if she does not release the book by a certain date I will break up with her. Because honestly it was hard. BUT I always opened these discussions with Sasha to try and find a solution. I am always like that: talk talk talk.

This was a period of time when idk if I had any attraction to Sasha anymore, I struggled myself too with my own problems, I wanted something else. BUT I used my brain again and realized that these situations will pass and I have to be the strong one now and support her.

And so I did!

I would have never abandoned Sasha when she was at her most vulnerable moment!

FINALLY in 2024 Sasha released her book!

We threw a surprise party for her. We all loved Sasha. My mother felt like Sasha was her daughter. My sister had a huge respect and appreciation for her and would “brag” about her to her friends.

But after the book release Sasha felt burned out…she also worked again in diving. No time to focus on promoting the book.

The book was fantastic!

She did an amazing job. She also talked about TROM and me in the book and that felt like an honor to me. And she even ended the book with me.

All of her 15 years of adventures, and I was her last one in her book. I felt a bit worried because I did not know if she really meant that. I hoped she did. I was also very moved by it. I shed some tears at the end of reading that book.

She gave me a copy with a wonderful hand written text at the end of it. She thanked me for the help with the book, the inspiration in her life, and said the book is her way to fight with me. Against this system. It is us, a team now. Something like that. I really hoped she meant that, but by that time I felt like perhaps she was not fully feeling that way.

But again not much happened after. We both felt burned out I guess. Tired.

We sorted Sasha’s residency. We released our projects. We were saving money for the motorhome. We did another TROM Meetup:

Sasha had to work this period of time so she could not spend too much time with us…it sucked. But still amazing to meet all of these people!

I am telling you, Sasha working for so long had a huge impact on our relationship. I think we could have found a better way to make money if we both cared about saving and improving the relationship. In all relationships such struggles exist. On top of this going here, there, papers, money, then Sasha’s 5 year work on the book and my 3 year work on the documentary pushed us more and more apart simply because we did not have time for “us”.

Season this with Sasha’s nostalgia about her backpacking life and the death of my hope with the projects I was doing, and it is a disaster.Motorhome!

This is november 2024. I kept myself busy with searching for a motorhome that year. It was my hope that we can finally put all of our problems, or most of them, behind and try this new lifestyle.

We managed to save money, my parents and some friends helped us financially too, and we bought it.

What followed was almost 2 years of not even trying I feel.

I was trying to keep myself excited about the motorhome. Sasha was not as excited. I wanted to work on it for a few weeks at least – is normal, is an old motorhome. Sasha almost always hated when I said we have to do that…but to me it was about working for us, for our little home, for our relationship in the end.

But she did help a lot with it eventually. And she always came with me to check motorhomes and stuff.

For me living in the motorhome was a big challenge. I am used to infinite power, infinite internet, to work on TROM and the like. I am easily bothered by sounds and I love stability in terms of comfort. And now, limited power, limited internet, and not knowing where you park, where you sleep..if it is noisy or what not…for me it was a wild life.

Consider that I always had issues with my digestive system so it is hard for me to figure what to eat, when….

I was not in my best mood at times but we managed to stay in the motorhome around Estartit for a few weeks because we had to leave in December.

We went to Romania with my parents’ car that they bought from Spain and with their stuff that was in Spain since they finally retired. For me too it was a sad period of time to see my parents leave…after almost 2 decades of staying together in Spain.

I and Sasha drove 2.500km to Romania with their car. Not easy. Especially since I just got my driving license. We stayed in Airbnb’s and it took us a few days to arrive in Romania. Only one time we fought over some stuff…else we managed it.

I have to pause here a bit.

Very few people understand my digestive issues and how they impact my life. Many foods make me sick. Sometimes they can trigger an explosive diarrhea in me and is as bad as it sounds, I can’t explain it other way. And I feel sick for days after. This has created traumas for me since several times I almost shit myself, and when I was a kid it happened at least 1 time. It is awful and idk when it can happen. So I need to be careful with what I eat and where I am. Plus I really am scared to eat out…I developed a trauma. Not to mention the many times I feel pain because of these issues….and discomfort. So even driving to Romania was a big challenge for me and the fight we had was because of my digestive issues – I became irritated.

So it is not an easy life for me. Sasha always helped me and she understood me. I thank her so much for that! And I am sorry that because of my issues I was not at all eager to “go out” have a drink and eat something…

I was in Romania. Sasha only stayed a week or so. Her plan was to go to Russia to see her family. I was happy for her since she rarely gets to see them.

We met in late January 2025 in Spain to FINALLY go out with the motorhome!

For a few weeks we stayed in Estartit to do more work on the motorhome. A cousin of Sasha also visited us. We spent some time with some friends there too (Sasha’s coworkers from diving).

17th of February we left!

We were going to the South of Spain to meet with some friends. Another “TROM” meeting, this time not in “my town”. Excited. But also we rushed because of that.

We traveled for 3 months and we saw some amazing places:

I think Sasha also enjoyed it a lot. It is true at times it was hard for us. Especially for me I feel like because I was so not used to this lifestyle and I also just got my driving license. But hey…is normal!

I also made a mistake: I was filming our new lifestyle and that is not a good idea. I was inspired by others who do that, and I thought I’d like to inspire others too, plus provide tips for how to live in this way. But I (and sometimes Sasha too) ended up filming too much at times. And then I ended up with a pile of recordings that I felt obliged to transform into videos. A bunch of times I’d spend hours in the motorhome editing them while Sasha was out and about, climbing some mountains. I should have gone out too.

I will continue to make videos but mostly about tips and such, not to film everywhere I go. This is a bad idea.

At times I felt pushed, pulled, or dragged by Sasha. We both had an extreme lifestyle that we kinda craved for. She wants to climb mountains, be active, go go go…she is so damn active :). Idk how anyone can keep up with her. So she wanted to go visit too many places I felt, and then go go go more! She hated to be the motorhome much. When we arrived at some place she would get out right away, while I was a bit tired and wanted to take it slower.

I am also extreme. I can spend days inside the motorhome working on my computer and be fine. I want my time to read, write, watch, make projects, absorb information.

So our worlds were so apart it was hard to make it work that well. Despite that most of the time we had a great time, also considering these were our first 3 months living this lifestyle that for me was wildly new.

Unfortunately we had to go back before the end of May because Sasha had to work again in diving in Estartit. We were running low on money.

This thing fucked up our relationship. We should have honestly found a different way to make money. At least talk about that…Sasha never really wanted to talk about other options. I am all ready to compromise, sacrifice, in my limits ofc, to make money and support our relationship. I was also working on some commercial websites that I hate, just to make money that period of time.

We were both making compromises. But to me it was worth it in order to build a good/solid relationship and make our lives better.

Same story goes…Sasha works in diving for several months. I go to Romania help my parents with some stuff. I and Sasha do not see each other much. I come back and my father has some serious health issues. Was a lot of stress.

Was this time when I sat down in bed with Sasha, feeling that we grew more apart these months, and asked her what would be your ideal life. She hesitated so I started first. I said I dream of us being a team, work together on TROM like projects, create events, meet new people, volunteer, do important stuff. While at the same time travel with the motorhome and see amazing places, have a wonderful and happy life together.

Her ideal life was a dry: I would like to go solo hiking like before.

I asked if she sees me in her ideal life. It was another dry: no, sorry.

Perhaps that was the moment I should have insisted to end it all?! She for sure did not have the courage to go further with that. After all I was the one asking…trying to understand what is happening with us…and I was also destroyed by these health issues with my father. I was tired, mentally and physically.

So idk what happened next…but things moved on. I thought maybe she just said that now when is this difficult period of time with her working…but from that moment on I tried to prepare myself to distance from her emotionally. Tho I did not manage it very well. Is hard when you still live together….

I told her that. It was soul crushing for me to see that her dream life is only about her.

It is what it is.

You know…yes Sasha from the beginning said she craves for her past lifestyle. She also worked in diving and sacrificed for us. She went from traveling with her backpack around the world to staying with me in Estartit for 5 years. Yes it was so difficult and different for her.

But you know what:

Sasha came to me….she forced herself into my life. She knew I was not like a hiker…I was the opposite. The Sasha I met was the Sasha from that video I linked at the beginning.
We met because of TROM. I liked her activism brain first. She lost that quite fast and became uninterested in these projects. You think is easy for me to see this?! I was destroyed…
My life also changed a lot. I never lived with another human in this kind of relationship. I also had to sacrifice for her to get the papers by all means to get the residency. To put up with her very depressed states when she was working on her book….not to mention the motorohme life was very tough for me to adapt to….Also TROM…had to put on hold projects and such, just because I prioritized this relationship.
Why didn’t she try to fix our relationship like I did when I struggled with the attraction towards her, with her book, with so many things…I always tried to fix these issues and communicate. She not so much. At least don’t drag me into this relationship if you are not happy.
Also, let’s find a better way to make money so we don’t fuck up this relationship…why not even consider!?

Since that moment I didn’t feel like Sasha is someone who cares much about me. In my head Sasha was with me temporarily until she leaves to go back to her backpacking lifestyle.

I was kinda crushed…

I also had some health issues. Then motivational struggles. Then problems with my father. Not a good period of time.

I went to travel with the motorhome on my own while Sasha kept working in diving…

At times I felt very lonely…but I still had Sasha no?! Maybe after this working season is done we can say “fuck this diving job” and go have a life, try it, see if it works or not. Despite all she said…

Told her that if she really wants to go have her backpacking life back please tell me and let’s do it nicely. I told her that many times over the years. She never followed this discussion….So that left me with nowhere to go…I cared about her, I wanted for us to stay together…what should I have done? I gave her the opportunity to at least talk more about breaking up, but she never took it. So maybe I thought she is not that serious about it…idk…momentary frustration that will pass.

I was trying my best to reboot myself. Working on a big and important article. Trying to release a new TROM project, content based, a first in years. It was an important moment for me to try and find myself again.

You see for the past year I told Sasha several times I am not doing well mentally. I felt lost for the first time in my life. Totally lost. I felt like all of these important things I talked about since 2007 have 0 impact. The many hours of documentaries I made, thousands of written pages, many projects… Even for the few close people who agreed with them….they are all sucked into the system. Including Sasha! I was so destroyed to see Sasha go from this witty engaged human who wants to talk about these projects and the problems we have in our society and solutions to these, to become mostly a passive divemaster for the season…and it was hard for her too, to see this happening. But she never asked for help or opened up herself about these…maybe I could have helped. I wanted to and perhaps I still want to. Because she has a tremendous brain full of interesting ideas that she should use and be more than just a divemaster or a hiker. Nothing bad with these, but the powerful Sasha, in my view, is the one who I saw in TROM II, or in that video presentation, or on her blog, or in her book!

So I felt like is just me for the past years trying to keep TROM afloat….

Anyway. Bad bad months.

I came back in Estartit mid October 2025. I was still super happy to see her.

She was still kinda busy….She finished in November.

Because of some more paperwork stuff we had to stay around Estartit till mid December.

I remember one thing bothered me a lot. A friend of hers, a coworker from diving, asked Sasha if she can go feed their dog while they are in vacation for a few days. I was ok with that for a few days. The guy is also my friend. He said we can stay at their apartment too if we want. Sasha said yes…but days became a week…

Instead of us going together to travel, we had to stay longer in Estartit. Sasha would have to go visit her mom in late January so we didn’t have much time for us, again…choosing to stay longer in Estartit bothered me and I told her. In the beginning I was ok since she said 2-3 days, but a week….

Also she was a lot more comfortable staying in their apartment while I was in the motorhome parked closed by. For me the motorhome is the coziest place…our home…but not for Sasha. I am also weird and I hate to stay in people’s homes. I am not used to that. It is on me.

But basically what relationship is this?

And also bothered me because if we were to stay in Estartit for my own reasons, say my sister needed help with something, delaying our travels, Sasha would have been so pissed off.

Anyway…these small things are perhaps a sign of a bigger problem.

Sasha got food poisoning when staying there and I forgot about all of this. I rushed to help. Anything she needed…a massage, go buy stuff…anything I was there for her. I mention all of this as an example that regardless if I was annoyed at her decisions, I was always there for her. 2026 when it all ruptured.

We went to travel again, second time in a year. We had a few weeks to go to the South of Spain again, meet some friends, then take Sasha to the airport.

In fact we spent some nice time together..

But as always in a rush…

I did feel many times like Sasha has her shoes and jacket on and ready to leave. As if she is not here with me for the long term….she went to US to see her mom and had a great time there. I was really happy for her.

Whenever she was abroad we talked a lot and I felt like we had a great relationship.

The plan was for her to stay there for a month then come back and in May to go for 2 months to Iceland for a solo trip…Iceland. Where it all froze.

She told me months prior to this that she would love to do this trip if that would be ok with me. As always I wanted for her to be happy so I supported her fully.

After all I wrote even I get to see more clearly now that this was a bad sign. I mean we already spent almost no time together for the past 2 or so years or more…and what she wanted so badly was not to spend time together, go visit some cool places, get involved with the kind of work that brought us together….no…she wanted something for herself. I feel like an idiot now to be honest…and she should not have dragged me into this.

If she was so not liking our life together, tell me! But what now…you also stay with me while you plan for your trip. I am your support buddy…your little fan excited for you. While you only do this for yourself…looks terrible and sad for me.

But anyway, I supported her.

She came back from the states. Idk if I felt like Sasha was excited to see me for the past 2 or so years. But I was open to end the relationship if she was vocal about that…and I tried to get something out of her. But she just dragged it…maybe she was confused and didn’t know how to approach it.

Because of her cold attitude and some stress that is at times normal when you live in such a small space, and our different lifestyles with me feeling dragged by her, when she left for the states I felt sadness but also a sort of feeling relaxed….like oh now I can take it slowly, write stuff, read stuff, focus on my projects…not having to ALWAYS go somewhere.

That is another bad sign for the relationship.

She was happy and excited, but only for her trip. She was organizing it all….I mean look, our relationship aside, you can tell this is what made her happy….I was equally happy when I went to Prague for the TZM event….but I was always happy in the context of the relationship. Sasha always mattered for me. If I were to somehow have the chance to go do more such events that I love (my thing) I would always include Sasha somehow. And always care about her….I honestly felt like a side thing all of this time when Sasha was organizing her trip.

I felt deep down that this trip may make her finally decide she wants to leave…but it was just a thought that crossed my mind.

One last time with the motorhome.

Before leaving to Iceland we decided to go for one more month together with the motorhome. And honestly it was quite wonderful…

So you see..despite problems we still could get along. Find a way to be happy. Look, ALL relationships that are a few years old at least, will struggle at times. IT IS NORMAL! The key is to support each other and make it work.

For fucks sake there are war journalists who go for months at a time to conflict zones and their partner is “at home” and they make it work. Or professional athletes, or whatever. It all matters if you WANT to take care of this relationship and make it work. And I did. A lot. I was always ready to make compromises, to support Sasha if she wanted to solo travel for some time, to adapt, to COMMUNICATE! After all, I felt no physical attraction to Sasha when we met…but I decided this relationship is so important I want to “grow it”. And I did!

These months I still struggled with my depression and especially some health issues that were making me concerned. Won’t go into details but lower abdominal and groin pain for a year or so…I was in pain. Not fun for me…

I took Sasha to the airport so she can start her Iceland trip. The trip.

It is hard to say how much I supported her with this trip and how excited I was for her. Genuinely.

Mind you when she left we were on very good terms…all lovely and nice.

First month she stayed with a family (workaway). We talked daily. At times for hours. She would share a lot with me. I tried not to bother her at all, let her have her solo adventures. But it was her many times who contacted me. And I enjoyed that.

I was staying in Estartit because of my health issues but also because my sister needed me, so I was helping her.

After staying with that family Sasha went for her true solo traveling in Iceland. Exciting!

She was again sharing with me photos, videos, info…I loved it and I was so happy about her.

This is impossible for people to fully get, but if I were to share our Signal conversation for the entire Iceland trip you would say our relationship was great. She even said 2-3 times that maybe we can take the motorhome to Iceland. I was actually surprised to see her care about sharing stuff with me, even thinking of new adventures for us.

In my mind I hoped maybe this adventure made her realize that she can do these but also have a relationship with me. So we can continue like that…The bad day.

I started to feel like we could have a real chance to truly try this motorhome lifestyle and become happier after her trip. I was taking care of my health more closely, my parents were ok finally, I managed to “get my brain back” via the new TROM project, I got a lot of experience in terms of living in a motorhome and getting used to it; even managing it financially myself relying only on donations. Sasha was charging up by doing her Icelanding solo adventures. We have planned a wonderful meetup coming in August for the eclipse with our most wonderful friends…

I was looking to buy 2 bikes and a bike rack so we can also bike when we go places. This year should have been the last Sasha would have worked in diving in Estartit. I didn’t film anymore our “adventures” and I focused on practical videos, so that won’t bother us.

I wanted to be a lot more physically active so I was planning to go out with Sasha more, and not be a motorhome snail.

I felt like now is the perfect time to give this life a true GO. Was dreaming about the Fjords in Norway, Dolomites in Italy, or other places to go with the motorhome….

But now…

Basically Sasha came back from her Icelandic trip and the same day she told me she hooked up with a guy (just a one time thing) and she realized she loves that freedom to go travel alone, meet new people, etc..

I felt like a piece of the Moon fell on my head. It was late at night when she told me and after an entire day when she seemed a bit cold but at times happy about her Icelandic trip. How can you laugh and tell us fun stories when you know later on you will end a 7 year old relationship…and you also cheated on me? Was very trippy for me the entire thing. That entire day. Totally unexpected.

I never felt more betrayed, scammed, fooled….and deeply disappointed. I will never fully get over this. I cried the first 2 days, and I didn’t even know how to do that since I don’t remember last time I cried. I felt emotionally destroyed. I felt like chocking and suffocating.

Luckily I have the best friends on Earth, and especially my sister who helped me so much. I stayed at her place for a few days. I just could not get back into the motorhome without feeling like suffocating.

The past year was truly difficult for me. Many health issues…with my father (he had 3 strokes), with me (unexplained abdominal pain and back pain for over a year), with my sister. I was also struggling motivationally to “reboot” myself. So Sasha caught me in one of my weakest moments. This is why I was so destroyed. Yes I was about to “get out” of these problems exactly when she came. Like literally I planned to release the TROM project the day after she would arrive….So I was in a deep black hole, then I felt like I found a way out (but still dragging trauma with me), and exactly when I was about to get out a bit, Sasha slapped me with this horrible news.

Is been 2 weeks since that awful event. The health issues are not as much of an issue now for me or my family. I managed to release a new TROM Project that is content based. A first in years.

I had a long discussion with Sasha last week. She cried a lot all of this time since it happened. She feels so guilty and understands she took some absolutely shitty decisions. She gets it. After the conversation I understood even more how Sasha has been terrible at communicating with me her struggles and frustrations in our relationship. I always communicated with her and I had the impression that she is capable enough to be able to communicate back. But I remember many times she could not handle us communicating over important issues. She would cry. This is something she needs to fix else she will fuck herself up in any relationship, and the other one(s) too. She already messed me up.

Despite me being better now, at times I feel 100% lost and no will to live. All is dark and I am so sad and frustrated at all of this.

All of our struggles, cuddles and adventures…all to be gone just like that…so stupid!! so so stupid!

Sasha had a week, at least, to prepare for this. I had no second. There was no indication this is imminent and definitely not in this way. Sasha was in a position of advantage where she found a new path in life that makes her happy. She has that. I have none. She should have been wise about it and come help me a bit, to maybe find a path myself. Talk to me. Do not cheat ffs. Hold yourself for one more week so you don’t fuck up 7 years.

Looking back at our relationship I think we are 2 extreme people. I love doing computer work, activism, write, read, make projects and get involved. The world makes me furious and curious. She loves to go solo hiking, meet new people, see amazing places, make videos about that, or blogs or books.

I do not know if this would ever have worked. But I do feel like Sasha did not give the relation a serious try, to communicate with me when she was unhappy, to try fix things, to prioritize us. I am sure that if both people want to keep this relationship and make it work, and these people are smart, they can find ways even for their extreme lifestyles. We are not unique in that sense. We could have traveled with the motorhome to some cool places where Sasha would like to also hike for a few weeks if she wanted to, and we would meet somewhere else aftter. In this time I could work on TROM without being bothered.

We could spend the rest of the time finding new ways to spice up our relationship, do new things, create events that revolve around TROM-like ideas, meet new people, volunteer, do important stuff.

So we can both have a wonderful life together. Especially since is hard by yourself in this system. Financially, emotionally, physically. Being together is very helpful. The older you get, the more important these deep relationships became.So: What do I do with myself?

I have no answer to that. I have theories like what I should do, but in practice is hard. I will update this part whenever I am able to do something with myself. For now I suffer. I cannot sleep much. I feel a deep sadness almost like a cold that does not go away.

I wish I can share my life with someone who wants to be active in this way and we can work together on projects and events, but also go see cool places and have a wonderful life together. And care about each other. I learned to care about this girl Sasha and to like her, and I created a strong bound with her, because I used my brain and not my hormones. But the trauma, the fact that I trusted her so much and she cheated on me in many ways, will make me not want to trust any relationship 100%. Something broke inside of me. Perhaps being alone is better…perhaps….

Maybe I will meet someone, but maybe I do not need anyone.

I do not regret my life with Sasha. I learned and experienced new things. But at times I wonder…is it better to learn to “love” and care about someone so deeply, to experience that, and then be cheated like I was and be devastated? Almost like climbing a tall mountain and have a crushing crash….Or is better to be alone and never have experienced such “love” and feelings in the first place? When I was alone, no one could have hurt me in this way. And I really liked that.

And just to mention this, for me the real cheating was not her sleeping with whatever ice climbing guide in Iceland, after a few beers and some wine. For me the real cheating is her staying in this relationship with me for years and not telling me if she was frustrated or sad or unhappy. The fact that she did not try to either fix the relationship or move apart in a friendly way. That is far worse. Years of cheating, giving me false ideas and hopes. After all when Sasha came to meet me and she had a huge crush on me, and me not feeling any physical attraction to her, I decided to not crush her feelings, to the contrary, to learn how to like and love her. She does not have to do the same, not at all, but to take a smart decision that won’t destroy me and create a life long trauma.

I do not hate her. And I hope she will be ok and happy. I would suffer if she were to suffer. But she has to understand she made me not trust any relationship fully, or have much hope in humans overall. Idk if she ever experienced this and I hope she won’t. Honestly.

There is not one day that I do not think about what Sasha did to me, after I have been so kind and helpful and loving to her. But is something I get to accept instead of ignoring. I guess most people go with their feelings and I am the weird one who thinks that is far more rewarding and smart to grow a relationship for the long term. I’d rather have a handful of friends and a partner for the rest of my life, together exploring and helping us and others, and have a great ride with a few people who “get you”, than have more and more friends, and relationships, that are not very deep or important. But again, that’s me. That’s what I prefer.

Life/time forces us all to continue. We suffer, we adapt, we change and accept. Some do not have the strength to let time deal with problems, so they shorten it. I will try to find strength, to focus on other things. But is going to be the toughest thing I ever did…

And is funny how Roxanne and TVP did the same to me. After a years-long relationship where I helped them a lot, and they gave me the impression that all is fine, they slap me with a: “Bye bye I want to break up because things were bad for the past months/years!” …. Whaat???

That’s what happens when you are unable to communicate. You hurt people tremendously by dragging them into a relationship that you yourself know is not working and you are not trying to fix it.

Dude but they left you crumbs to follow….being cold with you, ignoring you, not being excited by you…both TVP and Sasha….

I HATE when people do this and it is awful. Especially if you notice it and try to open the path towards communication with them. Build the bridge and ask them what is the problem. And them not following up….leaving things hanging….this is a terrible way of having any sort of relationship.

BAD.

After TVP broke up with me my life became a lot better. Well, you know, I even met Sasha. But it took a year or two. How will be my life now after Sasha broke up with me? I hope better, but right now I cannot see it.

I feel abandoned by my best friend. It will take time to adjust to a different lifestyle.UPDATE 18.08.2026

Since I made this post I also met with Sasha to give her the last stuff she had in the motorhome. We talked for a few hours. Again a lot of emotional heaviness for both of us. She red this post. She says she did try to talk to me, but I think we both agree she did not do it too much or very well.

Anyway after we met I got to see how convinced she is that this relationship is dead basically. Not even because of her cheating, but because she got fully convinced she wants a different life. It is absolutely ridiculous and astonishing to me how we went from a great relationship for the past months, at least from my perspective and anyone else who could see it from “afar”, and the past 2 months of her in Iceland and us having some really nice discussions on Signal and even slight plans to go with the motorhome there, to DONE. THIS IS IT! Just like that. One hour is all it took for Sasha to put an end to it all.

I get it that she already fucked it up by hooking up with that guide, and she was confused for the past year or so about what she wants, and she also found happiness in solo hiking through Iceland….but man….imagine how it feels to me….your “loved one”, “your partner of 7 years”, to come to you and say is all done now. Bye bye. We said “I love u” and sent “cute emojis” on Signal just a week prior to this haha. This is insanity honestly. The more I think about it.

Anyway, I think I have all of the right in the world to be absolutely devastated and feel abandoned and lost.

Here’s another thing I want to emphasis for my future self who will read this article years from now, because I don’t want you to forget that: like I said my father had 3 strokes for the past year and we went through an emotional hell for many months. Every time my mother would call me I was thinking that’s it, he died, so I felt this lump in my throat answering the phone. The so may times we talked to her, and she was crying. Or seeing my father barely able to talk. This was a first time for us, to deal with such big issues. So I was emotionally traumatized for this part year. And I still am because my father is quite fragile now. Even an hour ago my mother called me and the internet signal was not great and I felt like she had watery eyes and could not understand what she wanted….had to call her back. All was fine, but I felt that feeling of terror again. Is normal….

So trust me when I say this: Sasha caught me in perhaps my most fragile mental states I had in perhaps 2 decades. Some days it is so hard for me, I cannot describe. I still hope I am somehow dreaming and I will wake up: Sasha comes back from Iceland and we have a decent relationship, and even if we are to break, we do so gently and in a friendly way. I feel like the Universe did a fuck up on me and is so unfair it should not exist. So I am waiting for a fix :D.

On the positive side I need to remind myself that Sasha was not that “into me” recently and I felt like I was to her just a friend, someone she knows, at best. Which is so sad to me. I need to let go of the past, but is not easy. Best is to keep myself focused on something else.

I started a Friends Friday Signal chat and each Friday we try to get together and talk to each other. Who are “we”? A bunch of people who know about TROM and in time started to orbit around the project. We got to know each other well, and now I’d like us to keep in touch more closely because we all need each other. The world is a weird place and is so easy to get sucked in and become normalized, to forget about the important things. We should try to keep ourselves afloat. That’s how I also met Sasha…and is the greatest regret of my life that it didn’t work out with her. I would have loved to have her there too…as a partner, as a friend, as Big World Small Sasha.

I really enjoyed our first meetup and the rest did too! We will do more and see where things go.

I will get ready for the eclipse the following days and will try to keep my relationship with the people I know, a bit more active.

I hope Sasha will be ok. She cried enough. And we will see if, in the future, we can become friends. It is damn hard to see this now.

Ok, I have to wake up from this eventually. It is either a bad dream and I wake up, or reality which I need to take a hold of and make it better.

Life updates. Is going to be difficult. Almost 2 days ago I am ...

2026-06-27T09:31:18Z

Life updates. Is going to be difficult.

Almost 2 days ago I am told by my “girlfriend” that she cheated on me and also wants to split apart. It was the same day she got back from a 2 months trip to a place she really wanted to visit and explore. I supported her through her journey fully. I wanted for her to be happy. It is true that for the past year or two our relationship wasn’t the best since I wanted something from life and she something else. I would like to go travel with the motorhome, see nice places, but more importantly make projects like TROM, learn about the world, create content, etc.. I would like to get involved with such things. She wanted to feel free, take her backpack, go explore the world by herself. We are both quite extreme creatures, obsessed a bit with our preferred lifestyle.

A year ago we were sitting in bed and I asked what would be your ideal life? I said mine would be for the two of us to be a team, work on interesting projects like TROM that would open the door to meet new people, to do something important in this world. Let’s make videos, write, go meet other organizations, do talks, get the active in activism. And at the same time travel with the motorhome, see cool places, have fun. She said her ideal life would be to feel freedom like she used to. Take her backpack and go go go. Not knowing where to. Just feel free. See amazing nature places, meet new people. I asked if she sees me in her ideal life, and she said an honest “no”. I said why are we together then…but things moved on…somehow…

From that moment on I knew this will not end up well for our relationship. Mind you I said since then a few times if she feels like we should take a break let’s do it and that’s it. Let’s make sure we split apart in a sane way. But nothing followed that.

But is not like we were fighting now or there were any signs the breakup will happen, at least not so sudden. We’ve been in touch over the past two months while she was in this nice place enjoying her preferred lifestyle. She even said to me that it costs some 700 Euros to take the motorhome there with a ferry and maybe we will do it one time. Was excited to see her. Picked her up from the train station and I felt like she was cold to me, despite the dying Spanish heat that day.

For the entire day we talked a bit about her adventures, she was happy to story some of that, we ate, she slept, we met with some of her friends and they had a fun chat about these adventures. We went for a walk, then back to the motorhome. I sit down and she tells me that she hooked up with a guy, and that she felt so amazing in this place, she felt again like she was free and was in awe. She is deeply sorry and she was crying all of this time. She said she does not care about this guy or being with someone, she just wants this lifestyle back.

This is more or less a classical breakup story, and this bothers me a lot. I was very vocal with her about the fact that if we are to move apart let’s please do it in a way that we do not hurt each other. After all ending a 7 year long relationship is not that easy regardless, so let’s land that plane safely. I told her directly maybe let’s think of taking a break if you want that, you go do your thing, I do mine, and we see where it goes. But let’s call it that. And if is permanent, so be it. But we need time to adjust to a life without each other. At least I needed for sure.

You see I was never in such a relationship before. I was a loner, making TROM and the like, because my brain cannot simply adjust to this stupid society. I cannot ignore the problems I see, the amazing scientific realities I am aware of. I cannot have a normal job, go chitchat with the work mates, watch a movie later on, rinse and repeat. So I was basically all alone except for my close family and some people I kept in touch with online.

In 2019 I organized a “TROM Meetup” to meet with the closest people to the project for the first time. It was really fun and encouraging, but I also had some weird medical issues that turned out to be just a kidney stone being trapped somewhere down the pipes. So it was a mix of feelings. But one big thing happened that time. This girl who was very involved with TVP and some with TROM, basically conquered me mentally and physically. We ended up together and my feelings were a bit mixed due to my health issues and the fact that this was so new to me.

We ended up being together for some 7 years, and we’ve been through a lot. Since I was never in such a relationship before I put most of my energy into it, meaning I thought this is such a precious thing I might as well take care of it. She was my priority regardless. To help her as much as possible, be there for her, be kind to her, etc.. Because not only did I care directly about her, the now, but I also realized that we need each other for the future. To support each other emotionally, physically, and financially. It was fantastic.

I remember the first few years was telling her how now I can sleep so well and fast, because I felt so close to her and relaxed. I miss those moments. Before that it would take me hours every night to trick my brain into falling asleep.

She struggled tho. She wanted her adventures back from the first years we were together, and that made me sad. Sad for the relationship, but I always told her if she really wants to go, please go. Let’s have a serious discussion and it is what it is. I was afraid she would leave. I lived with that little fear inside of me for the past years.

She lost her interest in these sort of projects, and I understand. Most people did. It is fucking hard to keep swimming against the current in this big ocean. We did work together on some things including TROM II.

We bought a motorhome some 2 years ago, and that I could never do without her. She made most of the money to buy it. I had a hope that this is something that would make both of our lifestyles have a common happy ground. But from the get go I saw her not very interested in it. We said let’s give it a try.

For the past 2 or so years we’ve been traveling in Spain. We saw some amazing caves, mountains, lakes, and nice places. But I was doing bad mentally since I could not find my motivation to work on TROM again. Is really great to see some cool places, but for me is an empty feeling if I do not do something else more important than that. I was not able to create any new content in this time.

She was also not that happy or excited at times. She is very active, great for her honestly, but she needs more than this.

Anyway, we had serious discussions about perhaps moving apart but I insisted we land the plane safely.

Her last adventure, I felt, was a make it or break it thing. Either she comes back happy and charged up, and ready to mix that lifestyle with our own, or she comes comes back happy and charged up, and ready to go back to this lifestyle. BUT, and I INSIST, I thought if the second thing happens, we will spend a few days landing the plane safely.

You see, I got NO indication from my conversations with her over the past 2 months, that this is inevitable. She would send me photos and videos, she would give me hopes at times that perhaps we will go together to that place one day. We are going to see a total solar eclipse in August and we have everything booked, us and our friends. So the plan was she comes back, she works for 3 months in this town, I will go out a bit with the motorhome because is too hot to stay here, and we meet again in August, and then we see.

The day has come, she was back. I was of course excited to see her. I could not even sleep much that night. She was, after all, my main human still. I invested myself emotionally and physically in this relationship for the past years.

Picked her up from the train station, hugged and kissed her. She for sure felt cold. But I thought she is tired. We went to my sister’s apartment where we had something to eat, she had a shower. She would excitedly tell us about her adventures a bit. There was absolutely no sign of what was about to happen. She took a long nap, I took her with her luggage to the apartment where she’ll stay for these 3 working months. There she also had happy discussions with her room and work mates about her adventures.

If I knew I would end our 7 year old relationship today, I for sure would feel sick to the stomach. And unable to even produce a smile. I would be destroyed because I would realize what I am about to say and how it would impact the other one.

I have lower right abdominal pain and back pain for a year now. Also right leg pain. It drives me crazy. We investigate to see what it is, but needless to say having pain, whatever and wherever it is, for more than a year, almost daily and for the past 2-3 months daily, is really fucking you up. Physically and mentally. I take painkillers now daily. I am worried I may have something bad. Is normal. We continue the tests and all that so we will see. But I was in a very bad state mentally and physically.

However when I was alone I was able to work on new TROM content. I finished a big article about a very important topic, and I was about to release these days. I thought this is my reboot. And now maybe we both can be charged up and try to adapt our preferred lifestyles to meet in the middle. I hoped. I also felt like now that she comes back I can get myself distracted from my pain-life. Maybe we spend some time together, I was curious to know more about her adventures.

So that night in the motorhome she started to cry and told me that she hooked up with a guy as a one time thing, but she wants her lifestyle back so she cannot continue in this relationship. Being already tired as it was midnight, I felt like I was dreaming. I was not even angry at her. I was sad. And truly disappointed.

I was sure she is smart and wise enough to make sure she also cares about me if she is to take such a decision. Make sure you don’t fuck me up. If I was the one taking this decision I would be in an advantageous position since I have made up my mind, I have accepted it internally, and I have found a different path. I know where I am going. But not the partner. So I would make sure to take care of the partner and make sure she is ok and she can handle it all. I would really struggle to make sure we land and not crash the plane.

After an hour of talking and her crying, and me being shocked, she left. There was no yelling, no drama. Just absorbing the bad news. I stayed in the motorhome and for the first time in many years I started to cry and feel like shit. I don’t think anyone has seen me cry, because I am able to internalize my feelings and I simply do not cry really. I may get watery eyes and some tears, but that proper cry never. Well now I experienced it fully.

I felt like a lion in a cage suffocating. I wanted to go out, but I had abdominal and back pain. I stayed in bed with the lights on until 6 in the morning. I am parked in the parking close to where my sister lives. I stayed around here for the past 2 months since I had to do some medical exams, but also because my sister also had some health issues and I was here to help. So I went to her apartment. She has a spare room. I felt a bit better. She woke up to go to work, I told her. She was shocked.

I could barely sleep yesterday. I am usually bad at managing my thoughts when something stresses me out. I think and think until I get exhausted. I thought a lot about our relationship, the past, and the future.

The past makes me wanna cry. Nostalgia is a hell of an emotional rollercoaster. All of the times we were happy, the fact that we were amused at the same jokes, we agreed that this Trade Society is the fault for most of our problems, how reality is amazing….so many things.

But the future is what scares me shitless.

All of my life I went full on detach from this society. As much as possible. I try to walk the talk. I never had a job so I struggled financially, but that also kept me saner and focused on these TROM like projects. I do not know how to support myself in this system. So alone I am fucked. Luckily others have helped me over the years, and when I was with her we managed to support each other. First, for me, emotionally since for the first time I had such a close relationship with another human. I felt like we are going together through life, facing it like that, rather than alone. So that was extremely important for me. Maybe for her too, even if she may not realize now. You understand how important such close relationships are when you are in trouble. And a few times this has been the case, for both of us, and having someone so close to you to help, is essential.

Now I have the motorhome, less than a thousand euros in my savings, and I feel terribly alone especially when I think about the future. Especially since I am someone who does not look forward to meet other people per-se, I am not that “social” at all. So for me, meeting someone else, seems like an impossible challenge.

Yesterday I was putting her stuff in bags so she can grab them from the motorhome. And I got very emotional. I realized that this is it. This lifestyle is gone. She is gone. And I will have to deal with it. I was chocking in my own thoughts.

Trust me I was ready for moving to separate lives, and I talked to her about that, but she caught me in a very bad moment and it was so sudden. I felt so sick.

I was crying like a bitch and felt like suffocating while putting her stuff into the bags. I had to leave the motorhome and asked her to come finish the job because I simply cannot handle it well.

Last night I slept in my sister’s apartment because I feel a bit sick to stay in the motorhome. I never thought I would be so emotionally fucked up, but is because I was already struggling mentally too with my health issues, at times not sleeping thinking what if I have some really bad thing like a tumor. A word I’ve heard as a rare possibility from my doctor twice now. So what I needed was support, and what I got was devastation.

I am not angry at her, I do not want to hurt her at all, I want her to not be sad and be happy. I would suffer even more if she would suffer. I simply cannot hate her. But I am deeply disappointed in how she handled this. She did an absolute terrible job and she hurt me so much, nothing hurt me like that ever. And I hope nothing will.

She already decided, she knew, she was ready. She should have made me ready. At least wait till next day and tell me. And hooking up with someone else…while we were still chatting on Signal as if nothing happened, tells me she found happiness and fun, and that our relationship was not that important for her anyway.

It is a very difficult time for me, for sure the most difficult in my life.

She helped me and was nice with me for the past years. I appreciate the time we spent together. Because of her I was able to experience new things, a new lifestyle. I used to be emotionally sealed being alone for so long, I was saying you could send me in a spacecraft to the nearby star system, alone, and I will be ok. I no need no one. The relationship unsealed me emotionally, I got used to be with her, to know she is there. And now without her I feel weird.

I do not know how I will adapt to being alone again, how I will manage my life financially when I can’t even have money to pay for the yearly motorhome insurance. How my life would look in years from now. I always much preferred to have a solid relationship with a few humans, a partner and a few friends, for all of my life, than jump from one life to another. Maybe because I am uncomfortable with meeting up new people, and with people in general. The reality (from atoms to galaxies) is not something the vast majority of people use as their template for who they are, and that confuses me a lot. The world is full of citizens, workers, all sorts of characters that are fantasies created inside people’s heads, supported by this cancerous society.

For sure there are many out there who are humans, and maybe I can meet more of them. But the reality is that the vast majority of people live in a fantasy land and that makes me really not wanting to “go out there”, meet anyone.

I am really lucky because my sister was here. She helped me a lot, both mentally and with the fact that I have a place to stay in this heat of Spain. Would be impossible in the motorhome now. I am not alone in that sense. Also Roma, Aaron, Roko and a few others are amazing friends who supported me endlessly with this. It helps me talk and vent out the frustration, same way it does writing this article.

Time will fade out most such problems. Maybe this shock to my system will lead to something better for me. Right now all I want is to sit for a few days….think…absorb and get over it as much as possible.

She may read this article, is likely, so I want her to know that I am not upset at her. And I honestly hope she found happiness. But life can be a different ride from now on, where solid relationships may matter more. I am not sure if I lost her, or she lost me.

I am truly disappointed that she didn’t manage to help land this plane. I was expecting a lot more from her.

I am swallowing a lot of things that make me wanna puke these days. Disappointment, sadness, loneliness, concern for the future. But I am sure I will get over it one day.

Is going to be difficult.

UPDATES 28.06.2026:

I got very little sleep these days. I talked so much with my friends about it all. I found out that everyone is deeply disappointed in this girl and that it affected not only me. This girl was a rolemodel for many others, and we all thought she is a smart and sane human who knows how to communicate and deal with these situations properly. Breaks my heart when I hear our closest friends say they lost hope because of this, because they thought is possible to have a down to earth relationship when they looked at us. Like one that you can manage in a sane way.

I woke up today at 7:30 in the most horrible way. A combination of stress and being tired. I felt like I never felt before. I felt my chest and my arms, my body were squashed, I could not move well, I was sweating like hell, I felt dizzy, confused. I was really scared I even made some noises almost like I am dying and idk what is happening. It was also because of my health issues probably, got into my head that I may have something bad.

That made me think this morning. I think these are the reasons why I got so emotionally fucked up now:

1. For the past 2 or so years I was in a black hole mentally, unable to see purpose in life at times. In short is because the world is a mess and idk what to do with myself in this mess. Is really hard. Was unable to do what I was doing before with TROM and such. Told her several times, even she was surprised because everyone knows me as this “continue by all means” guy. Give no fuck, make stuff, walk and talk. I never felt so bad since highschool when I tried to kill myself. So I was already in a terrible mental state.

2. Exactly one year ago we went through hell with my father who since then had 3 strokes. It became a nightmare for us, for the family. Dark thoughts, dark moments. Now he is stable for the past few months and that has helped a ton.

3. For a year now I have these health issues I was talking about. I was sent from specialist to specialist. They cannot find anything, which can be good but also bad. May be something more sinister underneath, maybe is not. But the truth is that it fucked me up mentally from time to time. Made me have dark thoughts over the past months especially. I am still booked for more tests. Is not easy to be in pain for so long and have no answers. It truly sucks and I am on painkillers daily, which also make be a bit dizzy and slow. I was already struggling to sleep and had some panic attacks from time to time.

4. The past weeks my sister also had to go through some very very stressful health issues that could have been very bad. Only last week we knew for sure she is relatively ok. I was basically the only one here absorbing her problem too, try to help with whatever I can. This also gave me nightmares.

5. Despite all that I finally managed to be ready to release something new for TROM. I am super happy with the big article I wrote about a super important subject. Was about to release this week and find happiness again. Find myself again. I was excited like I was not for the past 2 years. My father was ok, my parents were ok, my sister was ok. My health issues not ok, but at least no other issues.

So the news that I got, and the way I got it, destroyed me. I was fragile physically I think, vulnerable emotionally, and destroyed my little way out that I was waiting for so long.

She has no idea how much she fucked me up. I am doing my best to get over it. To try and focus on other things. For now I cannot stay in the motorhome anymore, I feel like suffocating. The heat also does not help at all. I am not currently feeling any motivation to go out with the motorhome or how to continue. Luckily I stay at my sister and we support each other. And I go to the pool every day.

But is fucking hard, no joke. I never was in such a fragile state before. This could have been so different. A thoughtful breakup.

I don’t want to affect her with these posts in case she reads them, but I am honestly not doing well and this helps me.

34€ tablet, made brand new with eOS The story goes like this: ...

2026-05-01T16:00:57Z

34€ tablet, made brand new with eOS

The story goes like this: we needed a tablet for Sasha to use for a month. She goes to Iceland for 2 months. First month she will do this workaway so she will stay with a family there and help out, so she needed a device that she can use at times to watch videos, browse the web, write, etc.. Because the phones are ridiculously small for most such tasks.

She won’t take the laptop since it is too big and expensive and she will hike the month after the stay, so imagine having to hike with your laptop.

Now the tablet would serve her well even for the hiking month since she can use it to read books (offline as pdf, epud, etc.), but also as a second device for navigation (offline maps) in case her phone dies.

A tablet that is! One that we can sell or give away when she comes back!

We found a Samsung Tablet SM-T550 from 2016 or so. 34€ second hand with case and keyboard. Perfect! We grabbed it.

Now see the video for more info:Ok, so how did I do it?

Took around 2 days.

First of all, this ONLY works for this specific tablet, but the approach is similar for other tablets.

Our tablet: SM-T550 gt510wifi.

You need to download these files. I will reference them in this tutorial.1. Erase the SHIT

You need Windows. I installed it in Gnome Boxes (I use TROMjaro Linux). This is going to take time and it is annoying. I forgot how much of a piece of shit Windows is. But well.

In Gnome Boxes you can select Preferences and enable external USB devices to be recognized in Windows. Like:

I’ve put all files on a USB stick from Linux, then had them accessible in Windows via the Gnome Boxes.

Now install the Samsung Drivers in Windows (SAMSUNG_USB_Driver_for_Mobile_Phones.exe). Prepare the Tablet.

Do a factory reset. Then enable the Developer Mode. If you do not know how to do these maybe do not move forward because you will break the tablet.

Make sure the USB Debugging is set in Download/Media file mode.

You can watch how this guy does that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3Sh4Zti-fE

You then need to put your tablet into Download Mode. See min 3 of that video how to do it.

Connect it now to your computer. In Gnome Boxes allow it to be shared with Windows like I said above.Let’s Wipe!

Next extract Odin3-v3.14.1.zip. Then open Odin3-v3.14.1.exe. Click ok.

It looks like this:

See if it detects your tablet. Then click AP. Select the file twrp-3.6.2_9-0-gt510wifi.img.tar. Before you click START, go to options and uncheck AutoReboot:

Click Start. Like the guy from the video does.

Now you have installed the WIPER!

Tricky part comes next.

You need to reboot the device into recovery mode. On the model I have I had to press the Power and Volume Down (or could be UP) until the screen turned back then immediately press the Power + Volume Down + Home button and keep press till it boots into the WIPER which looks like this:

Took me many attempts to make this work. If it boots normally you have to start the process again and put the tablet in Download Mode, open Odin and so on….

Now to Wipe it properly just watch the same video to see how the guy wipes it clean and follow exactly.2. Install eOS

If you managed to do all of this congratulations all of the hard part is done. I recommend putting the e-3.2-t-20251106-UNOFFICIAL-gt510wifi.zip file on a MicroSD card and insert into your tablet. Then select it for install. Again watch that video.

That should be it.

I went with eOS instead of Lineage just because…I like that they keep it simple and you do not need to do much after the install.

Anyway took me a long time to figure what files I needed for the job.

I hope this post can help others too…

Unbelievable that you have to do this….but is not people’s fault. Not even Google or Samsung. It is out trade-based society that is at fault here.