Nostr notes by Uncle Duke

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours ...

2026-11-01T14:04:20Z

wife: you should go move the clocks
me: no problem
[three hours later]
wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔 ...

2026-10-31T14:01:05Z

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

they also carry a wide selection of hand gloves, leg pants, and ...

2026-10-30T13:36:49Z

they also carry a wide selection of hand gloves, leg pants, and head hats

regulations are killing free enterprise ...

2026-10-28T21:56:23Z

regulations are killing free enterprise

Whoever did this and I would get along well. ...

2026-10-28T00:09:18Z

Whoever did this and I would get along well.

sons of bibliography ...

2026-10-26T17:54:31Z

sons of bibliography

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT ...

2026-10-26T13:53:07Z

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

“Good morning, my little minions.” ...

2026-10-25T22:29:22Z

“Good morning, my little minions.”

“Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, Intro to Webcasting.” ...

2026-10-24T18:10:25Z

“Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, Intro to Webcasting.”

one ring to rule them all ...

2026-10-22T22:36:29Z

one ring to rule them all

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly ...

2026-10-22T14:00:33Z

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly overstated his qualifications on the job application.

no their not ...

2026-10-21T13:37:35Z

no their not

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that ...

2026-10-20T17:43:40Z

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Janice, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really stand a change.”

“And when you turn the left tap?” “Kittens.” “I’ll ...

2026-10-20T13:03:29Z

“And when you turn the left tap?”
“Kittens.”
“I’ll take it.”

A noise in the night Has brought me awake So I grab my coat And a ...

2026-10-20T01:03:45Z

A noise in the night
Has brought me awake
So I grab my coat
And a lamp I do take
I slip out of the tent
And creep down to the lake
When I see something move
And my hands start to shake
Could it be a bear?
Or a poisonous snake?
So I shine my light
And there can be no mistake
It’s

the survival instinct is strong in this one ...

2026-10-19T13:20:19Z

the survival instinct is strong in this one

We share myriad facial expressions with our simian cousins. Among ...

2026-10-18T17:07:40Z

We share myriad facial expressions with our simian cousins. Among the most common are those engendered by happiness, anger, surprise, fear, sadness, and kale.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, ...

2026-10-15T20:52:45Z

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s ...

2026-10-14T13:48:33Z

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s house and it looks like he’s headed this way!”

i'd be too worried about accidentally butt dialing my grandma ...

2026-10-13T20:36:43Z

i'd be too worried about accidentally butt dialing my grandma

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, ...

2026-10-11T16:34:02Z

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

i've seen some terrible puns but this is really the last ...

2026-10-06T15:25:00Z

i've seen some terrible puns but this is really the last straw

quite often a suspect can be spotted loitering around the crime ...

2026-10-04T14:00:49Z

quite often a suspect can be spotted loitering around the crime scene

“So my wife walks in out of the rain, soaked from head to toe, ...

2026-10-04T00:32:49Z

“So my wife walks in out of the rain, soaked from head to toe, and I say, ‘Look kids, it’s a drizzly bear!’ She hasn’t spoken to me in two days, but it was totally worth it.”

punk’s not dead ...

2026-10-03T14:05:34Z

punk’s not dead

you gotta be super careful when summoning demons cuz you ...

2026-10-02T01:07:07Z

you gotta be super careful when summoning demons cuz you mispronounce one word and things get weird

sticks pinky out ...

2026-09-28T16:38:25Z

*sticks pinky out*

debbie sounds like fun ...

2026-09-27T16:36:57Z

debbie sounds like fun

"Hush, Horatio. Did you not hear the Dark Lord's call? Go ...

2026-09-24T19:01:47Z

"Hush, Horatio. Did you not hear the Dark Lord's call? Go now and summon the others, for it is the time of The Reaping. Soon we shall be bathing in the blood of our enemies."

"I don't know, Max. I'm pretty sure that was just a can opener."

i’m no hercule poirot but ...

2026-09-23T23:14:16Z

i’m no hercule poirot but

“Where’s Chris?” “I don’t know.” “You told him ...

2026-09-23T14:41:45Z

“Where’s Chris?”
“I don’t know.”
“You told him three o’clock?”
“Like ten times.”
“Fucking drummers.”
“Should we wait a little longer?”
“Screw him, take the picture.”

After a bitter divorce, and her very public nervous breakdown at ...

2026-09-20T13:20:48Z

After a bitter divorce, and her very public nervous breakdown at a London night club, Flüf returns with her most personal album yet. 𝘞𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘌𝘨𝘨𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘴 drops this Friday. The first single, the visceral “Pluck You,” is available now on all major streaming services.

“Nobody’s going anywhere until you two work this out.” ...

2026-09-07T22:16:41Z

“Nobody’s going anywhere until you two work this out.”

The cats graciously put on a magic show for us last night. I ...

2026-09-05T14:29:52Z

The cats graciously put on a magic show for us last night. I figured out how they did most of the tricks, but I didn’t say anything, because that would have been rude.

The adrenaline ebbed, and the exultation of a moment years in the ...

2026-09-03T22:37:26Z

The adrenaline ebbed, and the exultation of a moment years in the making passed. Wile E. Coyote looked down at the bloody, mangled corpse of the bird at his feet, and wondered - what now? He looked up, squinting in the desert sun, and saw a vulture circling in the cloudless sky.

“Where do you think you’re going?” “Band practice, I told ...

2026-09-03T13:49:40Z

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

everybody had their dumb ideas, but alex knew there was only one ...

2026-08-31T20:50:00Z

everybody had their dumb ideas, but alex knew there was only one way to catch a gator

Cookie Monster stood at the railing, fighting to catch his ...

2026-08-31T13:31:03Z

Cookie Monster stood at the railing, fighting to catch his breath. That little guy had put up one hell of a fight. He leaned over and looked down. It was easily a hundred foot drop, but he couldn’t shake the paranoia. He had to go down there and make sure Elmo was really dead.

Every now and then you can still spot one of these beautiful ...

2026-08-30T14:20:58Z

Every now and then you can still spot one of these beautiful creatures roaming free in the wild, and not brutally enslaved by humans, being exploited for its scales.

raining cats and dogs sounds infinitely more pleasant than a baby ...

2026-08-30T01:27:19Z

raining cats and dogs sounds infinitely more pleasant than a baby shower

we told grandpa that we were worried about him living alone with ...

2026-08-29T00:37:31Z

we told grandpa that we were worried about him living alone with a bad hip and failing eyesight but he said not to worry because he got himself a dog

"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this." ...

2026-08-28T13:09:33Z

"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this."

1) calm 2) storm 3) pride 4) fall 5) kneel 6) Zod 7) darkest 8) ...

2026-08-23T19:05:07Z

1) calm
2) storm
3) pride
4) fall
5) kneel
6) Zod
7) darkest
8) dawn
9) age
10) beauty
11) pearls
12) swine
13) bros
14) hoes

“Your slipper, sir.” “Where is the other one, Alfred?” ...

2026-08-22T22:02:43Z

“Your slipper, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”

this looks like the beginning of every horror movie where ...

2026-08-22T12:54:43Z

this looks like the beginning of every horror movie where somebody’s car breaks down

him: license and registration please me: hands them over him: ...

2026-08-22T01:32:25Z

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

Includes: Great Danish Wiener Schnitzel German Shepherd's Pie ...

2026-08-21T15:32:39Z

Includes:

Great Danish
Wiener Schnitzel
German Shepherd's Pie
Chow Chowder
Roasted Collieflower
Baked Alaskan Malamute
Ramen Poodles
Cream of Wheaten
Pit Roast
Cockapoo Pu Platter
Baby Ridgeback Ribs
Yorkshire Terrier Pudding
Whippet Cream

*See Bible for terms and conditions (certain restrictions may ...

2026-08-21T13:24:13Z

*See Bible for terms and conditions
(certain restrictions may apply)

genie: what was that commercial jingle? me: which one? genie: you ...

2026-08-20T14:52:30Z

genie: what was that commercial jingle?
me: which one?
genie: you know, the one about hot dogs
me: i wish i were an oscar mayer wiener?
genie: hehehe
me: you bastard

the overwhelming need to reply on every post ...

2026-08-19T19:53:49Z

the overwhelming need to reply on every post

"Are you going to take off those headphones so we can discuss ...

2026-08-18T13:08:13Z

"Are you going to take off those headphones so we can discuss this like mature adults, Harry? Or, are you just going to sit there like a petulant child?”

[heaven] darwin: looking down angel: what’s going on? darwin: ...

2026-08-17T13:34:54Z

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

David Attenborough [whispering]: “The dual-finned Canadian land ...

2026-08-14T15:14:17Z

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“The dual-finned Canadian land shark surfaces briefly, scouting the area for signs of potential prey.”

In a suburban Home Depot parking lot, five men in orange aprons ...

2026-08-11T12:17:49Z

In a suburban Home Depot parking lot, five men in orange aprons stand in a semicircle, staring at the ground. “Alas, is not one among us fit to rule?” decries the eldest. From behind them comes a small, quavering voice. “I would like to try.” They turn as one to find young Arthur of Lawn and Garden.

I can handle the physical and visual changes, as well as the ...

2026-08-09T15:05:13Z

I can handle the physical and visual changes, as well as the aches and pains of middle age. I have made peace with the passing of older generations, and the birth of new ones. However, discovering 40th anniversary editions of the hair metal albums of my youth is just devastating.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see the keys ...

2026-08-07T17:59:50Z

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see the keys sitting right there on the table

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” ...

2026-08-05T12:31:44Z

“Are you okay, ma’am?”
“I think I swallowed my router.”
“Here, take my seat.”

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention ...

2026-08-04T14:24:01Z

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

the moment it says “out for delivery” ...

2026-08-01T13:13:50Z

the moment it says “out for delivery”

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of ...

2026-07-31T16:53:29Z

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Drained, Chester sat down and waited for the police to arrive. ...

2026-07-30T13:00:34Z

Drained, Chester sat down and waited for the police to arrive. Staring at Alan’s still-warm body laying among the empty shells, he felt no remorse. There were two sacred rules. You didn’t touch another man’s wife, or another man’s nuts. His ears perked up as the sound of sirens rose in the distance.

I am my most ninja-like when my wife is still sleeping peacefully ...

2026-07-26T13:40:41Z

I am my most ninja-like when my wife is still sleeping peacefully on weekend mornings, as I try to soundlessly slip out of the bedroom. While, on the rare occasions that I get to sleep in, she manages to leave the room with all the quiet grace of a 1970s Led Zeppelin hotel visit.

whispering into empty McDonald’s bag “Found us a place, ...

2026-07-23T13:18:16Z

*whispering into empty McDonald’s bag*
“Found us a place, buddy.”

someone should probably check on hank ...

2026-07-19T14:36:14Z

someone should probably check on hank

“Everyone say cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” ...

2026-07-18T13:15:01Z

“Everyone say cheese!”
“Cheese!”
“Cheese!”
“Cheese!”
“Cheese!”
“Fuck you, Theresa.”

i went in and asked them what i could get for fifty bucks and ...

2026-07-15T12:58:11Z

i went in and asked them what i could get for fifty bucks and they told me that rosebud was a sled, bruce willis was dead the whole time, and that soylent green is people

“Fuck this, I quit.” “Wait Stan, you can’t just-“ ...

2026-07-14T15:46:40Z

“Fuck this, I quit.”
“Wait Stan, you can’t just-“
“Later, losers!”

YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR! ...

2026-07-14T12:26:28Z

YOU GET NOTHING!
YOU LOSE!
GOOD DAY, SIR!

“Okay Nancy, try it now.” ...

2026-07-13T13:10:57Z

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

“Who’s the new guy?” “We’ll explain later.” ...

2026-07-11T13:20:41Z

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

formerly IS ...

2026-07-10T13:22:28Z

formerly IS

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long ...

2026-07-04T13:23:28Z

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

“It’s still looking at me, isn’t it.” ...

2026-07-01T13:13:03Z

“It’s still looking at me, isn’t it.”

rear Axel ...

2026-06-29T12:37:31Z

rear Axel

"What's the lesson here, guys?" "We don’t ...

2026-06-27T13:10:09Z

"What's the lesson here, guys?"
"We don’t know.”
"C’mon, think about it."
"Don't be assholes?"
"Don’t be assholes. Especially to…”
"To the guy with the thumbs?"
"To the guy with the thumbs."

“How much longer?” “Two and a half years.” “Jesus.” ...

2026-06-26T16:53:18Z

“How much longer?”
“Two and a half years.”
“Jesus.”

me: opens car door wife: where are you going? me: my country ...

2026-06-24T13:30:47Z

me: *opens car door*
wife: where are you going?
me: my country needs me

AISLE 7 - Chips - Cookies - Quackers ...

2026-06-22T18:49:46Z

AISLE 7
- Chips
- Cookies
- Quackers

but day spensive ...

2026-06-20T20:34:39Z

but day spensive

Clawdio opens the spam folder, finds an email labeled “Free ...

2026-06-20T13:46:48Z

Clawdio opens the spam folder, finds an email labeled “Free Treats,” and plays the attached file. A series of electronic screeches emanate from the laptop. Agent P14376Q14X, now activated, awaits further instructions. A satellite phone under the pillow begins to ring.

[driving to the airport] wife: did you lock the door? me: yes ...

2026-06-19T18:25:36Z

[driving to the airport]

wife: did you lock the door?
me: yes
wife: everything is off?
me: yes
wife: the lights, oven, stove...
me: OH MY GOD, YES!
wife: how about the faucets?
me: would you please just relax?

this is why you don’t sleep with a coworker ...

2026-06-19T13:32:31Z

this is why you don’t sleep with a coworker

CUSTOMER: “I still don’t understand.” PRODUCE CLERK: “You ...

2026-06-18T18:59:45Z

CUSTOMER:
“I still don’t understand.”

PRODUCE CLERK:
“You see sir, they are simultaneously grapes, and yet not grapes.”

MANAGER:
“Get back to work, Schrödinger.”

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking ...

2026-06-17T21:44:16Z

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

this checks out ...

2026-06-16T13:01:05Z

this checks out

like i’m really gonna fall for this a third time ...

2026-06-15T13:06:14Z

like i’m really gonna fall for this a third time

the guy at the pet shop warned me not to get him wet ...

2026-06-14T13:44:42Z

the guy at the pet shop warned me not to get him wet

“This fuckin’ guy.” ...

2026-06-13T16:02:36Z

“This fuckin’ guy.”

i’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re ...

2026-06-13T13:13:50Z

i’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re organizing a hedge fund

♫ We’re Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band ♫ ...

2026-06-12T13:20:24Z

♫ We’re Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band ♫

“OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!” ...

2026-06-11T13:25:44Z

“OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

[loud knocking] “OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!” Me: Prove it. ...

2026-06-10T12:58:21Z

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

CAN’T EVEN CALL MYSELF A DOOR I HAVE NO PURPOSE LIFE IS ...

2026-06-09T12:58:53Z

CAN’T EVEN CALL MYSELF A DOOR
I HAVE NO PURPOSE
LIFE IS MEANINGLESS
REALITY IS AN ILLUSION
LEAVE ME TO MY SHAME

Charlie read his book, blissfully unaware that he sat mere inches ...

2026-06-08T17:31:23Z

Charlie read his book, blissfully unaware that he sat mere inches from international super spy, and master of disguise, Bernardo Andolini, a.k.a. “The Chameleon.”

GOD: Alright, I've given them war, disease, storms, insects, ...

2026-06-07T13:13:36Z

GOD: Alright, I've given them war, disease, storms, insects, fires, floods, social and political unrest... What else can I throw at them?

GABRIEL: How about flyenas?

GOD: Flyenas?

GABRIEL: Okay, now hear me out...

"Ah, I see you've met Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers was a ...

2026-06-06T12:55:49Z

"Ah, I see you've met Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers was a bad cat, a very bad cat. YOU'RE not a bad cat, are you Mittens?"

Malcolm realized now that he’d misunderstood what his friend ...

2026-06-04T13:09:44Z

Malcolm realized now that he’d misunderstood what his friend had meant when he told him there’d be a ton of trash at the Kid Rock show.

WIFE: I told you to call a plumber. ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. ...

2026-05-31T13:30:28Z

WIFE: I told you to call a plumber.

ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

Meowie Antoinette ...

2026-05-30T13:20:44Z

Meowie Antoinette

Possibly the most frightening talent of the brown bear is an ...

2026-05-29T13:18:47Z

Possibly the most frightening talent of the brown bear is an uncanny ability to blend seamlessly into the environment in an almost chameleon-like manner, allowing them to easily surprise their unsuspecting prey.