Nostr notes by Chris Hallbeck

Movie podcast in my headphones: “And that was starring James ...

2025-12-07T19:48:23Z

Movie podcast in my headphones: “And that was starring James Caan.”

Me out loud: “Khaaaaan!!!”

My bewildered son: “… w h a t ?”

What’s your score on the apple test? ...

2025-11-25T23:02:31Z

What’s your score on the apple test?

Video games from my childhood have me over prepared for the ...

2025-11-24T19:35:51Z

Video games from my childhood have me over prepared for the amount of barrels full of toxic waste I would encounter in my adult life.

I’m trying to eat better but the bacteria in my guts love ...

2025-11-19T16:46:59Z

I’m trying to eat better but the bacteria in my guts love leftover Halloween candy.

When I go to the grocery store to just buy one item I make sure I ...

2025-11-17T19:48:23Z

When I go to the grocery store to just buy one item I make sure I don’t get a cart or basket so that when I get to the checkout I look like a complete idiot struggling to not drop the twelve other things I picked out.

Me as a child: Climbs trees, somersaults off the couch, rides my ...

2025-11-16T22:07:39Z

Me as a child: Climbs trees, somersaults off the couch, rides my bike over makeshift ramps.

Me now: I injured my shoulder 2 nights ago by sleeping. I was feeling better today but just reinjured it by sneezing.

A pirate learning to use a computer and being frustrated that ...

2025-11-13T02:31:09Z

A pirate learning to use a computer and being frustrated that they keep losing their work whenever they click on an “X” to get the treasure.

My wife made me breakfast in bed! It was delicious but the ...

2025-11-11T04:10:47Z

My wife made me breakfast in bed! It was delicious but the cleanup is a hassle. I wish she would go back to making breakfast in the kitchen.

I heard someone on a podcast talk about “Getting DRESSED for ...

2025-11-09T21:32:14Z

I heard someone on a podcast talk about “Getting DRESSED for work.” and how they “Walked over to the DRESSER.” and I swear I never made the connection before. “Dresser” was always just a unique word that was attached to that object and I never questioned it.

I’m starting a new service that connects people that purchased ...

2025-11-09T15:29:34Z

I’m starting a new service that connects people that purchased a large appliance with children that have no box fort.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax. ...

2025-11-08T22:08:30Z

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax.

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive.

My wife thinks my “I’m a single dad!” shirt is ...

2025-11-08T18:14:41Z

My wife thinks my “I’m a single dad!” shirt is inappropriate but I am factually not two dads.

(At a concert) Oh you like this band? Describe three of their ...

2025-10-05T18:57:59Z

(At a concert)
Oh you like this band? Describe three of their t-shirts.

How many kids in grocery stores only know these characters as ...

2025-06-10T19:20:02Z

How many kids in grocery stores only know these characters as cereal mascots?

Nostr event nevent1qqsp299k0gpjnnnttttrtuq4dks40x9cg9wgspyag5zs28sjgsz6wtczyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xyratw3h

2025-06-07T01:50:56Z

I couldn’t believe the loud sound made by the container of ...

2025-06-01T21:00:25Z

I couldn’t believe the loud sound made by the container of counterfeit tennis equipment falling over. It was a real racket racket racket.

Me: Wow, remember that fun movie I watched hundreds of times as a ...

2025-05-24T02:07:14Z

Me: Wow, remember that fun movie I watched hundreds of times as a kid? I wonder if that director made anything else I know.

Wikipedia: This universally panned movie not only destroyed the careers of the director and cast, it lost so much money the studio went out of business.

Me: I see.

I really wanted to get a job adding up all the best flavors of ...

2025-05-16T19:12:35Z

I really wanted to get a job adding up all the best flavors of ice cream but it turns out there’s no accounting for taste.

Nostr event nevent1qqs2jz9cd9rka7v8devznm9szgrwjm8re85enuzrywpk6u80hk56wcgzyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xyrkpzqk

2025-05-02T16:03:31Z

Sketchbook.

Overheard a conversation where the first person said “We got ...

2025-04-12T01:41:26Z

Overheard a conversation where the first person said “We got our first computer in 1998.” and the second person said “Oh wow! So you were one of the EARLY computer people.” and I shriveled up and died.

Me: I wish I was simultaneously aware of every tiny cut and ...

2025-02-26T01:06:19Z

Me: I wish I was simultaneously aware of every tiny cut and scrape on my hands.

Hand sanitizer: Good news!

Trying to decide which neighbors I dislike more so I know which ...

2025-02-19T15:15:33Z

Trying to decide which neighbors I dislike more so I know which side of the house to hang these wind chimes.

I need to start sleeping with my phone in a locked box so I ...

2025-02-07T00:25:06Z

I need to start sleeping with my phone in a locked box so I actually sleep instead of reading the Wikipedia article on electromagnetism at 2am.

In the future we will all have screens embedded in our chests ...

2025-02-06T15:34:39Z

In the future we will all have screens embedded in our chests that automatically play reaction gifs during real life conversations.

Nostr event nevent1qqsf36gwglmpwszwk9u67ncxs6mf2ctvr8lvmtt8xd5fqs2mnr47jhqzyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xyred786

2025-01-29T02:54:01Z

I don’t have anxiety, I have lots of xieties.

Son: I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes I see the original ...

2025-01-27T22:23:29Z

Son: I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes I see the original Michelin man.

Me: What’s so bad about the *closes eyes* OH NO

Next time you’re going to be away from the internet for an ...

2025-01-23T23:42:34Z

Next time you’re going to be away from the internet for an extended period of time, instead of announcing it, just post something like “Whoa, I wonder what’s in this cave!”

take your kid to work day Son: So, you just sit in a chair? Me: ...

2025-01-20T22:58:22Z

*take your kid to work day*
Son: So, you just sit in a chair?
Me: I'm writing.
Son: And taking a nap?
Me: That's what writing looks like.

Please accept this sample of my breath. I have encased it in this ...

2025-01-19T22:18:29Z

Please accept this sample of my breath. I have encased it in this latex prison that I twisted into the shape of a dog.

To get your adult name, take your childhood first name and ...

2025-01-16T17:53:05Z

To get your adult name, take your childhood first name and replace it with “I’m so” and then change your last name to “tired.”

Hey babe, wanna see my special move? *pushes on the soap ...

2025-01-13T16:18:18Z

Hey babe, wanna see my special move?

*pushes on the soap dispenser too hard so it squirts into the sleeve of my hoodie*

When I was a kid, I saw a sign on a building that said “Adult ...

2025-01-11T22:23:15Z

When I was a kid, I saw a sign on a building that said “Adult Book Store” and legitimately thought it meant “Those boring books with all the words and no pictures.”

We just met And I'm a whale Here's my number Call me ...

2025-01-11T15:33:49Z

We just met
And I'm a whale
Here's my number
Call me Ishmael

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. *slowly pulls zipper out of ...

2025-01-08T18:57:18Z

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

*slowly pulls zipper out of the bowl of soup*

The wizard points his wand at the baby goat and mutters the ...

2025-01-08T17:22:30Z

The wizard points his wand at the baby goat and mutters the incantation "I kid you not!" transforming me back into a human.

Every morning I take my dog outside so she can 3D-print something ...

2025-01-07T20:46:20Z

Every morning I take my dog outside so she can 3D-print something horrible.

Gentle reminder that there are hundreds of “How to wrap ...

2024-12-24T21:31:11Z

Gentle reminder that there are hundreds of “How to wrap presents” tutorials on YouTube.

Feeding time. ...

2024-12-20T00:09:40Z

Feeding time.

I wear my sunglasses at night. Also in the shower. I sleep in ...

2024-12-19T18:29:22Z

I wear my sunglasses at night. Also in the shower. I sleep in them. That’s why they are all broken like this.

Nostr event nevent1qqsxma6fll8dwt5j26sz74wcqr4as7rafr4n9tzc2e7acsk84lvku9szyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xypxnrtx

2024-12-18T22:21:10Z

Antelope because ant in love and parents don’t understand.

Nostr event nevent1qqsq4xr55uudhxv3skfrw4004ysh079e5qhumgmlt66p8wqsfpn9pgqzyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xycggqmg

2024-12-17T18:04:39Z

Outside.

This package of bacon says it's "naturally hardwood ...

2024-12-17T17:03:42Z

This package of bacon says it's "naturally hardwood smoked" as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Secretly though, that first guy was disappointed to see Superman ...

2024-12-16T19:38:31Z

Secretly though, that first guy was disappointed to see Superman up in the sky. He’s been searching for that giant red and blue bird for years.

Doctors without quarters. They can only watch the demo mode of ...

2024-12-16T17:42:09Z

Doctors without quarters. They can only watch the demo mode of the arcade game and sadly move the joystick as they pretend to play.

*I place one end of wrapping paper tube up to my child's ear ...

2024-12-15T23:24:35Z

*I place one end of wrapping paper tube up to my child's ear and whisper into the other end*

Me: Look, I'm whispering but you can still hear me.

*now we reverse positions*

Son: DAD I AM WHISPERING TO YOU!!!

Daryl Hall retired from singing to focus on his farm-animal ...

2024-12-14T23:24:43Z

Daryl Hall retired from singing to focus on his farm-animal delivery service Haulin' Goats.

Saw someone mention that they used the video from their WiFi ...

2024-12-14T22:40:57Z

Saw someone mention that they used the video from their WiFi security cameras to prove it was the neighbor kid that broke their window and started making a mental list of all the things I would have gotten in trouble for if they were ubiquitous when I was a kid.

Nostr event nevent1qqsqe5empt8vm5sve6l7caj5clfllg5kfvg9mzqsw3vjjz3rvy2udqqzyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xy742acn

2024-12-14T01:00:36Z

Hurry!

Sometimes I get a business proposal email that sounds vaguely ...

2024-12-13T23:18:41Z

Sometimes I get a business proposal email that sounds vaguely interesting until I get to the “Let’s schedule a call.” part and I instantly delete it.

Look, I’m all for progress but seedless watermelons really ...

2024-12-11T20:12:47Z

Look, I’m all for progress but seedless watermelons really ruins the whole “You swallowed a seed? Oh no! You’re gonna have a watermelon grow in your belly!” thing that older siblings loved so much.

The worst part about being a werewolf is when you forget it’s ...

2024-12-10T15:45:43Z

The worst part about being a werewolf is when you forget it’s transformation night and wear your favorite shirt.

When I’m at home I like to drink orange juice out of a tiny ...

2024-12-10T15:42:12Z

When I’m at home I like to drink orange juice out of a tiny glass to pretend I’m at a restaurant.

If these walls could talk, I’d have a really great excuse for ...

2024-12-10T08:40:54Z

If these walls could talk, I’d have a really great excuse for my insomnia.

Hey, just got your email. The meetup sounds great but I don’t ...

2024-12-09T22:13:24Z

Hey, just got your email. The meetup sounds great but I don’t actually want anyone to be rubbing my elbows so I’m gonna say no, thanks.

Good job! ...

2024-12-09T20:11:47Z

Good job!

Used to have a full time job as a pert but I quit, so now I’m ...

2024-12-09T19:30:18Z

Used to have a full time job as a pert but I quit, so now I’m an expert.

Okay, I’m finally falling asleep. Brain: How many seasons did ...

2024-12-08T22:56:11Z

Okay, I’m finally falling asleep.

Brain: How many seasons did Gilligan’s Island run?

Seriously?

Brain: Just read the whole wiki article.

Trying to figure out what kind of bug I’m looking at on the ...

2024-12-07T22:24:49Z

Trying to figure out what kind of bug I’m looking at on the wall across the room, I squinted my eyes to zoom… like I forgot I’m not a cyborg?

I’m now entering that confusing time of year where I’m not ...

2024-12-06T17:00:08Z

I’m now entering that confusing time of year where I’m not sure if I really needed to eat more food or if I was just cold.

My Pavlovian response is that I think about dogs whenever I hear ...

2024-12-05T21:28:15Z

My Pavlovian response is that I think about dogs whenever I hear the name “Pavlov”.

Life hack: If someone offers you some Doritos, sneeze into the ...

2024-12-04T21:53:30Z

Life hack: If someone offers you some Doritos, sneeze into the bag and they’ll just let you have them all.

"I wonder how sharp that is." - Me, right before wishing ...

2024-12-04T20:30:26Z

"I wonder how sharp that is." - Me, right before wishing life had an “undo” button.

Whoops, late the entire bag of chips in one sitting: An ...

2024-12-04T18:31:49Z

Whoops, late the entire bag of chips in one sitting: An autobiography.

Doctor, doctor Gimme your shoes I’ve got a Bad case of loving ...

2024-12-01T17:30:36Z

Doctor, doctor
Gimme your shoes
I’ve got a
Bad case of loving shoes

I’m having trouble remembering what day it is because I’ve ...

2024-12-01T17:11:38Z

I’m having trouble remembering what day it is because I’ve seen the words “Cyber Monday” thousands of times now.

My dad was an electrician so I was initially very excited and ...

2024-11-29T18:49:47Z

My dad was an electrician so I was initially very excited and then immediately disappointed when he explained that he worked with transformers.

That’s me in the corner That’s me in the spot light Doing ...

2024-11-29T18:15:23Z

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Doing long division

Black Friday deals!!! ...

2024-11-29T17:54:08Z

Black Friday deals!!!

The correct amount of whipped cream covers all visible sides of ...

2024-11-28T22:58:29Z

The correct amount of whipped cream covers all visible sides of the pumpkin pie slice.

Cut my pie into pieces This is my last dessert Slice of pecan, ...

2024-11-28T17:26:24Z

Cut my pie into pieces
This is my last dessert
Slice of pecan, and pumpkin
Big glass of milk
For the cookie dunkin’

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé? Me: ...

2024-11-27T18:28:26Z

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé?

Me: It’s a store that sells pants.

Lunch break. ...

2024-11-26T22:59:02Z

Lunch break.

My son always asks the important questions - “Does the Flash ...

2024-11-26T20:24:29Z

My son always asks the important questions - “Does the Flash also poop really fast?”

Deciding where to put the activation pad for the flame thrower ...

2024-11-26T17:45:26Z

Deciding where to put the activation pad for the flame thrower attachment on my car has become a real hot button issue.

@nprofile…32ul 😉

2024-11-26T03:32:21Z

In reply to nevent1q…rklm
_________________________

nprofile1qy2hwumn8ghj7un9d3shjtnddaehgu3wwp6kyqpqsal6tacae5f7z6v7g494umsdptpysxay4s9ct08nyaktn6pxg5ws8732ul (nprofile…32ul) 😉

First time. ...

2024-11-26T00:51:06Z

First time.

I want to rock and roll all night* And party every day** *go to ...

2024-11-26T00:44:21Z

I want to rock and roll all night*
And party every day**

*go to sleep at a sensible hour
**maybe also sleep in a bit

Nostr event nevent1qqsgz967y6yhrkllzpk48l96sl0y983quxjn3nrj33n75ht7mzklh2czyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xyvmpscq

2024-11-24T20:29:25Z

Ordered.

Jewelers have a service where after you buy something from them, ...

2024-11-24T19:25:16Z

Jewelers have a service where after you buy something from them, the next time you stop by just to browse, they’ll take your previous purchase and pop it into the ultrasonic cleaner and make it all shiny and new. Apple needs a version of this for AirPods.

[getting a tour of Hell on my first day] Satan: And this is where ...

2024-11-23T23:59:27Z

[getting a tour of Hell on my first day]

Satan: And this is where we keep the people that put police sirens into popular music you’d hear on your car radio.

Me: Nice.

Scientist: No visible light was captured so we decided on what ...

2024-11-23T18:38:00Z

Scientist: No visible light was captured so we decided on what colors to represent the spectrum of the image.

Me: Got it.

Scientist: [shows photo]

Me: Oh wow, black holes are orange!

record scratch Yeah, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how ...

2024-11-23T18:23:44Z

*record scratch*

Yeah, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I got in this situation.

(22 minute film about how vinyl records are made.)

Nostr event nevent1qqswe8qtlks9qh6vcgk7t62v4xrpjvjy47v5rs5nmhn03dktdmwpffczyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xy6ah9yu

2024-11-23T18:11:59Z

Forgot.

Noise canceling headphones. Fear canceling goggles. Emotion ...

2024-11-23T01:53:26Z

Noise canceling headphones.
Fear canceling goggles.
Emotion canceling ice cream.

Nostr event nevent1qqswm0rr8j7fnfqqnss5htj0r0pqv4rryra6qxlh9k5nsam7crrsh4szyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xyp9dqh3

2024-11-22T19:23:42Z

Cry “Fieri!”, and let slip the hot dogs of war.

Nostr event nevent1qqszuaucvn8mxg25240989gyq5kwwetr8m3x4m6rxt5v0r9xs2hcnjgzyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xy4u358l

2024-11-21T23:43:22Z

Idiot.

Nostr event nevent1qqsful478lj40p83qe756qsv76an90fjvjspvaa95dt7963slzg252szyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xykyj00n

2024-11-21T23:40:12Z

What idiot called it a recliner and not a way back machine?

Nostr event nevent1qqs03u2l6ydsu2jtwazg9g6rq0xylv9dnuy32p88srqecg2z38lsscszyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xymt2a47

2024-11-21T18:39:00Z

Mornings.

What idiot called it a McDonald’s fish sandwich and not a ...

2024-11-20T19:19:42Z

What idiot called it a McDonald’s fish sandwich and not a quarter flounder.

A disadvantage to being a cartoonist is the high water bill from ...

2024-11-20T02:26:53Z

A disadvantage to being a cartoonist is the high water bill from all the extra showers we have to take in order to write jokes.

When I was a kid I thought it was "graded" parmesan ...

2024-11-19T17:37:31Z

When I was a kid I thought it was "graded" parmesan cheese. Like it had to pass a test before being picked for human consumption.

Nostr event nevent1qqs0a8f2s4d7sykl6h74r2vm3azneg6w3q975t90err8gaph6gkxk6czyq9865q77n42zemsgl0ganeu7j0t3nnc9h9rcc7zmae4a6r8fq6xym03rrv

2024-11-18T18:56:18Z

Memes

Got a job at a bakery where I cut the front and back off of each ...

2024-11-18T18:44:36Z

Got a job at a bakery where I cut the front and back off of each loaf of bread and stick those two slices into a separate bag. It doesn’t pay much but it’s a good way to make ends meet.

My son, looking through my wife’s childhood toys, finds a ...

2024-11-18T17:27:23Z

My son, looking through my wife’s childhood toys, finds a Barbie gym bag that unfolds into a dress. “It’s like Iron Man’s suitcase armor!”

How am I a rebel? Well, I eat PEZ candy straight out of the ...

2024-11-16T22:43:47Z

How am I a rebel? Well, I eat PEZ candy straight out of the wrapper. That plastic dispenser just slows me down.

Hey now You’re the Dog Star Canis Major So bright Hey now I can ...

2024-11-16T18:00:16Z

Hey now
You’re the Dog Star
Canis Major
So bright

Hey now
I can see you
When I look up
At night

Ice cream wishes. ...

2024-11-16T16:46:53Z

Ice cream wishes.

I tried to show my dog how many followers I have and it’s like ...

2024-11-16T16:28:51Z

I tried to show my dog how many followers I have and it’s like she doesn’t even care.

Peering through the mist, Kermit was extremely exited to taste ...

2024-11-16T00:21:08Z

Peering through the mist, Kermit was extremely exited to taste the milky holiday drink. That frog was agog with eggnog in the fog.

The day’s activities. ...

2024-11-15T22:21:03Z

The day’s activities.