Nostr notes by Staff Chief of Joints

Guess who found all their old Star Wars toys. ...

2026-10-27T21:37:07Z

Guess who found all their old Star Wars toys.

Nostr event nevent1qqsqjy328gzev4rez2c6dqm7rq5yg2yyzxurxmzevw8t4xqret3k0rczyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5kd8vmy

2026-10-25T15:11:59Z

You know what I need? A flask that looks like binoculars.

Nostr event nevent1qqs2sw7kaepkywdfad5qgaq2m775fwhj5jk927qgcu68hr4ujde50fszyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5j9k2y7

2026-10-24T11:13:41Z

Fuck, I could really go for some blintzes now.

Nostr event nevent1qqsql774hnz46wp9874g96va3vpzeegsyzp586cmlrun4w5hj6zdwuszyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5m32vsd

2026-10-19T20:42:42Z

We should probably just burn this internet and start over.

Sorry I'm late. It was my turn to be White House press ...

2026-10-19T15:15:05Z

Sorry I'm late. It was my turn to be White House press secretary this morning.

Nostr event nevent1qqsq5vrwyumf7qankjuacyljckhh5rs8h950aqm0n5uj6d8kpzt8znczyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5qjg9z7

2026-10-17T22:56:26Z

Pow!

Nostr event nevent1qqsph34cx7za9w9x5sf7u2ay6uvu9nkk6wrch42q7npzdcz37tksq7gzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5j73apf

2026-10-14T23:10:53Z

Venmo, but for sending each other burritos.

Nostr event nevent1qqs05lwwtfv2v75w8up4256pcrcq4p7gtqjvzlvxf7tjftyc9qrzqtgzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5qx87he

2026-10-14T01:19:56Z

Can't talk. The lava lamp is getting to the good part.

Pulling random cables out of the back of the server rack just to ...

2026-10-12T19:52:48Z

Pulling random cables out of the back of the server rack just to feel something.

My favorite part is that guy gave her lyrics he wrote and asked ...

2026-10-10T11:17:44Z

In reply to nevent1q…nr52
_________________________

My favorite part is that guy gave her lyrics he wrote and asked her to give them to Kid Rock.

The crude jokes will continue until...well, they're just ...

2026-10-09T16:33:57Z

The crude jokes will continue until...well, they're just going to continue.

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117402450518045603 SWEET ...

2026-10-08T00:31:17Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117402450518045603

SWEET CRAB WALKING JESUS! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117400641771144221 WE FOUND ...

2026-10-07T17:38:34Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117400641771144221

WE FOUND THE BEEF!

OUR AUTOMATED SYSTEM DETECTED IRREGULAR ACTIVITY WITH YOUR PANTS. ...

2026-10-02T17:18:32Z

OUR AUTOMATED SYSTEM DETECTED IRREGULAR ACTIVITY WITH YOUR PANTS. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PANTS AND TRY AGAIN.

Set the Wayback Machine to 1993. ...

2026-09-26T12:45:27Z

Set the Wayback Machine to 1993.

13-factor authentication: The eighth factor will appear in a ...

2026-09-25T16:57:57Z

13-factor authentication: The eighth factor will appear in a water stain on your ceiling after a thunderstorm later tonight.

The internet is amazing. I can't believe they do all that ...

2026-09-25T01:52:17Z

The internet is amazing. I can't believe they do all that with pneumatic tubes.

:geordi_no: Parasocial relationship :geordi_ye: Paranormal ...

2026-09-24T13:56:51Z

:geordi_no: Parasocial relationship

:geordi_ye: Paranormal relationship

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117321251555454261 ...

2026-09-23T16:21:04Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117321251555454261

Mastodon: where anything below 96% cats is considered critically low.

Nostr event nevent1qqszjrlzzwcc5ut06r8cx3uhg4h5g7d9tggkukvwj2faptlkjrcqddqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz553dg0y

2026-09-22T20:29:27Z

I brake for potatoes.

Nostr event nevent1qqsztuuasmy92jv8g7d32wdep407nt3pfen4vppwn2s6zqmy4pwjjnczyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5awdckp

2026-09-22T01:39:26Z

How much should you tip a proctologist?

I regularly unsubscribe from an amazing amount of stuff I never ...

2026-09-21T21:47:59Z

I regularly unsubscribe from an amazing amount of stuff I never subscribed to in the first place.

Welcome to AI court. You've been assigned an AI defender. ...

2026-09-16T01:03:39Z

Welcome to AI court. You've been assigned an AI defender. Please rise for the AI judge.

AI could cure cancer. Or it could kill us all. But we'll ...

2026-09-12T11:12:37Z

AI could cure cancer. Or it could kill us all. But we'll never find out unless we try.

I'm ordering the release of 500 shitposts from Mastodon's ...

2026-09-10T22:50:17Z

I'm ordering the release of 500 shitposts from Mastodon's strategic bullshit reserves.

I wish Ron Popeil had made a smart phone. One that grates cheese ...

2026-09-10T14:34:13Z

I wish Ron Popeil had made a smart phone. One that grates cheese and makes beef jerky.

I had a dream I had a foldable phone and when I woke up I had ...

2026-09-09T22:34:49Z

I had a dream I had a foldable phone and when I woke up I had bent my dick in half.

There's a certain segment of the population that will punch ...

2026-09-08T22:10:41Z

There's a certain segment of the population that will punch themselves in the dick from here to eternity instead of ever admitting they're wrong.

Me: Ugh. What did I eat last night? Narrator: Everything. He ate ...

2026-09-07T12:21:37Z

Me: Ugh. What did I eat last night?

Narrator: Everything. He ate everything.

I have, yet again, exceeded what is generally considered a safe ...

2026-09-07T12:17:07Z

I have, yet again, exceeded what is generally considered a safe amount of food to put in a tortilla.

Nostr event nevent1qqswzvukrpz3mc6hna2scpvwlmen6dw4nr4ecmjzz7gt7yamk85rukgzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5v85wn7

2026-09-02T20:53:44Z

My AI toothbrush broke containment and cleaned the bidet.

Nostr event nevent1qqsy3wttmcvrt8ngecms445x9khy00c7tt8wppjr02vk7mk44486dmqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5s0d65z

2026-09-01T17:25:30Z

The plural of silly goose is:

Made a new friend this weekend. ...

2026-08-31T00:35:09Z

Made a new friend this weekend.

Nostr event nevent1qqs9vsyppw59ycqae9l632g7a7ry74zl07fdphe3vmllmn7583rmnnqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz58073wc

2026-08-31T00:21:20Z

I'm currently out of the office. In my absence, please cast ...

2026-08-27T19:53:57Z

I'm currently out of the office. In my absence, please cast your email into the nearest active volcano.

Nostr event nevent1qqswvm9ecrtq5tmd6fkc2jasparvrjn8u75wkjgw9c6kstt4w3key5czyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5ahaj8u

2026-08-26T21:48:02Z

Picking your nose on a stoop used to be a legitimate pastime.

They should have Jimothy throw out the first pitch at a Mariners ...

2026-08-21T01:14:23Z

They should have Jimothy throw out the first pitch at a Mariners game.

Nostr event nevent1qqsv8e64ed9pf6mhc77lpz9t9gg2760znv0jktrycxt70easql53hmszyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5haq30e

2026-08-20T11:01:01Z

Not now, sweetie. Daddy's researching a shitpost.

Put it on my Meatball.

2026-08-16T21:38:22Z

In reply to nevent1q…xash
_________________________

Put it on my Meatball.

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117071048594249058 ...

2026-08-10T11:49:42Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/117071048594249058

We've reached peak burrito.

quoting
note1kxc…j7t4

burrito levels are 100% and falling

(100%) ■■■■■■■■■■

Good morning from my 10 foot sunflower. ...

2026-08-09T11:53:30Z

Good morning from my 10 foot sunflower.

Forget touching grass. I need to lie in a bed of moss until it ...

2026-08-05T00:39:34Z

Forget touching grass. I need to lie in a bed of moss until it slowly covers me and the forest makes me its own.

The average baseball fan eats 8 hot dogs in their sleep every ...

2026-08-04T23:31:11Z

The average baseball fan eats 8 hot dogs in their sleep every year.

I cut up some jalapeños about an hour ago and several of my ...

2026-08-04T00:26:18Z

I cut up some jalapeños about an hour ago and several of my finger tips are still on fire.

It worked! I grew corn! Woo! ...

2026-08-02T21:53:57Z

In reply to nevent1q…hpaa
_________________________

It worked! I grew corn! Woo!

Garden to grill. ...

2026-08-02T20:32:32Z

Garden to grill.

Nostr event nevent1qqspatdgh7sdh4jn8zejzwjm004jjl7yrd4cffaw903nafxtvrequrqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5vgpfky

2026-07-29T00:34:35Z

Everyday I eat a stick of butter to lubricate my innards.

Not now, sweetie. Daddy's busy handing out dopamine to ...

2026-07-28T01:40:50Z

Not now, sweetie. Daddy's busy handing out dopamine to strangers on the internet.

I think I got the wrong version of Pacific Rim because this is ...

2026-07-27T18:41:29Z

I think I got the wrong version of Pacific Rim because this is just a compilation of people eating ass in Long Beach.

RE: https://beige.party/@the_etrain/116975773753280322 Here, ...

2026-07-24T15:58:36Z

RE: https://beige.party/@the_etrain/116975773753280322

Here, I'll start a spreadsheet.

quoting
note1mtv…xv0y

Why stop at testing soldiers' testosterone levels? Let's measure their dicks too.

Why stop at testing soldiers' testosterone levels? Let's ...

2026-07-24T15:57:37Z

Why stop at testing soldiers' testosterone levels? Let's measure their dicks too.

Nostr event nevent1qqs039zsz4eyjum6ztmeafyz5azyqvdaavk6mgupxahsts4schttaaczyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5mdfe0c

2026-07-20T20:32:07Z

I have now seen the round little raccoon, and I cannot look away.

Nostr event nevent1qqsp9cn6ydfhm4pvm7p9lsd29rw2qdf38r8mn4m04dq3kpthmapg58czyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5prh3a3

2026-07-20T16:57:15Z

License to Illiad

Nostr event nevent1qqsfspht4z6uf433aurmuy6qvvpr57rrnklgfkqh5qsjn6rrna6l2tqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz54433gf

2026-07-20T16:40:25Z

Odysseus and his men rolling up in a Honda minivan.

Cicadas spend a majority of their lives underground. They emerge. ...

2026-07-19T13:00:36Z

Cicadas spend a majority of their lives underground. They emerge. They make a big ruckus. They fuck. They die. What an admirable species.

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116940461059075324 ...

2026-07-18T10:19:33Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116940461059075324

We'll never fill the reflecting pool with numbers like this.
nostr:note1zz7pekjn8k5r86uj5zjtzh24jnfynukpw4gk5tftv787vmkaw6sqxuklm2

Nostr event nevent1qqstjtvyd3ys5njyglg9ag0c9r76m45cl640f6lx8asvz2td3t7d7hszyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5q0m9pr

2026-07-17T23:52:46Z

Could we all just have diarrhea on the wildfires?

Call me crazy, but if my neighbor's house was on fire, I ...

2026-07-17T19:55:37Z

Call me crazy, but if my neighbor's house was on fire, I wouldn't complain about the smoke. I'd try to help them.

Nostr event nevent1qqsyw8pqt29s56hfz5slxwc433xuy6qy7ezd8nsx6wmlxsju4z3rw2czyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5apn6cj

2026-07-16T19:20:16Z

Hear me out. Fill the reflecting pool with pudding.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person that isn't a ...

2026-07-16T18:58:19Z

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person that isn't a degenerate gambler. Degenerate in many other ways, sure. Just not gambling.

Last thing I remember is out pizza'ing the hut. Then I woke ...

2026-07-14T20:35:13Z

Last thing I remember is out pizza'ing the hut. Then I woke up in this ditch.

Hello, world. ...

2026-07-12T11:36:16Z

Hello, world.

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116896145752638299 Get in ...

2026-07-10T14:38:50Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116896145752638299

Get in losers. We're going to Arby's.
nostr:note16pujkng70nsnvw0c6ylp9j37v35pdtmy2h6qspcdtf9lpc6ay75stsxm7e

If I were a beekeeper, I'd always wear the suit so people ...

2026-07-08T23:54:30Z

If I were a beekeeper, I'd always wear the suit so people know. Walk into the bar, put the headgear on the bar beside me. Bartender'd be "what'll it beeee, Chief?", and I'd be like "stfu, Larry, I'm sick of that joke".

ERROR Password must have 104 non-repeating characters.

2026-07-08T17:31:27Z

*ERROR*

Password must have 104 non-repeating characters.

Remember, before you post, ask yourself, does anyone really need ...

2026-07-07T01:10:34Z

Remember, before you post, ask yourself, does anyone really need to know this? Then post it anyway.

Nice soccer tournament you got there. Be a damn shame if someone ...

2026-07-06T18:24:16Z

Nice soccer tournament you got there. Be a damn shame if someone interfered with officiating, thereby drawing attention back to how goddamn corrupt the governing body is.

Nostr event nevent1qqsyuld7gg6cmew2hcjuu4wtz5fqnq3cyquzspruc4eese43j70hsjqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5vqdu4m

2026-07-05T22:19:59Z

Here's some guitar noodles because I lack the energy to do a ...

2026-07-02T21:07:36Z

Here's some guitar noodles because I lack the energy to do a video where I build the loop. Enjoy my sloppy noodles.

https://youtu.be/Jc4sBs4Heg0

Shooting those whistling bottle rockets out of my butthole is ...

2026-07-02T02:07:58Z

Shooting those whistling bottle rockets out of my butthole is protected speech and I will take this to the Supreme Court.

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116846836683512900 This ...

2026-07-01T21:28:49Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116846836683512900

This measurement was obviously taken in the southern hemisphere.
nostr:note1vr78265s6v9k8rnhjj72eh2c7kgfz4gegnwp9s5ua6jdyzpyvapqg7kaye

Nostr event nevent1qqsflarsf0tgjyff52r8ksf2t8zswuztxvmqjqljw6msecggad0ayqgzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5ukwpq2

2026-07-01T17:34:38Z

Daylily

Oops, I did it* again. *looked at the news

2026-06-28T11:14:47Z

Oops, I did it* again.

*looked at the news

Nostr event nevent1qqsdz6knnmmlmldys03247g5zpv6xqak56hjc45k2xzrqn6d4yefglqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5tq3ms4

2026-06-27T19:24:28Z

With every decision, I ask, does this increase gooseholder value?

Nostr event nevent1qqstksl09qhz6eymsfdcv084wx0m7z2gn846hpyp3pqfghhvpyp42hszyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5eteuva

2026-06-27T12:27:11Z

Surely two pots of coffee will help with my anxiety.

I will be out of the office and I have cast my email into a lake ...

2026-06-25T14:48:52Z

I will be out of the office and I have cast my email into a lake of fire. If your matter needs immediate attention, please contact the lake of fire.

RE: https://retro.pizza/@ratvet/116799362296921857 Is this the ...

2026-06-23T12:20:07Z

RE: https://retro.pizza/@ratvet/116799362296921857

Is this the post-nut clarity I keep hearing about?

quoting
note1tw6…j0jc

It has what men crave!

Nostr event nevent1qqspwyemcl6dk7ghar8r0csh3u49pkp7mykv9hf2eedz4ccl2qu9ksqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5cm3dt7

2026-06-23T00:02:38Z

Welcome to America! Yes, it's always this ridiculous.

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116793870084630081 Oh, ...

2026-06-22T12:58:51Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116793870084630081

Oh, that's just great. Good job everyone. Really, just fantastic.

quoting
note1ulr…y9lz

sarcasm levels are 40% and rising

(40%) ■■■■□□□□□□

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116773344163841711 QUICK! ...

2026-06-18T22:08:02Z

RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116773344163841711

QUICK! EVERBODY LOWER YOUR PANTS!

quoting
note1ddf…6m9v

reaching dangerous pants levels

(100%) ■■■■■■■■■■

Nostr event nevent1qqs9mfxm6slvx895s306nd3um96nwcc783dy7r9d4at24jh3ymmx8fqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz52ngplg

2026-06-12T14:42:23Z

Mott the Hoople. Mott is a:

long drag on cigarette Kid, nobody motts the hoople on their ...

2026-06-12T14:39:40Z

*long drag on cigarette* Kid, nobody motts the hoople on their first try.

Nostr event nevent1qqsqhu79rgkp3dxrj377y0df93ry7gtk4vcmvzmnv5k2ex9xr6nu3wqzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5zp73xm

2026-06-12T13:08:07Z

Angry at the world and in need of a quiet place to poop.

If the Canadian soccer team was smart, they'd have at least 3 ...

2026-06-11T22:13:56Z

If the Canadian soccer team was smart, they'd have at least 3 geese on the field at all times.

Asking random people on the train, "Did you bring the ...

2026-06-07T21:51:52Z

Asking random people on the train, "Did you bring the package?"

Can't find the filter setting that only let's good posts ...

2026-06-07T18:28:29Z

Can't find the filter setting that only let's good posts come through.

Being pecked to death by crows, but it's a monthly ...

2026-06-06T23:50:25Z

Being pecked to death by crows, but it's a monthly subscription.

Hear me out. Instead of a base on the moon, affordable housing on ...

2026-05-27T18:57:08Z

Hear me out. Instead of a base on the moon, affordable housing on Earth.

I just found out flavorless toothpaste is a thing and now ...

2026-05-24T13:19:54Z

I just found out flavorless toothpaste is a thing and now I'll be able to realize my dream of enjoying orange juice with a clean mouth.

I'll fav and boost 2 seconds after it's posted. Idgaf. ...

2026-05-20T20:49:10Z

I'll fav and boost 2 seconds after it's posted. Idgaf. Let me in there when it's fresh.

I'd like my head preserved in a freezer now. Not because I ...

2026-05-19T01:05:25Z

I'd like my head preserved in a freezer now. Not because I want to see the future. Because it's so hot out.

Brutal 😂

2026-05-15T18:48:17Z

In reply to nevent1q…83xc
_________________________

Brutal 😂

Nostr event nevent1qqsgwdjr94vxkhqmgm86j9aapncs5h385kqknepal488juxalcusk5gzyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz57slweh

2026-05-15T18:45:14Z

ATTENTION KMART SHOPPERS!

It's a common misconception that Mastodon is just for nerds. ...

2026-05-13T16:30:18Z

It's a common misconception that Mastodon is just for nerds. It's also suitable for dweebs and the mildly horny.

A factoid is a fact that hasn't entered Earth's ...

2026-05-11T23:18:35Z

A factoid is a fact that hasn't entered Earth's atmosphere yet.

I heard the FDA is going to start recommending eating 3 silica ...

2026-05-08T00:40:13Z

I heard the FDA is going to start recommending eating 3 silica gel packets a day.

I just got into the upper class by lying about the value of my ...

2026-05-03T20:28:53Z

I just got into the upper class by lying about the value of my Garbage Pail Kids collection and borrowing against it as collateral.

There should be a Twilight Zone or something where a customer ...

2026-05-01T00:04:18Z

There should be a Twilight Zone or something where a customer comes in for bottomless shrimp but they don't read the fine print and they end up contractually obligated to consume shrimp for all of eternity.

long drag on cigarette I remember a time when the shrimp were ...

2026-04-30T23:54:17Z

*long drag on cigarette* I remember a time when the shrimp were endless. Nobody believes me.

Nostr event nevent1qqsdvqf8ud7zuk63n24uk8w0lffzckvtjqlkka63pyqwrrsmmrkl3gszyzfh9q9pjx97aklsque3gev790gvfw3gttqtq05v2v86wuecwepz5ufezd4

2026-04-16T23:29:50Z

More drugs, please.