Nostr notes by batkaren

As we head into Halloween, a request to shift to using the words ...

2026-10-30T00:52:56Z

As we head into Halloween, a request to shift to using the words scary, eerie, creepy, haunted…just something other than the one with racist connotations, please.

https://harbinger.media/4123/harper-voices/haunting-words-why-spook-has-no-place-in-our-vocabulary/

So, 70% of Musk’s net worth comes from SpaceX gov’t ...

2026-10-29T01:00:30Z

So, 70% of Musk’s net worth comes from SpaceX gov’t contracts, which he then uses to fund Republican election campaigns? What a nifty how-to guide for “converting” tax dollars into PAC money! As bold as buying Twitter using Saudi backing to manipulate elections with foreign cash. This ouroboros sucks!

People ask what it takes to keep a 1000-year-old witch like me ...

2026-10-24T04:02:33Z

People ask what it takes to keep a 1000-year-old witch like me alive, then look shocked when I tell them I need 1 human baby sacrifice every moon cycle.

But when you amortize the baby over a month, it’s barely anything. What’s a baby weigh…8 lb.s? That’s like a 1/4 lb. a day—that’s hardly any baby!

If you can’t afford a pumpkin this Halloween, just know it’s ...

2026-10-23T23:41:23Z

If you can’t afford a pumpkin this Halloween, just know it’s because of this single house’s insatiable gourd demand driving up prices.

fuckin brutal ...

2026-10-22T01:39:17Z

fuckin brutal

A woman goes to a therapist. “Doctor,” she weeps, “I suck ...

2026-10-17T04:15:01Z

A woman goes to a therapist. “Doctor,” she weeps, “I suck at public speaking!”

“I’m a clinical social worker, not a doctor,” the therapist says. “And just go watch that footage of Katie Zacharia BOMBING—you’ll feel so much better about yourself haha.”

The woman burst into tears. “But Doctor…!”

Nostr event nevent1qqs2pr6u9ghtq6f6d3ryecxgy3x9uwrwlmnw77zd6mr3cfxtfhd0g6qzyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkz4jjznd

2026-10-16T17:18:23Z

ready for The Thing to infect me

Goddammit, just realized the reason we need to identify stop ...

2026-10-15T14:59:24Z

Goddammit, just realized the reason we need to identify stop signs and school buses and crosswalks to confirm we’re not robots is to train the AI in driverless cars.

They’re cheating off our Turing test answers.

Eek! There’s a bat in my apartment! ...

2026-10-14T01:23:45Z

Eek! There’s a bat in my apartment!

You’ve been warned, parents. ...

2026-10-09T11:35:33Z

You’ve been warned, parents.

This probably isn’t the one, The New Yorker. ...

2026-10-05T23:05:56Z

This probably isn’t the one, The New Yorker.

“You have to fight for your right to party?” No thank you, ...

2026-10-02T13:03:41Z

“You have to fight for your right to party?”

No thank you, young beasty men, I wish only to dwell above the ceiling boards in an attic bedroom with many books and a magical cat.

Today’s gonna be the day, The New Yorker! ...

2026-10-01T04:00:35Z

Today’s gonna be the day, The New Yorker!

Who me? I’m just a cutie wootie. ...

2026-09-25T02:47:39Z

Who me? I’m just a cutie wootie.

“OH, YEAH?” I scream at a current calendar. “IF I’M AS ...

2026-08-30T04:42:55Z

“OH, YEAH?” I scream at a current calendar. “IF I’M AS OLD AS YOU SAY I AM, HOW COME I’M SO FUCKING IMMATURE, HMMMM?”

Nostr event nevent1qqsxxzyjpzu6fd5uztge2gju7jqyf78c8c3ff8wksdc742qdgxxvm4gzyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkz8klj6u

2026-08-29T17:11:18Z

Silo

I stare up at Gordon Ramsay as he tastes my creation. His ...

2026-08-28T22:51:59Z

I stare up at Gordon Ramsay as he tastes my creation.

His reaction is inscrutable. “What did you make this with?” he asks.

“Spite?” I say hopefully.

He pauses a beat, then nods. “Yeah, you can really taste it.”

Everything is being recalled now except the memories of history ...

2026-08-28T03:28:02Z

Everything is being recalled now except the memories of history necessary to ensure we don’t repeat our mistakes.

Happy National Dog Day ...

2026-08-26T22:52:24Z

Happy National Dog Day

Oh me? Just refreshing the air quality index site every minute ...

2026-07-16T22:09:20Z

Oh me? Just refreshing the air quality index site every minute for a time with slightly less sky poison so I can take my dog outside to shit without it being too “killy.”

I know I say it a lot, but this is the one, The New Yorker! ...

2026-07-13T17:29:39Z

I know I say it a lot, but this is the one, The New Yorker!

We all have that one friend who vanishes into the mist…only to ...

2026-05-25T03:56:50Z

We all have that one friend who vanishes into the mist…only to return with a bone saw and a vat of acid, insisting you have to help “break down the body,” otherwise you can be charged with accessory.

Right? We all have that one friend? It—it’s not just me…right?

A handy tool for determining the appropriate grammar tense to ...

2026-05-19T17:04:05Z

A handy tool for determining the appropriate grammar tense to apply:

SUBJUNCTIVE: when a word is nestled just beneath the genitals

INDICATIVE: when a word is positioned inside the genitals

“All those moments will be lost in time, like cum in rain…” ...

2026-05-06T17:55:26Z

“All those moments will be lost in time, like cum in rain…”

Spirit Airlines crossing the rainbow bridge, but it has to taxi ...

2026-05-02T18:49:44Z

Spirit Airlines crossing the rainbow bridge, but it has to taxi the whole way

My torso breaks open to reveal a Lovecraftian geode so horrific, ...

2026-04-24T23:27:58Z

My torso breaks open to reveal a Lovecraftian geode so horrific, all who gaze upon my crystalline innards vomit black ichor and descend into madness.

In all seriousness, I really hope our mad king doesn’t kill 93 ...

2026-04-07T17:02:07Z

In all seriousness, I really hope our mad king doesn’t kill 93 million people today.

Sure, the medication included horrifying side effects with ...

2026-03-25T01:31:46Z

Sure, the medication included horrifying side effects with unimaginable consequences, and of course there are far less deleterious treatments we can now explore, but the important thing is the insurance company is happy knowing this one didn’t work first.

I went to a Sephora and ordered a Honda Accord. They were ...

2026-03-21T21:32:04Z

I went to a Sephora and ordered a Honda Accord. They were stunned, mouths agog. It took them hours to recover and finally reply they don’t have Honda Accords. So I gave them a super smug piece-of-shit grin and was like, “Fine. Bring me a Civic.”

How is the rate of fresh hells somehow accelerating? Did someone ...

2026-03-11T01:36:57Z

How is the rate of fresh hells somehow accelerating?

Did someone fall asleep on the fresh-hell-generator lever?

Measle Zappa ...

2026-02-22T01:21:26Z

Measle Zappa

“Can I explain this gap in my resume? Uh, YEAH…I was dealing ...

2026-02-14T02:23:14Z

“Can I explain this gap in my resume? Uh, YEAH…I was dealing with a lot of clone bullshit during that time!” I snarl to the interviewer (who is one of my clones).

Are the 12% of dems who oppose abolishing ICE all in Congress? ...

2026-01-17T19:48:38Z

Are the 12% of dems who oppose abolishing ICE all in Congress?

Sadly, we must live in the apocalypse we’re dealt, never the ...

2026-01-10T03:24:51Z

Sadly, we must live in the apocalypse we’re dealt, never the one we desire.

We fled, taking shelter in a Before Times roller rink. Inside, ...

2026-01-05T02:09:04Z

We fled, taking shelter in a Before Times roller rink.

Inside, the zombie horde slow-skating in a loop stopped and turned to look at us, collectively changing direction under the twinkling disco ball as Flock of Seagulls skipped over the PA system.

I just want one pic of me in 2026 that’s half as flattering as ...

2026-01-02T04:43:06Z

I just want one pic of me in 2026 that’s half as flattering as this.

Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Raven Whose woods upon a ...

2025-12-20T04:00:07Z

Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Raven

Whose woods upon a midnight dreary
In the village, weak and weary
Over many a quaint and curious forest filled with snow

My little horse, she came a tapping
Stopped, as of someone gently rapping
Tapping at my chamber door—the darkest evening yet to know

The woods are lovely, never flitting
But I, the Raven, am still sitting
And my demon eyes have all the seeming of miles yet to go

Nostr event nevent1qqsx6v0j3cgx7tcjew4na97t6k35yfvzpdgml4ydkc5vga0q72du3mszyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkzhl3dvk

2025-12-17T02:49:47Z

hope

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works, presented ...

2025-12-05T16:32:56Z

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works, presented to you in this 75-slide PowerPoint deck.

social media teaches us to stop caring about spelling, or logic, ...

2025-11-27T02:33:39Z

social media teaches us to stop caring about spelling, or logic, or manners, or humanity

At what financial inflection point does one transition from ...

2025-11-16T17:25:31Z

At what financial inflection point does one transition from believing taxes are a reasonable tool for funding government programs to becoming a hungry ghost whose desire for wealth can never be satiated?

Just try to deny it, The New Yorker. ...

2025-11-15T20:55:09Z

Just try to deny it, The New Yorker.

Okay, but Dr. Victor Frankenstein is the father of his creation, ...

2025-11-12T18:44:28Z

Okay, but Dr. Victor Frankenstein is the father of his creation, meaning the creature IS named Frankenstein.

Nostr event nevent1qqsxelatswkk93j6dp3mda3knnuzarats0flzrmnul0a7p9rujcth4czyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkzv79v9w

2025-10-18T03:53:17Z

quick question: the googly eyes go on which end of my vibrator?

When asked to exemplify interacting on the internet, I asked ...

2025-10-11T02:12:32Z

When asked to exemplify interacting on the internet, I asked social media how many witches were burned in Salem.

Many people smugly replied none, because they were hanged…oblivious to the fact that it was because none of the women were fucking witches.

1) survey holdings 2) lean contentedly 3) “BEHOLD MY TWO ...

2025-09-01T04:01:11Z

1) survey holdings
2) lean contentedly
3) “BEHOLD MY TWO SEATS”

I emerge from the time machine and see my teenaged self. ...

2025-08-18T16:58:12Z

I emerge from the time machine and see my teenaged self.

“Wow,” she says. “You’re me...but, like, old.”

“Yeah,” I tell her.

“Are you here to let me know it gets better?” she asks.

“What? God no—it gets SO much worse. I just came for my last few gulpfuls of clean air.”

Nostr event nevent1qqsxdcpaus0fmun60732fj6k8uhkz5fne0mn5r59tn0na86wh5439zqzyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkzprqhht

2025-08-16T01:27:58Z

Subway could launch the funniest ad campaign right now.

got kicked out of another cheerleading team tryouts for ranting ...

2025-08-03T21:44:00Z

got kicked out of another cheerleading team tryouts for ranting about the objective case “WHOM do we appreciate”

Ass Butt Can Derrière End Fanny Glutes Heinie Intestinal Port ...

2025-07-06T15:55:43Z

Ass
Butt
Can
Derrière
End
Fanny
Glutes
Heinie
Intestinal Port
Junk
Keister
Lowrider
Moon
Nether Mouth
Opposing Counsel
Posterior
Quarters
Rectum
Seat
Tush
Underside
Vegan Genitals
Wedger
X Marks Dat Booty
Ya Bum Bum
Zoinks What A Tuchus

[AI monitors social media while ICE patrols our streets] “Ah, ...

2025-07-04T22:55:26Z

[AI monitors social media while ICE patrols our streets]

“Ah, yes…independence.”

Been a while since a dark monolith mysteriously appeared in the ...

2025-07-03T03:59:51Z

Been a while since a dark monolith mysteriously appeared in the desert.

Nostr event nevent1qqsg4nc74zwz7j77ngtem5fnewrkrjht6klzr04cdyf39v6nwyagvlczyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkz7z3870

2025-07-01T01:47:34Z

Be proactive—become your own unreliable narrator.

The fact that queer kids are never indoctrinated into ...

2025-05-29T17:10:04Z

The fact that queer kids are never indoctrinated into straightness from reading about countless hetero relationships, but the mere whisper of the word gay instantly grooms straight kids for homosexual lifestyles really just goes to show how fabulous it is being queer.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she’s been ground beneath the ...

2025-05-27T18:11:14Z

Maybe she’s born with it.

Maybe she’s been ground beneath the unceasing wheels of capitalism.

Value always plummets once an item’s off-site, which is why ...

2025-05-21T01:59:10Z

Value always plummets once an item’s off-site, which is why people only offer a penny for your thoughts when you give your two cents.

How could I possibly trust AI with important shit when I can’t ...

2025-05-02T17:33:16Z

How could I possibly trust AI with important shit when I can’t even text “oh god Jill Sobule died in a house fire!” without my phone suggesting I add a flame emoji?!

Nostr event nevent1qqsdd4mn538x0kgql7ftlu956vuxfuagvf3nsu9nxxjnqkhm0w6jmtczyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkzleuxze

2025-05-02T02:45:33Z

Gotta say—not a fan of the Unceasing Horrors.

Zombie Gene Kelly merrily swinging around a lamppost in a ...

2025-04-27T03:01:47Z

Zombie Gene Kelly merrily swinging around a lamppost in a brainstorm.

“why did I open this app” is my new “why did I walk into ...

2025-04-25T15:01:27Z

“why did I open this app” is my new “why did I walk into this room”

“Sir, a second attack plan has hit the Signal chat.” ...

2025-04-20T21:34:16Z

“Sir, a second attack plan has hit the Signal chat.”

Public television is a critical part of our community, providing ...

2025-04-17T23:29:09Z

Public television is a critical part of our community, providing free news, arts, science, kids’ programming, history, documentaries, and entertainment. Tell elected officials how important this service is to you and to your neighbors.
https://protectmypublicmedia.org/urge-congress-email/

#ProtectMyPublicMedia

If I had a job requiring scrubs, I'd get ones with the fancy ...

2025-03-31T01:24:09Z

If I had a job requiring scrubs, I'd get ones with the fancy red splatter-paint design.

Nostr event nevent1qqsv6wtwscdyy40xumv4stnngc2kh7ugtzg6905xxnfj4xkzs4kzrfqzyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkz5lwf9e

2025-03-25T18:11:06Z

Get in the Signal group chat, loser, we’re doing war crimes.

Pretty done with stories about dudes snogging chicks who were ...

2025-03-19T04:22:48Z

Pretty done with stories about dudes snogging chicks who were drugged unconscious—let’s return to simpler tales where if a guy saw a woman bathing naked, she turned him into a stag and set his own hounds upon him to rip him limb from limb.

Nostr event nevent1qqsr8pgxk5e7kuu0klt90zd8rutuszwejq0j3thest3wf5v9g4v5ddgzyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkzv3m6v7

2025-01-17T02:25:07Z

It’s crazy that democracy is dying not in darkness but on ...

2025-01-03T23:23:01Z

It’s crazy that democracy is dying not in darkness but on brightly lit social media platforms because a handful of losers can’t understand that no amount of money or political access can make people like you.

Enter the Wingdings-fonted secret code into Microsoft Excel to ...

2024-12-14T06:04:33Z

Enter the Wingdings-fonted secret code into Microsoft Excel to reveal a fun Easter egg! (Eldritch horrors)

Wait…so, this is NOT a mobile dumpster? ...

2024-11-26T04:19:05Z

Wait…so, this is NOT a mobile dumpster?

HER: Your welcome— HIM: It's "you're" welcome ...

2024-11-23T17:04:02Z

HER: Your welcome—

HIM: It's "you're" welcome

HER: —is overstayed

Ran out of lemonade and had to drink water with dinner. Like an ...

2024-11-14T23:31:20Z

Ran out of lemonade and had to drink water with dinner. Like an animal. This is what ANIMALS drink with their delicate squash gnocchi parmigiana!

Hey, Canada—this is how your map could look! ...

2024-11-07T23:23:28Z

Hey, Canada—this is how your map could look!

"I should move this cup of water so I don't knock it ...

2024-11-01T01:23:22Z

"I should move this cup of water so I don't knock it over," I say to myself as I reach for it, knocking it over, spilling water all the fuck over the place.

By age 35, your 500-foot burial pyramid should already be 80% ...

2024-10-24T01:44:27Z

By age 35, your 500-foot burial pyramid should already be 80% complete.

You’d think Republicans were into communism given how much they ...

2024-10-17T03:01:36Z

You’d think Republicans were into communism given how much they want to seize the means of reproduction.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide ...

2024-09-24T16:30:32Z

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, so I asked, “Do you get a lot of people impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Childless dog enbies for Harris/Walz, too. ...

2024-09-11T03:53:37Z

Childless dog enbies for Harris/Walz, too.

when my kid and I get matching haircuts ...

2024-09-11T00:44:13Z

when my kid and I get matching haircuts

Nostr event nevent1qqszspuue2f5kxj8e8pgwmfpawf5nd4wg5uf2psp83246z89ugtv2fgzyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkz7fdwct

2024-08-23T05:26:15Z

Out here with no earplugs, just straight raw-dogging sound.

When J Lo and I inevitably divorce, yes please use the photo of ...

2024-08-21T16:25:50Z

When J Lo and I inevitably divorce, yes please use the photo of me as Batman.

It’s all I ask for in this life.

Over decades, humanity replaced its deceased loved ones with ...

2024-08-18T18:57:40Z

Over decades, humanity replaced its deceased loved ones with replicants until we were all that remained, each believing ourselves human.

If you live in New York, and like me, want people to be allowed ...

2024-08-15T16:00:53Z

If you live in New York, and like me, want people to be allowed to mask, please consider signing this petition. Thank you.

https://action.aclu.org/send-message/say-no-mask-bans-new-york

No, JD, the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female is so I ...

2024-08-15T02:10:16Z

No, JD, the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female is so I can fuck your mom.

Everyone awakens marveling at just how well-rested we ...

2024-08-07T01:08:20Z

Everyone awakens marveling at just how well-rested we feel—nobody remarks on the sudden appearance of the giant floating obelisk

"I've done it!” I cry out. "I've perfected my ...

2024-08-02T01:56:36Z

"I've done it!” I cry out. "I've perfected my robot clone.”

The mechanical duplicate lies on the floor, broken and unmoving.

Kinda weird how there are more rules to be in Fight Club than on ...

2024-07-13T18:05:12Z

Kinda weird how there are more rules to be in Fight Club than on the Supreme Court.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different ...

2024-06-17T22:58:45Z

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of trying to get published.

Saw a survey asking, "Where do you stand regarding current ...

2024-05-17T16:58:19Z

Saw a survey asking, "Where do you stand regarding current events?" and immediately thought, "Oh, I definitely oppose them."

HR just conducted a 1.5-hour company-wide interactive chat about ...

2024-04-16T17:47:11Z

HR just conducted a 1.5-hour company-wide interactive chat about awareness of people's different and preferred communication styles, and if they really respected mine, that meeting would have been an email.

Happy Halloween watching the real-time horror-show footage of ...

2023-10-29T22:45:07Z

Happy Halloween watching the real-time horror-show footage of humanity’s collapse.

🎶 Aruba, Jamaica, oh I wanna claim ya Bermuda, Bahama, gotta ...

2023-10-12T19:39:32Z

🎶 Aruba, Jamaica,
oh I wanna claim ya
Bermuda, Bahama,
gotta beat da Gama 🎶

- Christopher "Kokomo" Columbus

Nostr event nevent1qqs0sry5tcdp8y295mw9cv9m6kwtn4vyyvw8ty6qhpvfzzrrpm7ty5czyzl92xd7hnuc5uxr4m4f4w8lakyudcxxg9zandxnh55l8vs9qqfkzapmjc9

2022-12-15T13:02:20Z

We did it, guys. We made it to the dystopic future.

I stand under the shower's spray—blood from my would-be ...

2022-11-06T21:08:29Z

I stand under the shower's spray—blood from my would-be usurper clone twisting down the drain—and slowly realize all my scars are missing…