Mati | The Autistic Coach

https://neurodifferent.me/@theautisticcoach

I’m Mati (he/they) and I build neuro-affirming autistic communities by empowering my fellow #ActuallyAutistic humans with advocacy methods & self-care tools for navigating an NT world based on productivism.   My personal interests include #History #Autism #Whales #Jazz #Baseball #Korea #Oasis #Judaism #Dogs #THFC & I’m passionate about pizza, coffee, and Jewish deli.    Check out my various links and work in the About tab

My Website: https://theautisticcoach.com
FREE Autistic Discussion Circles: https://www.theautisticcoach.com/autism-discussion-affirmation-circles
Autism Workshops for Autistic Adults: https://www.theautisticcoach.com/autistic-group-coaching-finding-your-autistic-self
My Jewish Community Work: https://www.theautisticrabbi.com

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Published at

2026-10-25T10:30:39Z

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Last Notes

2026-09-28 07:23:13 UTC

“Can I do it?” is a terrible measure of disability.
Yes, I can do it.
Can I do it repeatedly?
Can I do it safely?
Can I do it without support?
Can I do anything afterwards?
Can I do it tomorrow too?
What does doing it COST?
These tell me a lot more about my capability.

2026-07-28 11:57:03 UTC

The question that changed my own life wasn't, "what are my autistic traits?"
That wasn't an issue for me - I had them pointed out since I was 2 years old.
Rather, I asked myself "what have I spent my entire life mistaking for personality flaws?"
That list was much longer than I expected.

2026-07-11 19:31:34 UTC

Nearly every friend I’ve ever made came thru a “special interest”.
Not small talk.
Not networking.
Not “putting myself out there.”
A shared “obsession”, and someone standing next to me inside it.
For autistic folx, special interests aren’t a pathological symptom to manage or destroy.
They’re often the closest and truest road to connection we have.
Society needs to stop pathologising the thing that brings us people and connection.

2026-07-10 13:15:00 UTC

They say autistic folx lack emotion.
They’re trying to measure our facial expressions, not our hearts.
Many of us feel others’ pain so hard we can’t speak thru it - and the silence got scored as coldness.
The deficit isn’t with us.
It’s with the grace not given.

2026-07-09 11:00:52 UTC

A meltdown isn’t tantrum.
One is caused by needs being violated or unmet.
The other is to manipulate for a desire.
Not the same.
You never need to apologise for being autistic and having meltdowns.

2026-06-27 18:26:13 UTC

You couldn’t do the dishes.
Again.
Maybe it’s sensory.
Maybe it’s exhaustion.
Maybe you’ve spent every available spoon getting through a world that doesn’t fit you, and you genuinely don’t have one left.
“Executive dysfunction” is just dysregulation with a moral judgment stapled to it.
Figure out the why before you beat yourself up.

2026-06-05 08:29:49 UTC

Imagine calling yourself “neuroaffirming” and charging an autistic person because they had a meltdown, a shutdown, a health flare, a family crisis, or simply woke up unable to do the thing they thought they would be able to do two days earlier.
Imagine calling yourself a “neuroaffirming” coach or therapist and charging people for cancellations less than 48 hours in advance, while reserving the right to cancel yourself.
Imagine calling yourself “neuroaffirming” and requiring people to buy packages of 6, 10, or 20 sessions before they’ve even had the chance to see whether you’re a good fit.
Imagine calling yourself “neuroaffirming” and spending more time learning sales funnels than disability support.
Just because someone is autistic doesn’t make them affirming.
I’ve been doing peer support work since 2006.
Long before it was my profession, it was something I was doing for free because I believed autistic people deserved support.
My work is pay-what-you-can.
Most people I work with pay nothing.
The people who can pay make it possible for someone else to attend for free or at a reduced rate.
My standard rate is already around half of what most coaches charge in the UK and US.
I don’t do “free discovery calls” designed to sell people into expensive packages.
I don’t make people commit to ten sessions before they’ve even met me.
And if someone cancels because they’re overwhelmed, burnt out, having a meltdown, caring for a family member, dealing with a crisis, or simply having a bad day?
I don’t punish them for being human.
I often have clients cancel after a session was supposed to begin.
Life happens.
We’re autistic.
We’re disabled.
Things happen.
My goal is not building a coaching business.
My goal is supporting autistic people.
I’ve been doing peer support work for nearly twenty years.
I’m an autistic person myself.
I’ve undertaken countless trainings over the last sixteen years.
I’ve completed thousands of hours of pastoral care training and supervised practice through rabbinical school.
I’m a registered disability educator in France.
I’m an approved Access to Work provider in the UK.
I have over 10,000 hours of client hours.
I’m a member of professional autism coaching organisations in both the United States and Ireland.
I train other peer support coaches.
I work alongside other coaches, therapists, psychiatrists, counsellors, social workers, and support organisations and refer people when something falls outside my scope.
Because that's what professionals do.
The rabbis of the Talmud distinguished between gamirna (I have learned this) and savirna (I understand this from my lived experience.
They said to be a teacher, one must strive to master both.
When it comes to autism, disability, and peer support, both matter.
Learning, understanding, and living the reality of what you’re teaching is a qualification.
The most important one.
"Neuroaffirming" isn't a credential.
It’s not a marketing label.
It’s how you treat disabled people when money, power, access, and vulnerability enter the room.

2026-05-28 19:33:39 UTC

autistic masking keeps us safe in the short term
and destroys us on the inside in the long term
@npub1pce…geep

2026-05-28 08:12:34 UTC

A lot of autistic burnout recovery advice is just “how do I become productive again as quickly as possible?”
This is hugely problematic and misses the point.
The question is “how I build a life that stops destroying me?”

2026-05-14 08:45:00 UTC

Some people call us “too sensitive.”
But if the lights harm us, they harm us.
Why moralise it?
If the noise overwhelms us. it overwhelms us.
If surprise plans dysregulate us, they dysregulate us.
Expressing needs isn’t a problem.
The problem is being expected to pretend what harms us doesn’t.

2026-04-25 16:54:53 UTC

Some autistic folx don’t feel safe in chaotic spaces.
Others don’t feel safe in overly structured ones.
Both are real.
Accessibility isn’t’ about “everything works for everyone”
It’s about accepting that it won’t.
Conflicting needs are real.

2026-04-10 11:34:09 UTC

A lot of autistics say they “just shut down”
What we mean is that our system hits capacity.
It doesn’t look like an external meltdown.
It looks like going quiet, staring at nothing - all with racing thoughts.
Trying to stay present while everything pulls away.
An internalised meltdown.

2026-03-31 07:49:49 UTC

They taught us to tone it down.
Don’t get too excited.
Don’t talk too much.
Don’t be “obsessed.”
But autistic joy is often about intensity.
Repetition.
Depth.
Focus.
The same things they tried to take from us are the exact things that make life feel worth living.
Take it back.

2026-03-11 09:13:50 UTC

stop calling disabled people having basic human rights and support "benefits" or "advantages"

2026-03-08 08:00:36 UTC

Autistic burnout and binge eating are often connected.
But not for the reasons people assume.
It’s not always about “self-control.”
It’s about a nervous system that has been pushed past capacity.
When you’re burned out you interoception gets less pronounced - your regulation goes out the window.
You forget to eat all day.
Then suddenly your body is starving.
Or you’re so dysregulated that food becomes the fastest way to ground your nervous system.
Sugar, salt, texture, fullness.
Instant regulation.
From the outside it looks like a binge.
From the inside it’s often a body trying to survive chronic overwhelm.
A lot of autistic people aren’t struggling with willpower.
We’re struggling with Autistic Burnout.
Yet it's not being seen by those who support us.
Shame ensues.
@npub1pce…geep

2026-03-06 14:51:12 UTC

Autistic eating disorders are often misunderstood.
People assume it’s about body image.
But for many of us, it’s about something else entirely.
Interoception - or lack of.
When you can’t reliably feel hunger, fullness, or internal states, eating becomes guesswork.
That guesswork becomes chaos.
@npub1pce…geep

2026-02-18 16:17:44 UTC

Professionalism isn't a neutral term.
It's a cultural aesthetic that is often arbitrary.
Eye contact.
Tone.
Speed.
Energy.
Dress.
When these become moralised, which they almost always are, disability becomes seen as misconduct, deviance, and defiance.

2026-01-14 13:43:50 UTC

Autistic unmasking isn’t “letting everything out.”
It’s the slow & challenging work of stopping self-erasure.
Unmasking means learning which environments cost us our health and which ones allow us to stay.
If unmasking looks messy, that’s because the mask was holding everything together.

2025-12-12 08:30:08 UTC

People love our attention to detail
until the detail is how they’re hurting us.

2025-12-06 20:03:48 UTC

There is nothing fragile about an autistic soul.
What’s fragile is the scaffolding we’ve built around ourselves so we can survive other people’s unreasonable expectations.
Our souls are sturdy.
It’s our armour that cracks under the pressure.
But at our core, we are as strong as they come.

2025-10-27 09:29:45 UTC

when you're autistic you think everyone is the same age as you.

2025-10-15 21:20:42 UTC

You’re not unmotivated.
You’re overwhelmed.
You’re not “too sensitive”.
You’re attuned.
You’re not dramatic.
You’re dysregulated.
Language has been used to wound us.
It’s time we take it back.
Being autistic doesn’t make you a bad person.
I can’t say this enough.

2025-10-14 17:35:42 UTC

Flying while autistic isn’t just about getting from one place to another.
It’s about surviving an environment built for compliance and performance.
Regulation is the real destination - not St Louis, Amsterdam, or wherever you’re going.
https://open.substack.com/pub/theautisticcoach/p/flying-while-autistic?r=1rgomz&utm_medium=ios

2025-10-13 14:35:36 UTC

What are my autistic comrades’ greatest joys?

2025-10-07 09:11:06 UTC

Autistic humans speak.
We say what we mean.
Clearly.
And still - people don’t hear us.
Not because we’re quiet.
But because they only listen for a tone that sounds like them.
So we get quieter.
Not out of shyness.
Out of exhaustion.
Out of apathy.

2025-09-18 13:09:06 UTC

Neoliberal neurodiveristy culture sells “unmasking” as a lifestyle brand.
Share your quirks online.
Perform your rawness.
But that’s just another mask - curated, marketed, consumed.
Real unmasking isn’t performance.
It's real connection.
It’s relief.
It’s dignity.

2025-09-03 07:40:35 UTC

I believe in the neurodiversity movement.
I believe in the tenets that the concept of neurodiversity promotes.
But let me tell you about a so-called “ND space” I attended recently, and why it left me shaking.
See, as a group facilitator I don’t get to be a participant often.
Believe it or not, coaches, counsellors, and therapists need spaces to be too.
I was excited that I found a potentially interesting and supportive place where I can stop working for an evening.
The group began with this statement by the facilitator:
“Autistic humans need to learn to take up less space in ND spaces”.
Said unironically. By a facilitator calling themselves “ADHD + HPI + HSP”
It was violent.
I immediately felt sick to my stomach.
The same facilitator also said that believing in neurodiversity means rejecting neurodivergence as a disability.
That we aren’t disabled.
That we are more than “simply broken disableds”
This is a gross misunderstanding.
It’s ableist nonsense.
It’s typical co-opting that I’ve seen plenty.
The reality?
This person was clearly AuDHD.
But avoided naming autism because of stigma.
Their distaste for autistics showed quickly.
Because of ableism.
Instead of honoring autistic presence, they erased us.
We are all too used to this, unfortunately.
The space quickly devolved into trauma dumping.
People piling on, fueling each other.
The facilitator did nothing.
That is not safety.
That is not community.
Neurodiversity does not mean autistic humans must shrink, hide, or mask to belong.
It does not mean denying that we are disabled.
This is autistiphobia.
Autistic voices told to take less space.
ND spaces co-opted by people who resent our presence and miss the fucking point.
A rhetoric almost never coming from autistic humans, but from those invested in our erasure.
Neurodiversity is expansive.
It includes all who aren’t neurotypical.
Probably most people.
Autistics, ADHD, Schizoprenia, Bipolar, Dyslexia, Downs, AND SO MANY MORE
But if autistic humans are pushed aside in “neurodiverse” spaces, then what you have is not neurodiversity.
It is ableism in a new costume.
@npub10v4…s27h #ActuallyAutistic

2025-07-27 07:27:34 UTC

You think I’m hard to be around?
Try being me.
Try being a bodymind that doesn’t regulate the way you want it to.
A mind that notices everything and can’t let go.
A heart that feels too much and is still told it’s not enough.
Try begging for support and being told you’re too articulate to need help.
Try masking your entire existence just to survive a work meeting.
Try collapsing from burnout and then blaming yourself for not recovering fast enough.
I’m not hard to be around.
I’m exhausted.
And still here.
Still trying.
Still showing up.
You call that a problem?
I call that a f***ing triumph.
@npub10v4…s27h #ActuallyAutistic

2025-06-17 21:30:02 UTC

Unmasking isn’t about “being real” or “doing whatever we want”
It’s about ending the performance we were never meant to sustain.
It’s a reclaiming - of our needs, our patterns, our right to take up space.
We weren’t born fragmented.
We were taught to split ourselves to survive.
@npub10v4…s27h

2025-05-09 08:19:13 UTC

It isn’t that all autistic “lack empathy” or whatever nonsense the popular psych folx are promoting these days.
It’s that the way we empathize doesn’t look like the false neuronormative and “acceptable” way of faking empathy that society does.
And some of us actually can’t at all too.

2025-04-08 07:53:59 UTC

You weren’t unmotivated.
It was autistic inertia.
You didn’t forget.
You dropped the ball under pressure.
You weren’t ignoring the task.
Your were in survival mode.
They called it procrastination.
You called it failure.
It’s never about willpower.
It’s always about capacity.
@npub10v4…s27h #ActuallyAutistic

2025-03-28 10:35:54 UTC

Autistic burnout isn’t a rough patch.
It’s a shutdown of the bodymind after years of masking, unmet needs, and constant demand.
It can last months or years.
It’s not personal failure - it’s survival catching up.
A hard reset.
Recovery isn’t linear.
And it’s not your fault.
@npub10v4…s27h

2025-02-18 18:13:53 UTC

Autistic Burnout isn’t just exhaustion - it’s chronic, systemic, and fundamentally different from career or parental burnout.
It happens after years of masking, unmet needs, and relentless sensory, emotional, and social demands.
It can last months, years, or even decades.
Burnout isn’t inevitable, but in a world that refuses to accommodate us, it often feels like it is.
The solution isn’t just ‘"rest" - it’s structural change.
Autistic humans don’t burn out because we are autistic. We burn out because we are forced to exist in environments that don’t support us.
We need to shift the conversation from ‘how do we recover from burnout?’ to "how do we stop forcing autistic humans into it in the first place?"
@npub10v4…s27h

2025-02-06 19:06:29 UTC

I’m so sorry that I’m disabled sir.
Let me try to be less disabled so I can best accommodate your preferences.

2024-12-14 17:49:17 UTC

It doesn't matter if your stim is pacing in circles, playing with a toy, tapping, or anything else - your body and the way you move it is YOURS and no one else's.
NO ONE has a right to tell you how to listen and use your body.
@npub10v4…s27h

2024-11-11 09:47:24 UTC

If you could dispel one myth about autism and autistic humans, what would it be?
@npub10v4…s27h

2024-08-24 18:22:50 UTC

Discovering your authentic self as an #actuallyautistic person is about embracing who you truly are, combating loneliness through meaningful connections -
self-discovery happens in community, not in isolation
Unmasking isn’t performative, it’s collaborative
@npub10v4…s27h