momotahmasbi on Nostr: Today, we went to a violin competition. Watching the musicians play, I felt the same ...

Today, we went to a violin competition. Watching the musicians play, I felt the same admiration and envy I have always felt toward people who can make music.

I wanted to be one of them once. I began my self-funded music education as an adult, around the age of 24. A few years later, I left Iran and music was one of the things I had to leave behind. Still, I kept telling myself that I would return to it someday, even if that meant starting again in my forties or later.

But something shifted today.

I realized that I can be content with enjoying someone else's musical ability. I will probably never play like the musicians I watched. They have spent much of their lives becoming this good. They have built themselves around their craft. Even becoming a decent amateur would demand more time and focus than I may ever want to give it.

For a long time, admitting that felt like giving up. Now it feels more like accepting who I am.

There are things I have pursued with the same depth, things I may understand or do at a level that is uniquely mine. My life has been shaped by ADHD, varied interests, and all the strange rabbit holes I have followed. I may not have devoted myself to one instrument, but I have built myself too, just in a different direction.

My musical education was short-lived, but it was not wasted. It opened a door to classical music that might otherwise have remained closed. It taught me how to listen more closely and gave me a deeper appreciation for what musicians are doing when they play.

So I am going to let musicians be musicians and I am going to be what I am.

I can accept that I may never become a musician. I can keep watching other people play, admiring them, and even envying them. That envy might even deepen my sense of amazement and admiration.