Hoss "Sneed (Formerly Chuck)” Delgado on Nostr: >be me >Kim Jong Un >Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea ...

>be me
>Kim Jong Un
>Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea
>wake up in Pyongyang
>sunlight gently filtering through curtains of enormous government residence
>personal chef asks whether I want Korean, Japanese, French, Italian, or "that Swiss breakfast you like"
>decisions_decisions.jpg
>eventually settle on imported cheese and steak
>turn on state television
>beautiful patriotic music
>everyone on TV says I'm doing an excellent job
>nice
>check newspaper
>front page says country is prosperous
>second page says country is prosperous
>third page contains photograph of me pointing at a tractor
>apparently tractor factory exceeded expectations
>excellent news
>head outside
>streets suspiciously clean
>everyone I encounter starts smiling and applauding
>random citizens visibly overcome with joy just from seeing me
>western media says North Koreans are miserable
>???
>literally haven't met a dissatisfied citizen in my entire life
>ask aide about this
>"Supreme Leader, the people adore you."
>knew it
>drive through Pyongyang in armored Mercedes
>traffic nonexistent
>never have to stop at red lights
>restaurants always have tables available
>never seen homelessness
>never seen unemployment
>never seen a protest
>never even seen graffiti
>western cities apparently have all of these things
>and they call US the dysfunctional country
>lmao
>arrive at missile facility
>scientists have been awake for 43 consecutive hours preparing demonstration
>they look slightly nervous
>probably excited
>rocket launches successfully
>everyone cheers
>scientist in front row crying
>patriotism is beautiful
>return home
>check internet
>internet works perfectly
>all 28 websites load instantly
>no ads
>no spam
>no political arguments
>no Reddit
>westerners voluntarily pay for gigabit fiber just to spend six hours arguing with strangers named xXFreedomPatriot1488Xx
>who exactly lives in the dystopia here
>foreign diplomat visits
>mentions food insecurity
>confused
>open refrigerator
>completely full
>open second refrigerator
>also full
>open climate-controlled cheese room
>extremely full
>"What food insecurity?"
>diplomat stares at floor
>probably embarrassed by how stupid his question was
>later watch BBC documentary
>British narrator says DPRK citizens lack basic freedoms
>look around room
>can go anywhere I want
>can say anything I want
>can own anything I want
>can even launch ballistic missile over the Sea of Japan if I'm feeling whimsical
>sounds pretty free to me
>apparently Americans aren't even allowed to do that
>land of the free my ass
>documentary continues
>says citizens are afraid of government surveillance
>turn to twelve security officers standing behind couch
>"You guys spying on me?"
>"ABSOLUTELY NOT, SUPREME LEADER"
>there you have it
>propaganda debunked in real time
>next morning receive intelligence briefing
>foreign analysts once again describe North Korea as "one of the most repressive societies on Earth"
>honestly starting to think these people have never actually been here
>I've lived in North Korea my entire life
>never been hungry
>never been arrested
>never been sent to a labor camp
>never had electricity shut off
>never had trouble finding housing
>healthcare staff immediately available whenever I need them
>everyone I meet compliments my haircut
>statistically speaking this place seems fantastic
>begin suspecting international community is simply jealous
>tell propaganda department to release statement:
>"SUPREME LEADER REPORTS PERSONAL SATISFACTION RATE OF 100%"
>another stunning victory for Juche