That actually mostly worked.
The sheets backup file uploaded to their official demo without too much fuss, and while some of my formulae broke, they did so in the same way that Excel breaks when opening the backups, which means it's a problem I should be able predict and work around when working in it and building from scratch.
Now I just have to find a hosted NextCloud instance with Collabora (because I have already tried self-hosting a NextCloud instance and I openly acknowledge it's beyond me, even with the most dumbed-down tutorials I can find).
Any recommendations where I might find something like that?