Cum Vampire on Nostr: Cis friends telling me they are so glad I’m finally happy is the most painful ...

Cis friends telling me they are so glad I’m finally happy is the most painful fucking thing in the world.

I cry every single day when I’m alone in the house. It’s like I can feel nothing but loneliness and despair. And, yeah, this is better than before.

Because before, I was just acting in the way I was supposed to. I knew what happy was supposed to look like and played that part. But I didn’t even feel despair. I felt nothing. I was empty. I existed on the edge of suicide not from pain but from emptiness.

So now, yeah, it’s better. At least now I can feel something, even if it’s only despair. Even that is better than feeling empty.

But the picture of me being happy is a projection of the Trans story cis people need to make themselves feel better. I’m “happy” now in much the same way as I was “happy” before—in the way they need to see me as happy.