cathos on Nostr: I've been trying to make sense of why it feels so bad this year. Last year was the ...

I've been trying to make sense of why it feels so bad this year. Last year was the first christmas after coming out to my parents. I spent it with them. It could have gone a lot worse. There weren't any fights or disagreements. I went to church with them. But it was still so bad. Gifts addressed to a name I haven't used in years. Men's clothes that didn't fit, even if I would still wear them. The pastor at church taking me aside and telling me I was still welcome there, with that look on his face. His eyes avoiding my skirt, my eyes, my mask, my chest.

Christmas is so important to my parents. They are very involved in the church. And I've always had a hard time with it. Even when I went to church, when I was so certain of my beliefs. It was an overwhelming season. I struggled with the decorations, the noise, the smells. The songs that got stuck in my head. The horribly trite or darkly comedic (tragic) movies.

There is so much of it I want to love. I love snow. Candles. Gathering for food, around the fire, in winter. Warm drinks, and sometimes even gifts. But I can't go there right now. And maybe I can't go there again. The memories and the reality are so full of darkness and pain. People expecting gifts, and going into such debt to satisfy those expectations. I get christmas as a religious holiday, and as a secular one. But for now, I cannot engage with it as a personal holiday. Maybe I can find some joy in this season, but it's hard. Memories of gifts and lots of good food and family time. But so many painful memories.